Domestic Abuse During Lockdown and Beyond

I was engaged in four domestic violence cases the other day in my capacity as a volunteer to help survivors find support.

Be it a techie in a big firm or a house help, all four women are facing similar problems - emotional and physical abuse by their partners and his family.

The statistics of domestic violence across the world are more worrisome than that of terrorism and yet it is not declared or dealt with similar urgency or resources in most countries. In places like India where people's identities and lives are strongly tied with community and families status, the misogyny and violence goes on for years for a person without any tangible check.

The statistics are only getting grimmer with every passing day of lockdown in India, and across the world. It took more than a week after the lockdown for the government of India and other states to give a proper announcement for the available support for the survivors and by no means it is sufficient to match the scale of the problem. Where would you find enough shelters to keep millions of women? Where would you find enough counselors to speak to the disgruntled family members? Where are the ways to find support to those who don't have access to phones and Internet?

I am not going to share the statistics here, that's plenty out there. But I am going to put a face and an act to those data points. Just to invite you a step closer into the realities of millions of women around you - starting from your first and second degree social circle.

Here are five things that each and every case I am involved in have in common:

1. All survivors are women, abusers are their partners and more than 3 people around them knew about the ongoing abuse. Three women were the sole breadwinners or earned more than their partners. So essentially, the partners didn't have economic dominance and complete isolation (two very common setups for abuse to thrive) and yet managed to go to a great extent of hurting their partners.

2. "Ladki ne itna bhi thodi na kuch kiya tha ki usko mar hi do" - this comes from the survivors, their friends and family members. I asked each one of them 'what acts from the girl can justify her getting beaten up or ridiculed?' No answers but maybe a quite realisation that the act of violence is extremely unethical in itself or a realisation a part of us has just accepted certain level of domestic violence as a norm/something ok. 

3. "Didi, darwaza khula tha aur kisi ne kuch bhi nahi bola but jab police aayi toh sabne mujhe bahut sunaya bola main tamasha kar rahi hu" - one of the most common and depressing reality that in most cases of DV, there are witnesses and who just don't act because 'ghar ka mamla'! as Ekta Viiveck Verma, a practitioner in fighting against abuse, clearly puts it when it is conflict, it is ghar ka mamla but if it is abuse, it is sarkar, society and sabka mamla. 

4. "Mujhe laga tha ki kabhi na kabhi toh change ho jayega par yeh toh aur hi bigadta chala gaya." - the cycle of abuse relies on manipulation, where the abuser apologises and tries to justify/gaslight the survivor. The more you delay drawing firm boundaries for yourself the extent of the abuse keeps increasing. 

5. "kar le jo karna hai, dikhata hu teri aukat main tujhe" - a strong sense of impunity enjoyed by the partners because people around say above four things before pointing the mistakes of the man! It takes less effort to question the women who undergo consistent abuse than the one who abuses consistently. 

Hope you are listening, reflecting and worrying.

PS: If you are going through abuse - emotional/physical/sexual or know of someone going through it, please please reach out. I am happy to help you connect to right support or you can find them yourself through these helplines: https://www.ncw.nic.in/helplines

If you hear domestic abuse around you in your family or neighbourhood and do not know how to intervene or offer support, please reach out to Shakti Shalini (listed above) or other NGOs for counsel. Happy to help there as well - feel free to connect.