Domestic Violence: who is to blame?

In the last couple of weeks, two Nigerian women have died in the hands of their husbands. One was burnt alive together with her brother, and the other, a popular gospel singer, Osinachi, was consistently beaten to her death. So who is to blame in these situations? The victims themselves, their families, their friends, the society, the church, or the?lack of government policies on Domestic Violence (DV)?

?Although a lot of factors condition some women to remain in toxic relationships, notwithstanding, should the first blame go to the victims themselves for ‘choosing’ to stay and endure abuse until they are murdered? Has society ever killed anyone for getting a divorce? Are there not famous pastors, gospel musicians, and influential people who have divorced their spouses? Did society do anything to them? Having said that, we must also acknowledge that people are different and react differently based on their strengths or weaknesses.

These two women were educated and earning their own money; they were even the breadwinners in their families. Osinachi fit into society’s narrative of a so-called ‘virtuous and submissive’ woman. She was ‘marriage material – 100 yards’. Yet, these ‘qualities’ were not enough to save her from her abusive and controlling husband.?

?Does this not go to evidence that most successful and affluent married women do suffer in silence? The excuse given by the group of married women who do not have a ‘paying job/earn their own money,’ and are totally dependent on their husbands financially - is that they have nowhere to go if they decide to leave; so they stay and endure the abuse.?

?So what then underpin the decision of the other group of financially independent women who have their own money to leave, but still, decide to stay in abusive relationships, and would rather keep up appearances until they die, than rather leave??

?Is it because they care so much about what people will say? Is it to maintain public image/status as a happily married woman? Is it to continue being given front row seats at events and VIP treatments as the wife of an affluent man? This goes to imply that ‘it takes more than money for a woman to leave an abusive relationship. What is missing here is their self-worth, the confidence level, and the mental strength to be true to themselves, and be able to choose their peace of mind above the charade.?

There is no doubt that most abuses of women and girls are normalised and perpetrated behind the veil of toxic culture and religion. But doesn't every church has its own set of rules and dogma? So what prevents women from leaving and finding a more progressive and liberal place to worship if their current church is judgemental and unfavourable? The phrase: ‘what would people say,’ has sent so many individuals into their early graves. The fact is, if you know how quickly the dead are forgotten, you would not live your life to please people.?

Every marriage has what works for them. Nonetheless, try as much as possible to earn and control your own money as a married woman. Because he who feeds you controls you. Flee at the first sign of abuse; do not wait until the first slap, because that slap could be fatal. If they hit you once without any consequences, it is bound to continue, and would only get worse from there.

Ideally, no one wants a ‘broken home’. But what is more broken than an abusive marriage, and children growing up in a toxic home? Does it not scar and damage them for life? Are the children not likely going to grow up to continue the cycle? Hurt people - hurt people. How can you protect your children if you cannot protect yourself?

Marriage is a beautiful thing if you are married to the right person. Two are always better than one. The person you choose to marry, however, affects everything in your life: your mental health, your self-worth, your progress, and especially, your children. So by all means marry. But if you must marry, marry well: choose wisely.

#DomesticViolence