Does self-promotion ever feel like selfish promotion?

In my last article,?I shared why I think confidence is not the 'optimal' choice to 'fix' the?high-achieving people-pleasers (HAPP) paradox.?

This paradox results in a tremendously distracting and?life-minimising?noise in our head that won't shut up because the high-achiever (HA) that wants success is fighting the people-pleaser (PP) that is hypersensitive to other people's perception of them.

The problem with trying to quiet this?noise with confidence, such as putting up your hand and saying "I'm right for the job, here's why!" is that this confidence feels like selfishness for a HAPP.

And this is especially relevant as tomorrow marks the official International Women’s Day. This year the United Nation’s goal is to understand how we can better invest in women to accelerate progress. While there are all the barriers we know exist, i.e., time, money, distractions, I believe the real problem is: how do you invest in someone who struggles to believe they are worth the investment? How do you invest in someone that will struggle to be proud of their abilities which is key to rise into higher leadership positions?

But on the same token, I get it. Because no one enjoys being around an arrogant self-promoter, which is why for us to achieve the goal of successfully investing in women to accelerate both their and our collective progress, we need to first change the relationship with how we talk about ourselves and our abilities.

Should you keep reading?

Does the gung-ho visionary inside of you dream of?a future where you see yourself?achieving everything you've ever wanted and more, but then when you need to put the wheels in motion (such as promoting yourself as the right person for the job), a voice inside of you says "Reaaaaally, you? ???Well ain't you full of yourself".

Read on young grasshopper, read on.

Should I? Shouldn't I?

Ok, let me give you a really clear example of how this conflict plays out in 'real life' (and is so damn annoying).

I was out with my girlfriend for a lunch a few weeks back. She's an incredible human (and top of my list of girl crushes)?that works with women to accelerate their careers. She had recently given a workshop - and was super duper proud of her participants' effort and results.

She wanted to take a photo of them to post on Linkedin?(being the?proud mama bear she is).

But also, the HA in her knows that a business can't run if it's a secret so self-promotion is critical.

So she's just about to take the photo?when the group?said:

"Girl! Get in the photo!"

And of course, she can't pull a 'Where's Waldo' and hide in the back row. They put here smack dab in the middle.

So here's where the conflict comes in to wreak havoc:

HA -?The HA in her wants to post that photo on Linkedin because it understands that it's part of the marketing?strategy to build her business.

PP?- The PP inside of her says 'for the love of sweet pancakes, you want to post a photo of YOU in the MIDDLE? FFS how much more self-centered and?egotistical can you get?'

And so... the conflict continues.

The HA says "no, I'm going to post it. Fk off."

And then... minutes go by.

No likes.

No comments.

So the PP comes back and says

"See? I told you so. Everyone thinks you're full of yourself - THAT'S why they're not liking it".

The root of the?inner conflict

For many of us this mindset of

• 'care what other people think'
• ‘everyone must like you’
• 'don’t be a tall poppy' or
• 'don't be so selfish'

has been with us since we were young.

We put up our hand to give and answer and the teacher says 'let someone else try'.

We play four square at recess with?our 'game on' mindset and we leave nothing to chance. Because we want to WIN.

But then we're told to play nicely and let others win too.

Essentially, it has been?implicitly modelled to us?and/or explicitly told that you must treat others like they're more important than you.

And if we go one step further down the rabbit hole?

The story we constantly tell ourselves is:

Any display of our ego is being selfish.

So now what?

In my latest keynote ?(which is perfect for IWD I must say), I speak about why self-respect is the key to building a healthy ego, rather than repressing it because?we fear it.

Here's why:

Self-respect is knowing you're important.

Now, you might be thinking - Kat, what are you smoking?

That sounds really, really arrogant and?egotistical.

So here's an important detail:

Self-respect is saying "I am important".

Arrogance is saying "I am more important than you".

So how does that work IRL?

Let me first say knowing this is not going to magically make you?walk around like Aretha Franklin singing RESPECT all of the sudden while you hair flick and check your nails (but wouldn't that be nice).

But what this can help you do is post a photo of yourself because you know?that doing so isn't an act of 'I'm more important that you' - but rather, simply knowing you are important.

And in a world where disrespecting each other has become so common that it's now simply considered 'normal', I think this message is more important than ever.

Why?

Because when we truly and deeply respect ourselves, it's impossible to disrespect another human being.

And that, my beautiful friend, is what the Self-Respect Revolution is all about.

Building a world where everyone knows they're important.

Before you go, 2 important things.

Looking for a speaker for International Women's Day/Month?

If you think this conversation and The Self-Respect Revolution would benefit your?audience at an upcoming event...

I'd love to hear from you ?? (or if you just want to take me shoe shopping that's ok too).

EMAIL?ME

Are you a HAPP??I want to learn from you!

Do you identify as a HAPP??If you're keen to share what is in that beautiful brain of yours, I've created a 100% anonymous questionnaire for you to fill out.

I'd love to learn from you.

In advance, THANK YOU ????

GO TO THE QUESTIONNAIRE