Parental Alienation ~ When Life’s Course Helps You Let Go

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

There are some stories in this industry that I don’t like sharing because reading them makes normal people sick...(even told with a silver lining) However, hearing this story could save you in ways beyond words.

It’s a story of lost legacy, and thank God on the surface only. If you are in a domestic violence divorce, you might want to know that these things do, indeed, happen.

A Mother’s Passing Can Be the Foundation for Finding Oneself

Melinda’s mother passed nearly eighteen months ago and she is caught in a legal battle with her convicted felon brother who is eagerly pursuing her in this way to conceal his financial exploitation of their mother in the last two years of her life. Now the sick part about this sad state of affairs is the grandchildren trampled her life (like pigs) beginning about 80 days after her mother was announced dead. And they did this apparently with some of them knowing their uncle's/father's plan to smoke screen a crime that Melinda was unaware of—with a civil proceeding against her—after they secured their distribution.

Every week from that moment on, she was confronted by phone with one of them either manipulating her into releasing their inheritance ASAP so one of them can buy a house (which they are shopping for before the estate is settled and which requires the inheritance distribution for the purchase).

One of them is pleading/insisting on getting his inheritance so he can make a IRA payment by 4/15. This being demanded all while Melinda can’t even get her own taxes done on time. She has to get an extension simply to deal with the load of their relentless demands, bullying and aggressive hostile battering from this son. They were continuously campaigning for that money before it should have been released…one kid after another, week after week after week for FOUR solid months. Why four months? The criminal brother remained in hiding (from Melinda).

The majority of them spend over a month accusing her of preparing to withhold/steal the very inheritance she had protected for them for nearly six years. These kids continue to manipulate, gaslight, bully and badger her until she releases the funds.

The confrontations over these people getting their money was so over the top that Melinda had to block her nephew’s numbers just to get through the work day. At one point, she recalls saying to her second son, “Would it be okay with you if I go to the bathroom.”

What amazed Melinda in all this back and forth with her estranged children was that during their chase for this money, they were going out of their way to withhold any humanly appropriate gestures that come with anyone losing a parent or burying a loved one.

All they wanted was that money, with no care whatsoever over how their actions impacted their mother. It only occurs to Melinda now that this behavior is normal and acceptable from their perspective, because Melinda is not really their mother from their experience over the last twenty years. They were denied that right, as was Melinda. And further, this is how they have been trained to regard mothers, and the mothers of mothers, at least theirs. You grab the money and leave the corpse, and forego dignity in closing the estate. That’s acceptable to them.

Insights on What We All Bring to a Situation: Ourselves/Our History

Melinda reached a point in their relentless back and forth in which all she wanted was to get that money out of her hands so she could breathe even though both she and her second son knew it was not advisable for her to do so without the criminal brother’s agreement, which could not be obtained because he was “in hiding” for nearly eight months following their mother’s death.

The pressure from those grandkids combined came with the exact same feeling she had with their father, in which she would give into him just to turn him off because his requesting/demanding would cascade into a relentless, painful chase that only ended with her submission. I trust you are following this important insight for Melinda...as it might be an insight for you, too. Her response to their behavior and what it stirred up within her was all her doing.

The Reality of Domestic Violence by Proxy

If you haven't reached for that cup of coffee, this would be the time to PAUSE.

After Melinda distributes the inheritance to each of her estranged children one at a time, she sits down to write to her nephew who started the whole affair of helping his father hide “behind” him and of inspiring her children to believe that she is preparing to steal from them.

She is weeks out from her extension expiring and knows she must first do her taxes for both her business and herself personally. Yet, the "grand-pigs" are demanding that her time all be spent on this continued inheritance distribution chase, with no regard for her or her life or the life of her business.

One son whom she had not communicated with in over eight years shows up like the Whitehorse. And she discovers a snake. He writes in a text that if she doesn’t get the nephew his inheritance by X date (which was impossible for her), he would BLOCK her.

Not once did he say, Mom is there a reason you can’t make this your number one priority continuing now over seven months. It was both disgusting and clarifying all at once. That child didn’t even have standing to receive that money as he elected to disengage from Melinda eight years prior. Yet, he pushed around his sense of entitlement and highjacked much of the process enhancing the conflict between Melinda and her criminal brother.

Their interaction culminated in one more email/text in which he declares, never contact me again. This is what she gets, after giving him $25,000, because she chooses doing her taxes over being bullied by her estranged son. In addition, he wants her to know, should this go to court he would be standing on the criminal brother’s side. It was sickening to Melinda.

Then the second son texts her saying if you bring forward the statements from the bank with the missing 30K, I’ll BLOCK YOU. The criminal brother has effectively enlisted Melinda’s kids in hiding his crime (of exploiting the grandmother to the tune of 30K and leading her to believe it was Melinda who was stealing her social security income which he obviously took himself). Melinda was so utterly stunned by this on top of what she was getting from the other kid, she wanted no more to do with any of them.

She tried to go back to work in order to at least take care of her required administrative duties, and essential training for her business. This was not acceptable to them. The oldest son tells her that the only way she and her criminal brother can come to terms is through counsel.

Next thing she knows she is met with a civil legal action by her criminal brother, alleging that 30K went missing while under her control. And the chase is on. For the next SEVEN months every single week Melinda has faced some intrusion/demand from this bogus legal action. ...And after satisfying accounting and all other wishes, she can’t get it to stop, because the criminal brother is using this civil proceeding to mask his criminal behavior.

You see this man lives on his social security and a very modest salary. Yet, he has aggressive counsel for EIGHT months. One might ask who is paying his legal fees: grandchildren or Melinda’s ex. Who is officially helping him conceal this crime of financial exploitation at Melinda’s continued expense, emotionally and financially?

To add insult to injury, the oldest son carries on with Melinda for over a month while she helps him transition into a new apartment without mentioning that a legal action is even underway...everyone received the pleading except Melinda. He didn’t think it was important to notify her. This is one of the men badgering her ad nauseam to release the funds and who told her that counsel was needed to resolve the dispute between her and the criminal brother.

Silver Lining

Here is the silver lining. Melinda now knows these are NOT the people she would have managing her money in her nineties, nor taking care of her affairs after she passes. There is no respect and there is no trust. It’s very clear that these people will simply not serve that role in her life, nor will she be the other side of that for them.

What she thought would be a bridge, became an exit ramp. Suddenly, she no longer is chasing something that no longer exists. And from here, it’s new and authentic direction for Melinda. That’s the silver lining.

~ POSTSCRIPT: It’s all good. Here’s why. Holding the vision of reuniting with her kids is what kept her going for 20 years. She now realizes that letting go is what will allow her to keep going, and more, for the next 20 plus years.

For clear insights on legal domestic abuse, visit https://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/legal_domestic_abuse and claim Free Instant Access to The 7 Realities of Verbal Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.

? Dr Jeanne King - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention