Does your child ‘feel seen’?

A friend of mine went to Goa to attend a family marriage.

He is singularly the most positive person I know. His uncle there insisted that he stay with them. In their home my friend noticed a quiet boy, around 20 years of age helping and managing stuff around the house. On asking, he found out that he was a distant relative of his uncle who had taken up the job of managing the house and farm.

It was also apparent that his uncle and other residents of the house were not kind to him. E.g. if they were having dinner and food was left over, his uncle would say: yeh clear kar lo aur baaki ka tum kha lena (clear the table and have the rest).

Essentially the way the 20-year-old boy was asked to do stuff around the house made it clear to the boy that ‘he did not matter’.

This boy through the day spoke less and was mostly by himself. Given my friend was there for 3-4 days, he decided to speak to the boy. He spent a day with him. They went on a scooter ride and some waterfalls together. The boy did not want to go but my friend insisted. As they spent time together, my friend also asked him questions about his life. And at the end of the 2nd day, the boy brought my friend a dairy. In the diary were the boy's innermost thoughts. My friend read it through the night and continued talking to the boy.

By the 4th day, there was a significant change in the nature of the boy. From a quiet person who wasn’t uttering a word in the day, he was speaking. More importantly from a person who believed that he had no option but to continue to work for this family, he had started having thoughts about what he could do with his life.

As my friend told me this, it reminded me how much 'being seen' matters.

Here was a 22-year-old boy who didn't 'feel seen'. He was physically there in front of everyone, but it didn't feel like his life mattered. And when someone took interest, in this case, a person who was unknown to him previously, he pepped up. Things changed.

This feeling of 'being seen' I believe is initially given to the child through the parents. It is a deep feeling. Not at the level of mind. Not at the level of thoughts in the brain. But a deep-rooted sense that I matter.

Hence it is not enough to only ‘physically care’ for our child. To ensure our child has a roof over their head, clothes to wear, food to eat on time, and a bed to sleep in isn’t enough. For a young child less than 6 years of age, having 30 min in the morning and an hour in the evening isn’t enough.

Also this sense of not ‘being seen’ doesn’t always manifest as a quiet child. It can also manifest as being a child who constantly seeks attention.

A preschool teacher wrote to me saying I have a child in my class who is always trying to seek attention. And she said that she understands young children do that but this 4-year-old child goes to the extent of hurting herself to get attention.

She shared an instance where another child in the class fell from the chair. And as she was trying to help the child the ‘attention seeker’ child fell down purposely and said: ‘Teacher I also fell, see I also got hurt’.

The preschool teacher had written to me to ask what can she do for this child.

So I asked her if she could share more about the child’s family. What do the parents do? Daily routine of the child? Any siblings?

And she replied that both parents were working. The four-year-old child stays with Nana and naani (grandparents) after school and goes back with mom at 7 pm. And gets time to spend with parents on weekends.

That made sense. Because what the child was trying to do was to ‘be seen’. Her constant behaviour of seeking attention is just a way to know that she matters. And I said to the teacher that I believe if she gets that connection and feeling of ‘being seen’ from her parents, this should go away.

Actually, the grandparents could also have been enough, but we don’t know what is happening there. Do they feel happy when their granddaughter is left with them or do they feel bound? I know of so many adults who have been raised joyously by their grandparents and they feel seen.

Because what is required is the presence of at least one loving adult for a child to feel ‘seen’.

This does not always mean that parents have to leave their job and be with the child 24*7 but it does mean that the parents need to find a way for the child to know that they love her and show it in their actions.

The child needs to know that she ‘is seen’. That she matters as much as her parents’ careers or the mobile in their hands. So that a child doesn’t withdraw from the world like the 22-year-old did or seek constant attention which so many adults do.

This is a deep feeling every parent can give to their children. The feeling of being seen.

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