Does your Mother Know?

“Widows are divided into two classes, the bereaved and the relieved” Victor Robinson

Not one, not two but three conversations this week about mothers. All concerned daughters or daughters in law talking about their older or elderly Mums and their financial issues, their marriage long dependency on their husbands/fathers.

When I was (very briefly) working as a financial adviser, the clients were older mostly married couples. One older gentleman had worked as a CAB volunteer so was very clued up when it came to his finances and to that of his family. He wanted to engage his wife in the discussions as he was making informed and kind financial decisions for her financial wellbeing, but the wife has absolutely no interest at all and would make herself scarce almost as soon as I arrived, the door hitting my bottom as I entered.

This provided the gentleman with a huge dilemma. What would happen if he died before his wife? Who would make sure she was not vulnerable to poor advice or scams or well -meaning relatives? He wanted to provide for her and make sure she was well cared for financially and otherwise. Not all are like him.

Further to my discussions with the daughters this week, I see that this disinterestedness is not unusual as their Mum’s are also not engaged or curious as to the what ifs. Is this learned or enforced dependence; What if I die last? What if there is not enough money? What if I need to rely on someone to help me? What if I can’t find someone I trust? What if I need care? What if I don’t know what enough looks like? What if I am not able to learn?

The difficulties arise when these women are widowed, it is likely that they will outlive their husbands. The Office for National Statistics published the marital status of women and men over 65 and at all age range women are more likely than men to be the surviving partner? See the link Profile of the older population living in England and Wales in 2021 and changes since 2011 - Office for National Statistics (ons.gov.uk)

This is also a concern to the Gen X daughters. These daughters are the sandwich generation in that they may have teenagers, the menopause, relationships, and jobs that take up a large proportion of their mental and physical load and they then must make room for their mother in her hours of need. Often, those in the sandwich generation are better with their financial literacy, but not always, they may have issues with their finances such as lack of pension, debt, or divorce, maybe they have learned too to not speak about money, to depend on someone else. ?Who can help their Mum in a kind and sympathetic manner and who is impartial so won’t try to sell her something she doesn’t understand?

Their mothers, married women of the boomer generation had limited opportunity to be the mistresses of their own financial destinies, they were unable to get a bank account of their own until 1975. It is likely they would have not been earning a significant amount as part time or flexible jobs were difficult to find, working from home had not been invented yet and it is the age that predates tech. If they were working Mums and wives, it might be usual for them to be working for pocket money or fun money as Equal Opportunities and pay act only came into force in the 1970s. Plus childcare was limited. (Available now but eye wateringly expensive, are we going backwards?).

There would have also been the taboo subject’s money, sex, mental health, control of finances, out of control debt, failed businesses – never talked about and all accepted as a normal part of married life, then. Maybe they never had the opportunity to look through the bank statements or other documents. Sign on the dotted line being their only contribution. Signing for WHAT?

Any information available to them would have been from the suited, financial institutions, dry with too much small print or books – boring and already out of date when they hit the shelves written by the suited ones. These mothers from the pre digital age, the attitude, beliefs - theirs? someone else?, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. (You can with the right teacher and if the dog has the energy to learn!)

Add this again to the financial services industry being male dominated, full of jargon and seemingly gatekept by those who profit from overcomplicating personal finance, concern yourself with the upbringing of the children and buy yourself something pretty with the change. THANKS!

So, who are they going to call? They may not want to invest , they might just want to understand their money, they may want to spend their money freely, although post war women can be, concerned for their adult children left behind or frugal to the point of being frightened to spend. The information online, if they are tech savvy is copious and some of it incorrect or inappropriate for the older women. Most finfluencers are young FIRE types looking to make 6 figures in 30 minutes. Your Mum might not want that, she might!. I can sense she is weary just thinking about it.

To learn how to manage and more importantly to enjoy your finances when you have never had the opportunity is a daunting task. The subject of money is such a mystery that it may seems unsurmountable to your Mum. It can cause her to become ill or stressed and unable to enjoy the time she has left and this trickles down to these daughters who care. This is what vulnerability looks like. This is why I trained as a Financial Adviser.

Julia is a trained Financial Adviser now deregulated and working as a Financial Coach and Educator focusing on those underserved in the Financial Services Industry.

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