Don't call me a hypocrite (I already know I am one)

Few things boil our blood faster than when we witness hypocrisy in others. But what about the cognitive dissonance or denial that happens when we raise the mirror to our own lives?

Here are some common ways that hypocrisy creeps into our lives. These examples may not all resonate with you, but chances are you'll have thoughts to think and things to say when you skim through these scenarios:?

• We preach kindness and patience with our clients, only to rudely snap at our roommate or spouse for accidentally walking in on our Zoom call.
• We follow a religion that espouses love and forgiveness, but we routinely hate on our neighbors.
• We tell others to stop being so sensitive, meanwhile there are plenty of little things that set us off.
• We complain about age discrimination when we’re older, but then absent-mindedly make comments that group all young people into a monolith demographic.
• We show respect to our mother or grandmother, but then may find ourselves disrespecting women out in the world (work, school).
• We advocate for the love and care of our pets, but we consume meat from animals raised and slaughtered inhumanely.
• We champion freedom and autonomy and self-agency, but we try to tell other people (or nations) how to lead their lives.
• We avoid wearing animal-based garments, but we purchase cheap and fast fashion produced in inhumane conditions like sweat shops, never mind how terrible it all is for the environment.
• We're vocal about advising others to practice self-care and not overdo it on social media, but we ourselves doom-scroll mindlessly on such platforms.
• We advocate for humanity and inclusion, but we travel to luxury destinations and spend all our time at the all-inclusive resort bubble because going off the beaten path and spending time with locals is not comfortable. ?
• We advocate for equality and fair living wages, but we scoff when a hand-baked cookie at the local grocer costs a few pennies more because it was crafted by artisanal human hands.
• And a million more examples that each of us can probably provide…

Comparing our relative levels of hypocrisy serves no one, of course, and often comes with a slew of hidden agendas. Though the key to a joyful and peaceful life isn’t to try to be 'holier than thou' or to be less hypocritical than our neighbor, but rather to find and surround ourselves with people who:

(1) accept us despite our hypocrisies and paradoxes, and

(2) who help us become a better version of ourselves... not by making us feel bad about our vices, but by showing us how we can integrate more virtues into our lives--without sacrificing what matters most.

Because, at the end of the day, most of us want the same thing, perhaps in slightly different ratios, for the recipe of our happiness: most of us want love, we want freedom or autonomy, we want safety, and we want fun.

There is probably not a single quote or LinkedIn post or movie or spiritual practice that will rid us of all of our hypocrisy. Rather, it’s in the daily vigilance, the daily practice and daily reminders that we can find some hope and some answers--if not for a cure, then for effective management of the disease that is hypocrisy.

Without regular reflection, whether self-induced or forced by others, it becomes all too easy to fall into the trap of hypocrisy and ignore our blind spots (e.g., I was recently shocked to learn about the potential environmental costs of using AI—which, like crypto/blockchain technology, is apparently very water- and energy-intensive).

The world is far too complex and interconnected in too many ways for a single person to be aware of them all. So when a person out there in the world--be it a friend or an enemy, a teacher or a student, an elder or a junior--brings to our awareness something about our lives that is perhaps hypocritical, it often serves us best not to retaliate, but to acknowledge and sit with that observation.

This is not easy to do. Not by a long shot.

Some people avoid self-reflection like the plague. Other people are navel-gazers, diving into their thoughts as overthinkers, overanalyzing things to a fault, often leading to paralysis analysis (I sometimes fall on this side of the continuum in my personal life--not so when I work with clients, with whom I am focused, direct, decisive, and action-oriented).

Others choose to face and work through their hypocrisies and their inner gremlins (or demons, for some), through any number of different modalities, be they self-help, therapy, exercise, meditation, medication, hallucination, etc.

I stand (or in this case sit) before you, every bit as much a hypocrite as the next person, but where I hope to differ (or perhaps we’re all the same here... you’d have to tell me) is in my inability to forget or to ignore my hypocrisy for long stretches of time.

Awareness of hypocrisy alone is not a remedy.

But... it’s a start, right?

A few things that are often helpful, though only you can decide what is best for you:

Interest in diverse hobbies and topics. Exposure to different people, places and things is good for the soul. It can soften the heart while keeping the mind sharp.

Engagement with diverse communities--not just comfortable echo-chambers where the same voice gets amplified and differing voices are drowned out.

Help via friendships, therapy, coaching, apprenticeship or mentorship. Connecting with others in meaningful ways, and seeing other ways of seeing, and living, life.

Creative outlets. Art, however you define it (be it a formal practice or carefree dancing in the rain), releases us temporarily from the grips of our ego (which is the place where hypocrisy tends to live and fester).

Exercise. Movement. Action. Time in nature. All of these have numerous benefits for our well-being, and ultimately affect how we show up for, and interact with, others.

Rest. Relaxation. Reading. Writing. Unwinding. There's plenty we already know about the power of rest. I won't bore you with what you already know to be true.

Instead of comparing levels of hypocrisy, I work hard to focus on growth. Some days I succeed. Other days, less so.

I'm no exception to the struggle. But I refuse to ignore it. Through coaching, I have been able to see the person in the mirror, without any masks, and focus my energy on fostering positive change within my personal and professional self-- one thought, one behavior, and one interaction at a time.

I used to call attention to other people for rambling and not keeping their message concise... Yet, look at me here, writing a longer-than-necessary essay... talk about hypocrisy.