Does Networking Come Naturally to You?

In July 2008, I attended an old school friend’s wedding. David and I are part of a group of eight friends that have stayed in close contact. Today, now with wives and partners (and ever-increasing numbers of children), we’ve all remained close. 

David’s wedding to Lottie was on one of those amazing days when the British weather manages to do what it is supposed to do in summer. The venue was a stately home near Crewe, where every room, with the antique furniture, paintings and fittings looked wonderful. 

The regular wedding traditions were all there: after the wedding ceremony itself, all the guests, were mingling and chatting on the lawn in front of the house, getting stuck into the Pimms. Dinner was then served, followed by speeches, cutting the cake, the first dance, and of course lots more booze.

During the day, I noticed something. Whenever people were chatting, I only talked to my group of friends. For the wedding ceremony, I sat myself next to people who I knew already. 

When the guests went to sit down for dinner, the seating plan dictated that I would be next to people who I knew well. OK, not my choice there, but it still suited me fine to not be next to strangers, and not to have to make uncomfortable small talk. As the evening progressed, the dance floor became busier and busier. I, with my two left feet, preferred to sit and chat with my friends.

Not once did I make the effort to go and speak to someone new, someone I didn’t know, someone different. It’s not exactly difficult to start up a conversation at a wedding. Everyone is (generally) happy to be there. There is a shared connection with literally every guest (i.e. we all knew David & Lottie). So I had the opportunity to meet new people, but I just didn’t want to.

Why was this? I run a business networking organisation! I meet new people all day every day! I spend my entire professional time talking to people. What was the difference here? Indeed, at work, I’ll not only be meeting new people, I’ll be up in front of them, speaking and training. So, not only do I spend a lot of time networking, I also train people how to network! Surely I should have no problem talking to people and socialising at a relaxed occasion like a wedding.

But the fact remains that I did have a problem with chatting to people at David & Lottie’s wedding. I had no inclination whatsoever to put myself out of my comfort zone.

I must put this in further context, by talking about my Mum. Put simply, I don’t know anyone who networks better than her. I remember going to a funeral with her once, which was when it struck me just how good at engaging with other people she is. 

The funeral was my great aunt’s, who died when she was well into her 90s. Most of her generation had now either passed away, or if they were still alive, were unable to travel to the funeral. So there were just a handful of people at the crematorium, and afterwards at the wake.

Now I know that this was a funeral, and not a riotous party. But with so few people, there was virtually no conversation. But then my Mum got going. She got everyone chatting and enjoying themselves, as much as anyone is going to at a funeral. She talked to everyone. She showed a genuine interest in them. She introduced people to one another. She made the whole occasion… bearable.

Where was I in all this? Yes, you guessed it, I was cowering in the corner, trying to avoid talking to too many people. Or, when I got roped into a conversation by my Mum, trying to appear to be vaguely interested. 

So what is the relevance of these two non-work related events? Why am I discussing them in a post about networking? Well, networking is talking to people. Networking is about building relationships. The more you talk to people, the better the relationships you’ll be able to build. 

In a business context, we call it networking (and that word can be off-putting to lots of people). In social circumstances, we call it talking to people. In fact, they’re the same thing.

 

Both David and Lottie’s wedding and my great aunt’s funeral (and don’t worry, we’re not going to discuss another three weddings…) got me thinking. I don’t really enjoy meeting new people very much!

It is true: I can categorically state, that I, as the head of the UK and Ireland arm of the world’s largest and most successful business referral and networking organisation, do not like networking! There, I’ve said it. 

But why? Why is it that I am perfectly comfortable networking when I ‘have to’, but when I don’t, it is the last thing I want to do?

You see, I’m not bad at networking. I know that in my professional life I’m very good at it. I can very easily enter a room of strangers, introduce myself, and get to know something about them. I know I can leave with follow up opportunities.

It’s just that for me, networking is not something that is naturally in my comfort zone. I’m far happier sitting back, taking everything in, and spending my time with people who I care about. But I can manage networking if I want to: if I can persuade myself to take a step out of my comfort zone, I know I can network just as effectively as anyone else. 

In essence, I’m an Unnatural Networker.

In business, we are told that we’ve got to network. Perhaps you’re about to start your own business: in that situation what you need more than anything is for the phone to ring. Without clients, the new business will fail. If you already run a successful small business, you’re probably looking for more new clients, or better new clients. You may work for someone else, but your job requires you to bring in new business and generate sales. 

In each of these scenarios, we’re told that networking is the answer. ‘Go and get yourself out there in the market’ we’re told: and to be honest, that advice is right.

So, what do we do when we ‘go and get ourselves out there in the market’? If networking is supposed to be so important, why am I hearing about the need to do it now, once I’m in the situation I’m in? Why wasn’t I taught how to network when I was at school, college or university? I did a business degree at university. It included modules on strategy, accounting, marketing, customer service: but there wasn’t a single word on networking! 

The point is that networking is a subject you can study. It is a topic you can read expert advice in, and it is a skill that, crucially, you can practice. There are many people, like myself, who just need a bit of help on who to approach when networking, and how to get into good conversations. 

So, do my experiences at the wedding and the funeral ring any bells for you? You’ll probably fall into one of two camps. The first group may be thinking that there’s no way you’d ever feel uncomfortable talking to other people at a social event, particularly where there is a strong common connection with the other people there.  

The other option is that you’re not very comfortable in these situations – a bit like me. You’ll find it nerve-wracking when interacting with strangers, and you’d far rather spend time with people who you are comfortable with. Meeting new people takes you out of your comfort zone. Let’s look at that – there really is nothing to fear!

For a long time, I believed that to be successful at networking, you had to be able to ‘work the room’. Working the room means that at any given event, you make sure to greet all the attendees. If it was a business networking event, that may also include swapping business cards with everybody there. When you leave the event, you would be sure that people will remember who you were and what you do. 

Some years ago, I worked at a wine company in London, and a colleague of mine, Nicolla, was what I then perceived to be the ultimate networker. Essentially, she was excellent at working the room. Maybe the fact that the wine company’s events involved wine had something to do with it, but I was always in awe of how easily Nicolla found it to chat to anyone and everyone at any given event we were at. 

Looking back, watching her in action was certainly a factor in me fearing networking. I thought that networking meant working the room.

In her book ‘Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking’, Susan Cain describes extroverts as ‘gregarious, alpha, comfortable in the spotlight… socializes in groups… the kind who’s comfortable “putting himself out there”’. This is exactly what I perceived you had to be to be able to work the room.

I thought I needed to be confident to walk up to people, and not only introduce myself, but be able to join in conversations. That may be with just one other person, or with 3 or 4 people. But it doesn’t end there – new people will be brought into conversation, and I’d move onto a different group of people. 

So, as I started having to network myself, two key things held me back. Firstly, my only real example was watching Nicolla do her thing, confidently working the room. Secondly, I’d concluded that you had to be an extrovert to do this. How could the introverted me possibly be able to keep up with Nicolla and the like?

How do introverts look at the world? Susan Cain contends that introversion is about gathering information on a situation and waiting before acting. Instead of diving in confidently and gregariously, introverts will proceed cautiously. 

Introverts don’t look to engage with others at every opportunity. Clearly, there will always be shades of grey, but in general, apart from in extreme cases of introversion, it doesn’t mean that the introvert won’t interact with anyone. They’ll just try to keep to themselves more or look to mix with those that they are familiar with. 

Once in a conversation, the introvert won’t look to exit to find another person to talk to: that would mean stepping out of their comfort zone again. Striking up the first conversation was hard enough after all!   

This often means that the conversation becomes deeper, and less superficial. While the extrovert is off starting a new conversation to make sure they speak to everyone in the room, the introvert is really beginning to get to know the person they’re talking to. This will take them far beyond the basic details of just finding out the person’s name, what their business is, and where they are based. 

This allows them to become arguably an even better networker than the extrovert.

If you’re feeling unnatural about going networking – remember this. Between a third and a half of the world’s entire population are introverted. That means that when you go out networking, there is a good likelihood you’ll be talking to an introvert. Whoever you’re talking to will probably feel just like you.