Does van life feel lonely?

I get asked this question a lot and it's a totally valid one in today's world where we are constantly bombarding our senses and are borderline anxious if we aren't doing something, even if it's just staring at a screen and mindlessly scrolling through a social media feed.

2020 has been a year of great learning for me, both about myself and others and often in unexpected ways. In complete honesty 1.5 years ago I did not see any of this coming. I was with my ex planning to travel for a bit and then come back and continue with life and that was as far as I had got. Fast forward 1.5 years, that relationship ended, I've launched two businesses, live in a van on the road, have a puppy and now actually value not planning too far ahead (those that know me well would be amazed, planning day to day was my thing). So, although van life was maybe just on the periphery of my mind and certainly not something I saw coming as quickly as it did, it's been the best decision I have ever made.

So back to the question, is it lonely? I find this very interesting. When I worked in the city, constantly surrounded by people, in an office also surrounded by people, living with a partner, surrounded by at least him if not others and being social most evenings I would have said I felt at times the loneliest I have ever felt. Something I have learnt over time is that if you surround yourself with the wrong people doing the wrong things that are empty and not in line with your values and passions, you can feel far more lonely than those times where it is just you in your own company.

At times where I feel a little pang of loneliness I now have the ability to take a step back from that emotion and take stock of the reality of my situation. I have so many friends, all around the world that, time difference allowing, I can ring up and catch up with and connect with that know me pretty well and care. In fact I also have people all around NZ now that I can catch up with in person too.

I count myself as ridiculously lucky because I have developed connections over this past year with people I never would have met had it not been for living on the road and developed friendships and working relationships that never would have happened otherwise. Time does not equal success. Just because you have known someone for years, doesn't mean the connection is a quality one. I feel more connected to some of the people I have met this year than friends I have known for several years.

This has also led me to learn something that I probably already knew but didn't always resonate with. One small action can have exponential impact. The amount of kindness and small moments of greatness that happen in my day have the biggest of impact. As often I don't have my former support network physically around me it means it tends to be strangers that lift me throughout my day in ways they probably don't even realise. A smile on the street, a minute chat on the beach when I'm walking the dog, a post on social media complimenting my fitness retreat, swapping life stories with a fellow van lifer in a car park. It goes on and on and there have been so many times where maybe I'm experiencing a little self doubt, or struggling with a choice I've made, or a little sleep deprived and still having to take doggo for a walk and someone has come along and lifted me within seconds.

So, I call 2020 the year of the small moments. There have been endless small moments that have confirmed what I know already to be true and why I know I'm on the right path. The things that lift you are not material or bought in any kind of store. Feeling lonely comes from surrounding yourself by the wrong people and environment and tends to happen when you are purely chasing financial gain and material possessions to try and create happiness from them. Loneliness - and then often depression or anxiety, comes most often from a sense of disconnectedness. So, feeling connected and purposeful comes from chasing your passions and aligning your purpose to something meaningful that goes beyond just yourself. The days when I feel lonely, I step out into my world and find someone to connect with and lift in any small or big way because I know the same has been done for me and it's hugely impactful. And they are EVERYWHERE. We have such a head down mentality these days and ego centric approach to life that we stop noticing the people around us and literally passing us by.

People may find me confusing sometimes and over friendly but I genuinely approach every person I meet as a potential friend or at least a meaningful connection. It might be confusing to some people how friendly I am to them and how much I am willing to offer someone I barely know but I really try to see every person as deserving of the same kindness, respect and support. I have known people minutes and invited them to spend Christmas with me and my friends if they might be facing Christmas alone because I have had the same kindness offered to me when I was travelling and it can literally change a whole persons life and mood by that one small action from you. I also think these kinds of actions used to be more normal but now we live in a world moving further and further away from community and more and more towards the self.

I got paid yesterday for the first time since May as the virus hit me and my business pretty hard. As I got the message saying a sum of money had been deposited into my account I stared at the screen and numbers on it and felt no emotional reaction. No euphoric high, the money didn't suddenly solve any problems I need solving that I have right now, it didn't suddenly make myself love myself more. What it did do, was enable me to go and buy my friend a ticket to a breath work workshop she couldn't afford herself but wanted to attend as she has anxiety. It also enabled me to send my client a gift card from The Good Registry so they can donate to a charity of their choice. It then enabled me to send my candidate a little something to say well done for the new job. I promise you these things felt infinitely better than anything I could go and buy for myself right now. Minimising material possessions creates lightness in you mind and huge freedom. Service to others over self will give you that high you've been missing.

So, I would say to you in conclusion. You can be surrounded by tonnes of people and feel more lonely than being by yourself. If the idea of spending time in your own company scares you that begs the question, what are you scared of realising about your life by giving yourself those moments? Being alone allows you time to reflect and that is a valuable tool, and time we don't often allow ourselves. If you never stop you don't have to own up to parts of your life not being right or aligned to our personal values and goals as you just keep on moving. Stop! If anything I recommend to anyone, with a family or not take yourself away just you for a weekend. Ideally somewhere with no signal so you can truly be with yourself. If you can only manage a day or half a day so be it. But give yourself some time to see if your current actions and situation are truly reflective of where you want to be.

It can't be a coincidence that during this time with the virus, which has mostly given people a lot more time to reflect, people have been making some big changes to their lives. I was already on that path with my own business in recruitment but it is due to the virus that I have launched Elysian Escapes something that has been on my mind for years but I keep shoving to the back of my head, telling myself it wasn't possible. I promise you, it's all possible.

Being alone does not have to equal feeling lonely. And feeling lonely does not mean you are alone.