Does Your Spouse Want To Be Fixed Or Understood?

I was recently reminded of a funny video, "It's Not About The Nail."

It’s a 2-minute parody of the different ways men and women communicate.

In general, women want to be heard and understood, while men want to fix things and solve a problem.?

When a wife shares a concern, men want to immediately fix the issue and it triggers an argument because she doesn’t feel understood. (yes, sometimes the roles are reversed)?

Sound familiar??

(Click to watch)

Does Your Spouse Want Empathy or a Solution??

This video is about a woman who is complaining about the achy, painful feeling she has.?

Her husband sees that there is a nail stuck in her wife’s forehead and tells her to just take it out and it will fix the issue.?

His wife gets upset at him for always trying to solve her problem. He lacks empathy.?

Yes, it’s a bit of an extreme example but the principle is true. (Click to watch the funny conclusion)

We don’t always need to fix the “nail in the head” of our spouse. ?

Sometimes, they just need us to listen and show some empathy. ?

We Often Give Our Spouse The Wrong Thing?

When Kay Lee shares her frustration about something I did or say, I immediately go into defense mode and try to clarify her misunderstanding of my intention.?

I try to show her that she took it the wrong way. She was wrong.?

As I’m trying to lend some clarity to her misunderstanding, she just hears, “You don’t know what you’re talking about and being emotional for no reason.”?

As I’m sure you realize, that does not go over well and an argument ensues.?

But the argument isn’t about the proverbial nail, it’s about the fact that Kay Lee and I want different resolutions to this conversation. ?

Empathy Does Not Admit Guilt?

For us men, we feel if we empathize with her feelings, we’re admitting guilt. ?

So we must defend ourselves and show our wife the error of her ways. ?

But empathy does not admit guilt. ?

It is a simple acknowledgement that we understand their pain and if the shoe was on the other foot, we may feel the same thing. ?

I remember the first time, I showed empathy instead of trying to fix her frustration, I said something to the effect of, “I see why you are upset at me. Those words can be hurtful and I am sorry for that.” ?

Empathy Shows We’re Listening and Care?

She immediately paused and said thank you for listening, kissed me, and left the room.?

That was it. So simple and no endless cycle of back-and-forth argument. ??

It almost felt too easy.?

The next time, you find yourselves going round and round arguing about the “nail in the head,” ask your spouse, “What do you need from me?”?

This is an opportunity to gain clarity if they need you to fix something and provide a solution or provide empathy instead. ?

This is our shortcut to giving each other what they need without having to go through the cycle of insanity trying to give our spouse something they don’t want.?

Try it, you'll like it.

Here's to your success,

Robert Fukui

P.S. If you want to pick our brains, feel free to book a complimentary discovery call We’d be happy to help you win in marriage and business.

Biography: Robert and his wife Kay Lee run a consulting business that assists entrepreneur couples to create better balance in life and business. If you need a roadmap for greater work-life balance, buy their newly released book, Tandem: The married entrepreneurs' guide for greater work-life balance.