Don't change the rules, play a new game

I've never cried during the keynote speech of a real estate conference. Ever. I've also never sung aloud with a speaker, certainly not to Peter, Paul and Mary. I did both of those things a few months ago in Scottsdale. Bernice Ross has produced an extraordinary, invite-only, woman-only, summer conference for the past 11 years. Conference is a misnomer... it feels more like summer camp for female real estate "over achievers." Let's call it a Learning Retreat. And it's divine. 

While impossible to describe (it's held, after all, at the Wa-Ke-Po Native American Resort and Casino in Scottsdale- in July - let that sink in for a moment...) in the spirit of the Sisterhood of Awesome Females, here are some tidbits I gathered. Disclaimer: most of this is shamelessly plagiarized with no credit given to the original speaker. Mahalo, ladies for sharing your wisdom. 

We don't need to muscle up, we need to create our own rules

My work history includes jumping in and out of "corporate america" for decades. I started in heels and business suits in tech in the early 90's, when we were expected to copy a man's sales/business style/systems. Expectations and norms have continued evolving. Successful female leadership in today's world looks supportive, authentic, upbeat, strong, and collaborative. This retreat was a great example of that type of leadership. Everyone spoke authentically. Everyone contributed. When everyone has an opportunity to speak and be heard by everyone, powerful results happen. Deep connections are forged. New rules are created. 

1. Rule #1: Language of intentional contentment. You have to believe the best outcome will happen. 

Optimism is essential. You have to learn to laugh at yourself, and with others. Seeing the positive in every situation is critical. After all, what's the other option? Quantum physics tells us that by the very act of watching, the observer affects the observed reality. If there's a chance that thinking positively actually helps - even a small amount - for things to be better, to go your way, why wouldn't you spend all your time thinking optimistically? Use language that intentionally lifts, calms and carries you forward. Instead of worrying about "what ifs," focus your energy on and speak only about the most positive outcomes. 

1. Rule #2: "It's the relationships we have with each other that create change." 

On being a woman-only event: There is something empowering and safe about being together with no men in the room at all - no men doing the sound system and computers, or delivering the water, nada. While it may be uncomfortable to admit, the truth is men change the experience that women have with each other, merely by being present (Quantum physics, again...). Every woman on the planet knows this, has experienced it, has participated however unwillingly in this dynamic. Thus, to create real change for ourselves, we need authentic focused time with each other, uninterrupted by something we know will change the dynamic, the energy, the "sisterhood."

1. Rule #3: Owning who you are: Take that one button that makes you feel diminished about being a woman and turn it on it's head. 

Here's mine: As a child, I hated "dressing like a girl" because it meant I couldn't climb trees, walk in the creek or play in the dirt and mud; it meant I had to sit still and be quiet. Don't get me wrong, I love fashion and designer clothes, handbags and shoes, I paint my toes and love the color pink. I also don't enjoy dressing up unnecessarily, wearing skirts and dresses makes me feel vulnerable, and I think spanx are just mean. It's astonishing how many (especially other women) have felt justified in telling me - or complaining to someone else - that I "should dress nicer" or insinuating that I would be more successful (popular! loved! pretty!) if I would just wear... 

Aloha, I live in Hawaii. I specifically chose to move here and one of the things I love the most is the relaxed lifestyle - including more informal clothing choices. I live and dress by the mantra, "I didn't move to Hawaii to wear/wash/maintain that." I've also realized a gift in purposefully being the most underdressed person at any gathering. Who among us hasn't shown up misinformed about the true casualness of an event? The shame of not being dressed "correctly" or "up enough" - it's real, and can be painful and isolating. No one need feel bad about what they're wearing when I'm around! That's how I own it. 

Find that button, find the gift, turn it on it's head. Own it. 

Playing a new game can be scary. It can feel like a huge risk. Play to your strengths, work around your weaknesses. Don't muscle up, relationship with your sisters. Be fully you.

And if you hate spanx, you don't need anyone's permission to throw them out!