Domestic Abuse and Social Distancing; The Impact

During this time of Social Distancing due to the Corona Virus Pandemic, I would like to point out a key fact about domestic violence. The greatest power an abuser utilizes is isolation of their victims. This affords the abuser an element of secrecy. The isolation tactic used by an abuser feeds their sense of power and control. As a society, we do not see what goes on behind closed doors of our neighbors and coworkers. Tragically, it is quite often too late when the ugly truths of an abuser are finally revealed for all to see. Quite often upon exposure, a victim will cover up her/his living conditions. This is due, in great part, to a victim harboring shame which is not theirs to bear. This very act is one which stumps a society uneducated on topic. A victim will protect her/his abuser by hiding truths too shameful to bear.

As a survivor of a near 18 year domestically abusive marriage to a USNA graduate, I stray from the term ‘domestic violence’ because there is more to ‘it’ than just violence. Therefore, I have chosen to settle upon the terminology of "Domestic Abuse" due to my belief that referring to it as such encompasses all 5 elements of its definition, those being physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, and economic. I am an unstoppable survivor of all 5 elements of domestic abuse. My nickname, RU TITANIUM ?, is registered under the chosen topic of ‘domestic abuse’. The government did their best to have me refer to RU TITANIUM ? under topic and/or category of ‘domestic violence’, however, those who know me know I do not back down. After all, in my life I have learned a thing or 2 about believing in something and never taking focus off my goal. Therefore, after a length of time, I was finally granted my chosen category of ‘domestic abuse’ for the applied registration of RU TITANIUM ?.

As I watch and/or read the national news regarding this pandemic, I am mindful to take it all in small doses as to not become overwhelmed and depressed. The news is bleak and heavy as we wait out this pandemic holding on to hope through our necessary virtual existence. Being a national speaker on topic of having survived domestic abuse and how I came back from being a victim, the journey of survival I chose transcends various topics which we are faced with both collectively and individually. Some are day to day, some perhaps not so frequent.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence puts out statistics with regard to information gathered on victims of domestic abuse. 1 in 4 women are abused and there are 1 in 7 IPV (intimate partner violence) cases. The statistics have been stated for years. It is my personal belief the statistics are under reported. This is not due to negligent gathering of information. This is due to victims not reporting that they are being abused because truth be told, they may not even know themselves they are being abused. Or perhaps they are ashamed and/or afraid to let anybody into their private lives believing the abuse is their fault not the abuser’s. A victim will carry the very shame which holds her/him hostage. Point being my particular case. I was married to an abuser for nearly 18 years. Also, I grew up in a domestically abusive household for 18 years. My normal growing up was not reflective of the existence of my peers. My marriage was not either. Domestic abuse is an escalation of existence. Domestic abuse does not happen all at once. Think about this for a moment, how many cases of domestic abuse are not reported? How can we possibly measure this? There is one answer to both questions, as a society we simply cannot. We can only become aware of the topic and be brave enough to advocate for zero tolerance towards domestic abuse. I can attest to the simple fact that when I was married to my abuser people quite often referred to us as a beautiful looking family. “Barbie and Ken with their pretty children.” But behind closed doors, it simply wasn’t so. My marriage was an imitation of my childhood, only I was a grown up in my marriage. An abused grown up.

As we exist in Social Distancing, as well as virtual communications, be aware there is a heightened sense of stress for all of society. Our present-day way of existing coupled with the fact that elevated incidents of domestic abuse, reported and unreported, will have a devastating aftermath within our society once we get back to normal in our lives. The resources for victims of domestic abuse will be in greater demand as employees and volunteers for the cause answer to their duties of serving victims. Keep in mind these victims are also children.

If you are a business owner, a university, an organization, a coworker, a neighbor, or even a classmate, please, just know that more than likely you are in the company of an abused person. There is something each of us can do. When you ask somebody how they are doing, pause for a moment after asking. Just…pause. Wait for the answer. Perhaps even care about the answer. As a leader and/or business owner simply comprehend you have the power to make a societal change by not fearing the topic. Rather, address it amongst your employee base. Educate yourselves properly on topic.

NCADV (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence) and NNEDV (National Network to End Domestic Violence). EAPA (Employee Assistance Professionals Association) is available for all places of employment, even university staff.

There are many entities in existence which tend to the topic of domestic abuse. The 2 National organizations tending to domestic abuse victims I have named are sister organizations. NCADV keeps track of statistics pertaining to domestic abuse, among many other duties they take on for victims. NNEDV is in charge of each state coalition and helps with the language of bills brought forth to each state’s legislative sessions. I have studied this process for nearly 12 years and I proudly state that I am a product of Safe Haven of Greater Waterbury which falls under the umbrella of NNEDV. Safe Haven helped me save my life. My children have their mom back. Now, society has RU TITANIUM ? as I go around this beautiful country of ours sharing my perspective of how to survive…no matter the topic. We all have our challenges, our stories, and our nemesis’. During a time of crisis everything negative can be amplified.

“One is not less than another. Nor is one greater than the other.”

~~~~RU TITANIUM ?

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