Doing Hard Things

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Alice once asked the White Rabbit if he would love her, and he replied, "Not unless you love yourself first." This simple exchange from?Alice in Wonderland?holds a profound truth: yours and my capability to withstand life’s difficulties is deeply tied to how much we trust, respect, and love ourselves. True resilience doesn’t come from external validation but from an internal wellspring of self-belief and emotional capacity.

I’d often thought of resilience as a mental muscle, something developed through grit, endurance, and sheer force of will. The reality is softer. I recognise it now, as result of nurture and attentiveness. Being more gentle with myself. ?Beneath the surface, resilience is fuelled by emotional capacity: the aptitude to sit with discomfort, regulate our internal world, and navigate hardship without crumbling under its weight. It is this emotional depth and agency that underpins true mental strength and resilience.

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The foundation of emotional capacity

?Emotional capacity is a metaphorical ‘space’ (that we all have) for processing how we feel. You and I each hold the ability to feel an enormously diverse spectrum of felt resonance (emotion in the body) and whether it’s blissful or stressful, we have the capacity to handle it, without becoming overwhelmed. It’s not about avoiding difficulty but about widening our ability to hold and move through it.

That bedrock is the foundation of resilience. Some assume that resilience is something you either have or you don’t. But emotional capacity, like any skill, can be cultivated. It grows through practice and experience, intentional self-reflection, and, most importantly, the practice of trusting oneself.

I’ve learned, as many of us do, the hard way! But when I learned to consistently trust myself, my foundation of internal stability grew. I become less dependent on the approval of others and more attuned to my own instincts. This depth gave me an anchor in life’s storms. It allowed me to navigate adversity with clarity and confidence instead of reaction and fear.

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Faith in myself and getting stronger

So, how did I give myself the tools?

1. Accept the reality of hard things? - life isn’t about avoiding difficulty but learning to stand in it without collapsing. Challenges are inevitable, I got better at reframing them as opportunities to expand ?my coping capacity rather than a conspiracy threat to my wellbeing!
2. Cultivate Self-Compassion? - the way you and I speak to ourselves in difficult moments, matters. Instead of criticising yourself for struggling, acknowledge that hardship meets us all. I leaned in hard to speaking with myself the way I would to a dear friend. ?
3. Develop emotional agility?- strength isn’t about suppressing emotions; it’s about moving through them with awareness. Emotional agility means recognising feelings without letting them dictate a reaction. I got good at observing my own emotions without judgment and choosing a response with conscious intent.
4. Set and hold boundaries - boundaries are an act of self-respect. They reinforce our worth and prevent emotional depletion. When you and I learn to say no to what drains us and yes to what nourishes us, we cultivate a sense of agency over our own wellbeing. On a personal note, this has been and is, the toughest, particularly as you grow and close family and/or friends aren’t used to you valuing yourself.
5. Get comfortable with self-validation - do you often seek reassurance from others when facing uncertainty? That was me. I still ask friends or mentors what they think but it doesn’t supersede my own instinct. Greater resilience is born from alignment within. Make it a practice to check in with yourself first before getting opinions from anyone else.

The liberation of you trusting you

When you and I strengthen our emotional capacity and develop trust and connection within ourselves, we become unshakable. Life will still bring storms, but instead of being at their mercy, we have the capacity and the resilience to navigate them with steadiness and resolve.

This ‘journey’ hasn’t been about growing ?a thicker skin or becoming impervious to vulnerability. Rather, knowing that no matter what happens, I’ll show up for myself. Move forward. Rise. ?And in that knowing, you too will discover a freedom greater than any external force could ever provide.

Doing hard things is not about proving our worth, it’s about realising we were always enough to begin with.

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