Domestic Abuse and Domestic Violence awareness initiatives in the work place

TRIGGER WARNING - descriptions of domestic abuse

I often speak quite publicly and openly about my experiences of Domestic Abuse and Domestic Violence. Both as an investigator and as a survivor. I've received backlash for how open I am about it personally, particularly on this forum from the person I survived because he 'doesn't want his children to read it'. Even now as i write this I have to wonder what the fall out of it will be if and when someone who knows him sends it on as seems to keep happening. That is exactly why I continue to speak out and educate in the best way I can, because that tells me he knows exactly what he is and what he does to women and, even now, makes every attempt to hide it for his own gain.

I survived longer than I should have and when I did get out it took me a long time to peek out from under the stigma I had attributed to myself.

I was a soldier. A service police woman. I was professionally accomplished, no debt, great friends. I was happy and outgoing and I had goals. There was no way I was ever going to be a victim of Domestic Violence right?

I was a boxer. I boxed and represented my regiment, I sparred with men. I was strong, wasn't I?

I left the Army to raise my daughter when he was diagnosed with CPTSD. I supported my family and ended my deployable career, because it was the right thing to do wasn't it? Not because I wanted to do it, but because my family needed me to. How could I live with myself if something happened while I was deployed and I wasn't here to stop it? It would be my fault then. Right?

I moved away from everyone I knew and loved to support his need to be near his family after he was discharged, because his mental health mattered and he needed the support from his family. My battle with post partum had to come second because I was a a wife and mother first now and I didn't matter as much as they did. I am strong, I was a soldier, I can handle this right?

I took a job in public sector and ended up being based permanently with his family on my doorstep because it was what he said was best for my family. What he said we needed. It wasn't long before comments about me not needing to get a job because I was going to have more children started to flow. Not wanting to have children and wanting a career was a selfish decision for me to make - I owed him a boy and I should be at home raising our daughter because that was my job now right?

Every decision I made to stay in my marriage was my own choice, wasn't it? I knew what I was getting myself into didn't I? I knew who he was when I damned myself by saying 'I do' didn't I?

It took a decade. It took a decade to whittle me away to a shell of what I once was and to convince me that I never had and would never be as important or as necessary as he was. It took constant calls and accusations, allegations of cheating and lying and sneaking about. It took checking my phone every day, going to places he'd tracked me to to see if I was meeting men, calling back my friends to make sure they were women and firing questions at me to try and catch me out and when he couldn't picking a fight over something else.

It took threats over the phone about 'wait til you get home'. It took reminding me that every other woman would have been better for him than I was. It took talking over me and belittling me or scolding me in public. It took keeping me from my family but not directly saying I couldn't go so his reaction if I chose to go was it was my own doing. It took slapping me about when I was driving and blaming me for being a nervous wreck that had a crash. It took convincing me I was stupid and didn't know what was best for me. It took convincing me that he was what I deserved. The best I could get. All I was ever going to get.

It took calling me at functions or nights out to find out how many and which men I was with. It took commenting on my weight, emptying my accounts, running up debt in my name, threatening me with violence if I didn't transfer money and then blaming me when he lost the money he'd taken because I shouldn't have given it to him. When I stood up to those he would threaten to kill himself and move to OD. I tried to run a few times and went back when he did that because the comment was 'you'd let your daughters father die?' and the guilt trip that would follow would be around how I pushed him to it because I left and should know he couldn't live without me - how I shouldn't have put him in that position because I wouldn't want his death on my conscience.

When those stopped working it took violence. Over the course of my marriage I sustained several broken bones. Predominantly in my face - I had valued how attractive I felt I was when I was younger and he took it from me so easily. Shattering my jaw, knocking out my teeth, fracturing my eye socket and cheek, my ribs. Knocking me out. busting my lip.

When I found out he'd cheated too I filed for divorce and I had to borrow the money to do it because when I say he didnt leave me a pot to piss in I mean it. I had about ￡50 in the bank after bills. Then he went after my job, because he hadnt done enough - he had to try and destroy the one thing that was only mine. He had to destroy my safe space and take that from me. I was suspended and under investigation for months because of his bullshit allegations against my professional integrity. I'd managed to hide what was going on so well while I worked within the public sector - no one knew the extent of what I was faced with when I left the office every day and they got so used to me not going for a drink or dinner when they went out as a team they'd stopped asking me long before it all came to a head. I was happy and outgoing and my own self at the office. How could they know? Work was my safe space. It was where I didn't have to think about the war zone I had to navigate every night at home or how anything I was going to say would be picked apart and twisted into something it wasn't.

In the end I was left in thousands of pounds of debt because of his gambling and my having to cover it - i'm still paying it off now because I chose not to fight it and risk having to split my pension, he took the car and left me walking 12 miles a day to get my daughter to school because I couldn't afford bus fare. He threatened to take my daughter from school because I wouldn't be able to get there fast enough to prevent it and I had no way of getting across the city to get her back. I was completely at rock bottom with no way out. Not that I could see. I was trapped and still there for him to terrorise at will with no escape. I couldn't get legal aid because I was working. I couldn't get benefits for the same reason. I felt like I was on my own. The National Centre for Domestic Violence and Women's Aid helped me get injunctions and a non-molestation order, but it didn't stop him. My daughter had to watch me bolt the door and I had to fix deadbolts to give us time for the police to arrive if he did show up in the middle of the night intent of doing something because we lived in a maisonette and had only one way out of the building. The only option I had was to find a job and get more money, which as an investigator is a pretty bit ask - we do it because we love the job and are driven by doing the right thing, not because it pays well.

BAE Systems I suppose came to my rescue in that regard, and my daughters. I took a job I was sure I'd talked myself out of at interview, packed what I could fit into a small Corsa I'd managed to get finance for and left. I don't think the business even knew what it wanted from me and they took a chance.

That was in 2022.

Since then, I have been able to re-establish myself personally and professionally and get out of survival mode. I've been lucky that the new friends I've made bear no judgement and understanding for my memory issues and anxiety in fairness or the fact that sometimes I just cant.

I've been granted one opportunity after the other to develop, heal and grow. I've taken a job that had no parameters or objectives and been enabled and supported in building it into a new business venture for Naval Ships, setting an accountability and integrity standard for investigative work in the private sector and I am immensely proud of it. I've been mentored and coached to develop my executive and managerial ability by some fantastically kind and capable professionals who saw something in me I couldn't see for myself. In two short years I have achieved more than I ever would have married and in that situation, my daughter is thriving and setting her boundaries in an almost impenetrable way and I dont care about the debt. I got help and it will be gone in 5 years. Now I use my platform to highlight for all those still in that situation, that while it is a real dirty slog on the way out - that grass is greener and hope is there for you if and when you reach out.

Recently Sharon Brown, our fantastic Ethics manager and Jennifer Blee MBA, MCIPS, BSc (hons) one of our inspiring female directors allowed me the humbling opportunity to present as the Inspirational Women's forums. I spoke about my career in the service and gave voice to the DV aspect and I was overwhelmed by all of the survivors and children of survivors who were brave enough to come forward and reach out to me independently, who felt they had a safe space within which to talk about their own experiences.

I absolutely support the MOD's 'No Defence for Abuse' initiative that was launched in January 2024 and see positive strides towards the same standards of care for staff at BAE Systems. I will always advocate for and seek to offer support and safe spaces to any employee wishing to reach out. In future I would like to see more businesses allow better, robust and dependable support for staff concerned about, in, getting out of or recovering from Domestic Violence situations.

We acknowledge that Domestic Abuse takes place at all levels of society regardless of gender, social class, race, religion, sexuality or disability. With that in mind it stands to reason that in an organisation the size of BAE Systems, it is highly probable that we have employees who are affected by domestic violence or know someone who is. That same comparison can be made for well known banking firms, law firms, government agencies and anywhere that has more than 10 employees if if the statistics set out below are considered accurate.

Work was always my safe space while I was going through it all, but when I came in with a broken jaw all that happened was that it got noted on my HR file, I was sent home - back to the place the abuse was happening ad the one place I didn't want to be left on my own and I was asked if I wanted to be referred to the Employee Service Centre. Unfortunately, that just wasn't something I was able to do at the time. I couldn't risk him finding out I was talking to people about what happened at home and so I kept quiet and to myself and it was a few more years before I was in a position to leave. Tis level of care for an issue many still consider to be taboo to discuss openly is not sufficient and now I'd be investigating a failure of duty of care I think if I became aware of that professionally.

I think now with all of the endeavours being boldly undertaken for equality and diversity, initiatives to support and offer help to those dealing with Domestic Violence absolutely should be common place for all businesses. Not something that is merely an afterthought.

Some food for thought:

1. The Office for National Statistics has published information supporting that there are 2.4 million victims of domestic abuse each year (1.7 million women and 699,000 men).
2. It also established that 2 women and 1 man each week are killed in England and Wales by a current or former partner.
3. In a study done by CIPD and EHRC it was found that only 24% of employees were aware of their employer having a policy or support in place on domestic abuse.
4. Vodaphone conducted a study in 2020 that established only 5% of organisations have a specific guideline or policy relating to Domestic Abuse.
5. That same Vodaphone study showed that 86% of companies believe they have a duty of care towards domestic abuse victims.