Doing This One Thing Well Can Help You and Your Team Thrive

I have spent quite a bit of time over the last 13 years working with executives and leadership teams of all sizes in various industries. I always value simplicity, clarity and practical approaches when I think about solutions and different approaches to my client’s challenges.? This morning I reflected on the conversations I have been having this year with clients who may be wrestling with poor collaboration, lack of alignment, trust, candor and overall effectiveness. It is obvious to me that teams struggling in these areas have not consistently invested in building strong relationships.

Relationships? Randy, you must be kidding. That is just too simple! Think about the team you are on right now. Who do you have the highest levels of trust and collaboration with on the team? Who can you speak with candidly and usually feel psychologically safe? ?Who always has permission to give you tough feedback? Who can you rely on to help when you are in a tough spot? If you reflect on these questions, it is likely you will point to your strongest personal relationships on the team. You have spent meaningful time getting to know each other on a personal and professional level. You are vulnerable and authentic with each other. The relationship may have been battle tested a few times through various work trials which demonstrates you can rely on each other.

When I work with leaders experiencing the challenges I shared in the first paragraph, I often hear of personal issues with specific colleagues: “If Bill would get his team to do their job, I could get my work done.” ?“Susan is too political, and I don’t trust her.” “Juan says one thing in our meetings, then does the opposite after the meeting.” “It is obvious Christen has disengaged and doesn't care. What’s her problem?” “Steve’s communication is terrible. I don’t know what that guy is trying to say.” When I hear these sorts of statements from a leader, I will often ask three questions that usually get to the heart of the issue: When was the last time you met with them and addressed your frustration? What is the state of your personal relationship with that person? Will you commit to improving this relationship in the coming weeks?

Strong relationships at work are foundational to the kind of success you likely wish for yourself and your team. As you read and reflect on this idea of investing in relationships to effectively address all the areas I have mentioned, my years of experience as a senior leader and executive coach has taught me all of us can improve in this area and nobody is perfect. Here are a six helpful tips to get started:

1. Conduct a Relationship Audit. Make a list of all significant stakeholders at work. Peers, direct reports, your boss, internal clients, etc. Grade the state of the relationship on a scale of 1-10 and be brutally honest in the scoring. Reflect on these questions as you conduct the audit: Have I possibly made assumptions about this colleague or poorly informed judgments affecting how I may view them? Do we have trust? Are we vulnerable with each other? Do we know about each other’s personal lives (with appropriate discretion)? Can I rely on them and can they rely on me in a pinch? How would my work and the team’s work improve if I had a better relationship with this person?
2. Make the Investment. Any scores below eight in your relationship audit require an intentional investment of time from you. This isn't a one-time meeting, but a long-term commitment to build a healthier relationship with this colleague. Key Point: Be transparent about what you are doing. Let them know you have a desire to build a better relationship with them and give them specific reasons. One effective approach is to admit you may have been operating from a place of assumption with this person and decided to be direct and open about it with the hope of improving how you work together.
3. Be Curious, Listen and Share. If you are initiating the meeting with the colleague, be curious. Ask good questions with a genuine desire to learn about them. One great question you can use that will break the ice: “We work together, but I just don’t know much about you. Would you mind sharing what your life is like outside of work?” This is an open question and they can respond any way they wish, but you will usually glean some insight from their answer. Listen carefully to what you are hearing and then share something you may have in common or go ahead and tell them what your life is like outside of work. This helps you begin a personal dialogue which is fundamentally critical to building strong relationships. Key Point: Asking questions is especially helpful for introverts and high-functioning introverts who may be nervous about building relationships at work. Read my previous post on curiosity here.
4. Let the Outcome Motivate You. Relationships take time and hard work and we are all busy. Maybe we have grown comfortable in dysfunctional environments where relationships are just not encouraged enough. If you find yourself struggling to find the motivation for this essential investment for whatever reason, focus on the positive outcomes you hopefully seek. If you desire: better collaboration, more candor, more trust, improved performance, closer alignment, people you can truly depend on and simply more fun and enjoyment at work, improving relationships can be a significant catalyst for achieving those outcomes. We all need a community or “tribe” and work is a great place to build one.
5. Start with the Team Approach. I have picked up two helpful approaches over the years to help teams foster better engagement and create opportunities for building better personal relationships: 1) Author and leadership consultant Keith Ferrazzi has long advocated for doing “Roses and Thorns” at the beginning of staff meetings each week. The leader asks everyone to share one “rose” or something positive in your life as well as one “thorn” or something that is not going well in a lightning round at the beginning of a meeting. The leader starts the sharing and there is no obligation to share anything uncomfortable. Team members will learn a little about their colleagues that creates opportunities for private follow up that can strengthen relationships. 2) For many years, I have been leading a session for leaders on building effective relationships. The last breakout exercise of the session, which is very popular, places 4-6 people in a breakout for 15 minutes where each team member shares where they are from, their hobbies and one thing about them that people in the room did not likely know. They share what they found in a debrief after the breakout and are encouraged to follow up with each other in the following weeks to continue what they always find to be a fun and valuable conversation.
6. Be the Role Model. If you believe stronger relationships are important and want to improve this for yourself and the team you lead, be the role model. Set the tone. Be more intentional about building relationships with your directs, peers, boss and stakeholders. Hold your team accountable for doing the same. Make it a frequent topic of your team meetings and share best practices. You lead and others will follow. Key Point: Do not overly rely on big company programs to drive better relationship building. They can help, but often more low key and authentic approaches work better, especially for your shyer and more introverted colleagues.

Many of my clients are global and do much of their daily work virtually, but everything I have shared and advised still applies. Yes, meeting over coffee or a meal in-person is optimal, but you can build strong work relationships virtually almost as well. Do not let virtual work dynamics become an excuse for a lack of strong business relationships.

I hope this post will encourage you to carefully reflect on the state of your relationships at work and make some adjustments if needed. In my own career and in the daily work of my most effective individual clients and teams, strong relationships are fundamental and a primary driver for success. I hope you will look back at the end of this year with pride and a strong sense of achievement for all the work and time you have placed into building your own foundation of strong relationships. The results will absolutely justify the effort.

Good luck!

*My newest book, Becoming a More Thoughtful Leader, is available from Amazon! This book can be an excellent companion and guide for you to make the most of the coming year. If you would like to learn more about the book, read over 60 humbling 5-star reviews and purchase a copy, click here.

Randy Hain is the president of Serviam Partners, the award-winning author of 11 books (with the 12th book coming out in late March 2025), an executive coach, leadership consultant and thought leader on candor, clarity, time management and business relationships. He is also the co-founder of The Leadership Foundry.