Domestic Violence Awareness

Domestic Violence Awareness Month is in October. However, domestic violence doesn't just happen in October. It happens everyday. It happens to women as well as men, children as well as adults.

Domestic violence affects not just individuals’ productivity but also the community’s, because we are all connected, whether we like it or not. Domestic violence is a selfish attempt to bully an individual, or sometimes a whole family into submission, but not seeing that it has great impact on the self, creating a cycle of violence that imprisons the perpetrator and the victim(s). The victims continued fear and dysfunction leads to further frustration and violence of the perpetrator, leading to both sides living in misery.

Domestic violence is selfish because of one person’s insecurity to have delusional power over another, without respecting the feelings, security and humanity of others. Perpetrators of domestic violence can be anyone from any background or socioeconomic status. They can even be of high standing in social circles. People can only see esteem but not someone’s life at home when he or she terrorizes the family for personal gain. If you are living with regular abuse, do get help – notice the patterns and cycles of violence, and get out:

Checklist of patterns indicating you could be in a cycle of domestic violence:

1. You are made to feel guilty and shameful in your relationship

2. You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells in your relationship.

3. You have not freedom to be who you are and you constantly have to improve yourself or you’ll get into trouble.

4. You are isolated from family and friends, or even your own past where you are made to deny past events or facts.

5. You are constantly threatened

6. You are constantly reminded that you are wrong and the perpetrator is right, and that you are stupid or not good enough.

7. You are ordered around because you are made to feel incapable of taking care of yourself or make your own decisions

8. You are checked on frequently and made to refer to or pay attention to your partner all the time and never to yourself or any of your own interest.

9. You are frequently criticized, belittled, rejected and scolded to the point you get too tired or you give up in trying to explain yourself, so you just toe the line or comply.

10. You are constantly reminded that it is useless to escape or resist.

11. You are made to respond to trivial demands that may seem impossible and if you are not able to meet them you would be severely reprimanded and further threatened

12. You are given extra pampering when you breakdown or able to meet demands sometimes.

13. You are made to believe that the violence and anger was your fault and responsibility

14. You give in because:

• You are afraid of his anger
• You are afraid of rejection
• You are afraid of violence
• You are afraid of breaking your vow.
• You are afraid. Period.
• You feel if only you try harder, things will be all right

15. You have the following symptoms:

• Surprise and confusion
• Questioning your own memory
• Anxiety and fear with hypervigilance , feeling like walking on eggshells
• Shame and guilt
• Becoming overly compliant and passive
• Avoidance of eye contact.
• Feeling powerless and defeated, trapped and alone
• Feeling low self-esteem and self-worth
• Feeling manipulated, used and controlled
• Feeling undesirable
• Thoughts: Maybe he’ll be better if I love him more, buy him more things, do as he asks, be more efficient, be quicker in movements, be more mindful of his needs, work harder, change my habits, - the list is endless, but I felt that I could get him back, if only..
• Increased underachievement
• Having flashbacks of the physical and verbal violence that increase your vigilance and anxiety
• Feel paranoid and unsafe that you’re constantly being monitored or watched
• Cognitive impairments of memory and concentration e.g. Difficulties making decisions on your own
• Depression and frequent crying
• Suicidal ideation

Abuse should never be accepted or tolerated. Value your life and sanity. Have compassion towards yourself, with the wisdom to know that self-preservation is needed for survival, and is above concepts of being in a relationship. You deserve much better respect and security. If things get volatile and you no longer feel safe, get out. No one should ever be made to feel guilty and shameful in any relationship. Many people who leave abusive relationships lead much better and successful lives.

To the perpetrator / abuser

If you are a perpetrator, stop now! You are creating a lot of harm to others, as well as yourself. You do not have their respect but only fear. Any kinds of respect you get are manifestations of fear that is highly deluded. You only disempower and create dependency on you. It does not do any good because you will only be frustrated of that same dependency that you create, but you blame it on your victims. Stop now and find more skillful ways to live with others. Learn to address your own insecurities without having to threaten others. You could be destroying a lot of good potentials in others, who can actually benefit whole communities, including yourself. What for? Just so that you can feel good about yourself for a short while? Please get real and get reconnected with your tortured self. You don’t have to keep torturing yourself. Just be free and let you vulnerability speak. Being vulnerable is never a weakness. It is an opportunity to learn, to grow and to make peace with yourself. It’s never about everyone else’s shortcomings.