Don't call yourself a Perfectionist

Would you describe yourself as a Perfectionist?

For many years I described myself as a Recovering Perfectionist, which implied I was a Perfectionist, and I was on a journey to try not to be one.?

Nowadays I don't describe myself as a Perfectionist - recovering or otherwise.?It's too limiting and not, I find, particularly helpful. Here's why.

The definition of a Perfectionist

Let’s look at how perfectionism is generally defined.?Here is a fairly standard dictionary definition:

"a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less." (1)

A more detailed description of perfectionism appears in the book?Overcoming Perfectionism.?

"Perfectionism is the setting of, and striving to meet, very demanding standards that are self-imposed and relentlessly pursued despite this causing problems. It involves basing one’s self-worth almost exclusively on how well these high standards are pursued and achieved." (2)

Tal Ben-Shahar in his book?The Pursuit of Perfect?illustrates how striving for perfection will never make us happy.

"The Greek myth of Sisyphus tells of a man, the most cunning of mortals, who was punished for his pride and disobedience. Sisyphus was condemned by the gods to push a heavy rock up a mountainside and then watch it roll down again, repeating this process for all eternity.

Psychologically speaking, the Perfectionist is like Sisyphus. But whereas the punishment of Sisyphus was inflicted by the gods, the Perfectionist's punishment is self-inflicted. No success or conquest, no peak or destination, is ever enough to satisfy the Perfectionist. When he reaches the summit of one mountain or another, when he achieves some form of success, there is no delight, no savoring - only another meaningless journey toward a destination that inevitably disappoints." (3)

Do you resonate with this description??

When I first read these descriptions I did recognise traits in myself: how my standards were high, and how I felt unworthy when I didn't achieve them; my inability to properly acknowledge and savour my successes; the empty feelings of disappointment that I was never going to get where I wanted to be - because there's always another goal, another mountain to climb.?

"That's it!",?I told myself 13 years ago, "I'm definitely a Perfectionist. It's not healthy, so I need to fight against it."?

And I did - but that's a story for another day, because it's a long, winding one. What I want to share with you today is that I now don't see things like this at all.?

There are two reasons why I feel these definitions of perfectionism are unhelpful for those of us who either self-identify as Perfectionists or are told that we are one.?

It's complicated

Firstly, we are a complex human being with a multi-layered, nuanced personality and behaviour who cannot be either?always?a Perfectionist, or?always?not?a Perfectionist.?

In some situations we are more perfectionistic than others, and with some people. Also, when we are under pressure our perfectionism is triggered more often.

For example, I have?a pretty laid-back attitude towards housework. I definitely don't - and never have - based my self-worth on how tidy, beautiful and organised my house is. Yes, I wish it were much more organised and beautiful, but it's OK. It's not a show home, but I don't die of shame when someone comes by unexpectedly. OK, sometimes I do - which again proves my point, that your perfectionist responses are not fixed. They are a complex, fluid, behavioural strategy that shifts and changes as much as our energy, mood and mindset can shift and change.?

I bet you are more perfectionist is some areas than others. You might have friends with whom you can be totally yourself, warts and all.?But at work you may be very composed and vigilant to any sign of imperfection. Or your family might induce your perfectionism more, or less, depending on the culture in your family when you were growing up.?

We don't choose perfectionism

Which brings me to my second reason I don't like these definitions.?Most descriptions of perfectionism explicitly say that perfectionism is self-inflicted or self-imposed, when really it's a cultural survival strategy.?

This, quite frankly, makes me angry.?Just like women have been told for years that they have developed an unhelpful mindset -??'imposter syndrome' - all by themselves rather than it being a reaction to, or even a survival strategy for, growing up in a cultural system that often treats women as inferior beings.?

Perfectionism is only self-inflicted in the sense that we learned as a child that to be loved and safe we needed to be as perfect as possible. Our culture - our political, education, media and business systems - blames and shames anyone who steps out of line.?

It's only in the last few years that any kind of diversity is beginning to be tolerated. No wonder we tried to fit in and make ourselves into versions of the person we were told to be. It's not our fault. It is a human survival strategy. We DID NOT choose consciously.?

And telling us that it's our fault and we can 'just stop it' is insulting.?And don't get me started on 'just be happy with good enough'.?Please! ?That does not work. [I'll get into that in another article soon...]

How I talk about perfectionism

Now I describe perfectionism in a more nuanced way.?I don't describe myself as wholly and totally a Perfectionist. Instead I say that I have a strong Inner Perfectionist that I manage on a daily basis with awareness and compassion.?

I say that a part of me believes that being perfect and acting perfectly will keep me safe. I know that it's only a part of me - not the whole of me - so I don't have to do what it says if I don't agree with it.?I know that I also have an Inner Rebel who doesn't want to follow the Perfection Myth rules, and an Inner Laid-Back Lucy, who trusts that all will be OK without me trying to be in control, and an Inner Slob who just can't be bothered, and an Inner Feminist that doesn't believe being a size 10 and perfectly coiffured is the only way to be a woman....and lots of other inner selves with different opinions on how to live my life.?

I say that my Inner Perfectionist showed up sometime in my early childhood to protect me - it's a survival strategy that at one point served me well. Now I'm a mother, it's not a great strategy at all.?

We can overcome perfectionism by acknowledging and accepting our inner diversity. We are not one homogeneous whole. We are not "A Perfectionist", we just have some rather strong perfectionist tendencies in some situations.??

Learning how to dial down our Inner Perfectionist's control of our life by acknowledging it, understanding it, soothing it, and accepting it, allows us to choose other behaviour, even if it feels uncomfortable to start with.?

As with most things, reality is nuanced; the truth has many levels. So maybe it's time to dig deeper into your identity and see it more than a black and white, all or nothing, fixed identity, but a fluid, complex, ever-changing energy which, the more we get to know and understand, the more we feel in control.?

I'd love to know what you think. How would you describe your perfectionist tendencies??Can you relate to having an Inner Perfectionist? Does that make perfectionism feel easier to deal with?

Until next time,?

Love and compassion,?

Thea

xx

(1)?www.dictionary.com

(2)?Shafran, Egan & Wade,?Overcoming Perfectionism: A self-help guide using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques,?Robinson, 2010, p9.

(3)?Tal Ben-Shahar,?The Pursuit of Perfect, McGraw Hill, 2009