Does This Legal Battle Have Something to Do With The Rest Of Us?

What resonates with us can lead to learning, healing… or both.

These days I often check the YouTube videos about the Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard Defamation Trial, which is streamed live on several online platforms (including YouTube).?

Since I rarely allow myself to spend so much time on something I’m not usually interested in (the lives of celebrities and what they’re going through), I became curious why I’m so drawn to watch this civil lawsuit and other videos that talk about it.

It turns out… this trial brings up topics, concepts, and facts that many people resonate with, either from direct experience or someone they know. In my case, both.?

There’s so much to learn from watching the live broadcasts from the trial courtroom. Also, from the YouTube videos featuring the others’ opinion (lawyers, psychologists, experts in body language, abuse, deception, behavior, statement analyst, voice stress,...) on what they noticed about this lawsuit and its implications.

The event has broad media coverage, and many social media posts cover this topic as well.?Since you can find that information online, I’ll bring my point of view from a system thinking and coaching perspective.

While we can get easily caught into all the nasty details of this defamation trial about domestic abuse, we can also detach ourselves a bit from what we’re noticing in these videos. We can pay attention to how we resonate with this information, how it changes our perception about past events we were part of, witnessed, or heard about…?if we suddenly remember long forgotten memories and see them in a different light… if we can learn something new… or what impact the information regarding this legal battle could have on those around us and the society…?

We all have this ability to detach from a current situation we're part of or resonate with and notice what else pops up in our mind… which is a prerequisite for systems thinking.

This legal battle seems to be another wake up call for humanity, despite who will win.?I’m no longer surprised this tropic has attracted millions of people to watch, comment on, and try to discern the truth from all the facts and lies it exposes us to.

You'll find below what I noticed and learned from this situation, while focusing on four levels: individual, interpersonal, organizational, and systemic level.

Please let me know if anything resonates with you.??

1) At the individual level

??Active listening and double signals

We can be easily triggered in forming a biased opinion if we don’t pay attention. And even if we do, there are so many details we might miss at first.

There are many people, both women and men, who experienced bullying and abuse in one form or another throughout their life. At a personal or professional level, or both.

Since this defamation trial about domestic abuse is streamed live on several platforms, it’s like a movie where we all have access to events in real time! Which draws us in emotionally to a bigger extent than we might expect or want, especially those who experienced these behaviours in the past or know people who did.?Such level of emotional involvement leads us to forming a biased opinion based on our own background and understanding of what we see and hear. And, as in real life, we might miss or ignore some elements.?

When we evaluate a situation, it's better to look from different perspectives before making an opinion or drawing a conclusion.?

With all the information and expert opinions about this legal battle unfolding before our eyes, along with our own observations and reactions, we can find new perspectives to consider.

For example, while watching Amber Heard’s testimony via the live broadcast, it wasn’t able to catch all the details of the body language, sentence structure, incongruences between her words, body language, and emotions, etc. However, I've got a feeling that something wasn’t quite right, although my mind couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was. Later on, watching the videos of experts commenting on her testimony, the details they caught and decoded based on their expertise helped me understand why I felt that way. For instance, when Amber seemed to cry (which looked so fake to me), the expert noticed there were no tears; or while describing a situation, her gestures reflected the opposite of what she was saying.?

I mentioned this example to draw your attention to two concepts we use in system coaching:?active listening and double signals.

Active listening is when you pay attention to more than what you see and hear. Considering an individual as a whole system, you try to pick up other signals as well: if the words match the emotions you noticed, if the gestures seem congruent with the message the person tries to convey, how it makes you feel, how you react to what you notice, what thoughts come to your mind, etc.?It might seem a lot, but with practice you can get better at active listening... which helps you get a more accurate opinion of what's going on.

Double signals refer to what you notice when you are actively listening. If you catch an inconsistency between what someone is saying, for example, and the person's facial expression in that moment, this is a double signal... which means the person may be lying about the situation or parts of it. Ignoring these double signals could affect how you perceive the actual situation and your opinion about it.

This legal battle and the experts’ comments about it are like a crash course in understanding the human behaviour, with real case studies. It helps us understand better what to look for to spot abusers, what we can do to avoid being caught in a cycle of bullying and abuse, or at least identify the red flags and ask for help before the situation escalates to dangerous levels.

??A broader understanding of events we have been through is empowering and facilitates healing

While watching this trial and the videos with expert opinions, I remembered long forgotten moments of my life and understood them in a different light.?

“You don’t look like a divorced woman,” a former high school colleague told me when we met again, years after graduation. “Because you didn’t see me in between. My marriage was like a psychological prison,” I said, happy that I gradually built the courage to ask for the divorce and reconnect with the real me, the one he knew from our high school years.?

Why am I sharing this??

Because I can relate to what Johnny Depp seemed to experience during his marriage with Amber Heard. Even though what I experienced was emotional and psychological abuse (without domestic violence), for a sensitive introvert like me, even that was enough to suffer.?Thanks to this legal battle and the information it brought to my attention, now I can recognize behaviours and have words to describe what I’ve been through during that time.

Johnny Depp considering himself the abused (not the abuser) – even though he’s a man – made me think of three people I know. Two are men who went through similar experiences: people not believing when they talked about how many times their respective wives abused them. Also, there are several social media and video comments of men sharing they too experienced domestic abuse and their words were not taken seriously.?

We seem to live in a society that considers men stronger than women. That might not be the full truth if we leave physical strength aside. Emotional and psychological abuse is real. It's not associated only with one genre.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman. Like the Chinese water torture, abusers find their way to break down your confidence and sense of self though daily doses of criticism, gaslighting, control, or coercion. This gradually makes you disconnect from who you really are, fearful of being judged or worse, and thinking you no longer have the power to do something about the situation. You might have moments when you burst into anger because you can’t keep it inside any longer. And you might reach a point where your inner suffering is so strong that you don't care anymore what could come happen if you speak up.?

Some break before reaching that point. Others, like Johnny Depp, decide to open up their private life to the entire world to see and draw their own conclusions because... “it’s not about who wins or loses this trial. I lost nothing less than everything” (his words during this legal battle). “I’m doing this so my son doesn’t get bullied at school by children who say his father is a wife beater.” That’s a meaningful cause that would empower an introvert to open up and do something shed a light on his perception about what really happened.?

Looking back?through the lens of what I’ve learned from following this unfolding legal battle, I recognize the signs of gaslighting, control, and coercion that were present in my ex-marriage as well. Now it makes sense why the thought of asking for a divorce felt so liberating when it popped into my mind for the first time. The energy of that thought gave me strength to go through the divorce without worrying much about what will be after, even if I became a single mom of two.

That bold decision was the first of many that I took. How things unfolded taught me I can find the strength to handle tough situations if I always act with integrity.????

Although I thought I already learned important lessons from my direct experience with bullying and abuse – and applied them later to avoid such situations –?this defamation trial deepened my learning.

So I’m thankful to Johnny Depp for requesting the lawsuit to be streamed live and available on YouTube. I also hope the recordings of his legal battle and the videos with experts’ opinions will help many people understand better their experiences and learn from them, so they too can recognize and avoid abusers in the future.?

2. At the interpersonal level

Relationships are systems, relationship systems that evolve in time. While outside situations and challenges impact them, they’re also affected by the people engaging in those relationships.

No two relationships are the same. Even if one person is part of both relationships.?

Why? Because how a person acts or reacts in a relationship could be triggered by the other’s actions or reactions. Taking no action is also an action. Whether you decide not to take action, your body is too weak or you don’t have enough mental energy to do something… it affects how the other reacts to your “no action.”

Going back to this defamation trial: could it be that Johnny’s anger and jealousy that Amber’s lawyers keep pointing out were triggered by that fact (proved with video evidence) that his wife Amber was bringing men late at night into his house while he was away? Could it be that Amber’s lies (even in court) triggered him to shout at her during their marriage? Could it be that Amber chasing him to beg for forgiveness (proven with audio recordings) –?when he withdrew in other rooms to avoid her anger and rage –?made her more angry and abusive? Could it be that this vicious cycle they're both caught in led to both consuming more drugs and alcohol? Could Johnny's openness about his consumption of alcohol and drugs during this lawsuit, while Amber denies hers... impact this legal battle outcome?

And the list could continue…?

That's why, in system coaching, we say that an interpersonal relationship is a live entity. The people involved in that relationship influence each other, so the relationship changes in time. And when we bring in the personal background and perception about what's going on, it becomes clearer why – in system coaching – we consider that "everyone is right, but only partially (from their own perspective)."

So, what to do when we identify signs of abuse in a relationship?

Start thinking about what you can do differently, even if you think you can still handle the situation as is – because it could get worse and you might not have enough energy to get out of it at that point. If you don’t know what else you could do, search for information online, talk to people you trust or specialists, try to change a bit how you react to other's behaviour each time.

Like on an icy road, when your car start sliding you need to stop doing whatever you were doing. Otherwise, you can lose control of your car.

In system coaching we use the concept 2 degrees angle. Which means, a small change can become bigger in time.

This process can also have a compound effect: small behaviour changes can compound into life-changing results over time.

People resist to big, sudden changes. We are hard-wired to resist change.?While a small positive change in behavior may go unnoticed at this time, its effect adds to the impact of previous minor changes.

When you start doing small changes to your behaviour, the ripple effect on the other person's behaviour in time might surprise you.

I see in this legal battle as well: people are often focused on specific events, rarely thinking that any event is part of a process. What led the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard marriage to become abusive was probably the small negative changes in their behaviours that occurred in time, and their ripple effect on each other.?

Who said that such a process cannot also go well in the other direction, a positive? It can, but they're a need for a desire and commitment, from both parts, to make that happen.

In my case, when I noticed how uncomfortable I felt in that marriage, and things got worse, I realized that something needs to change. So I gradually stopped to comply and accept the situation as is. Each small step I took triggered a small reaction in him, which I was able to handle. In time, this process built momentum and helped gain strength for the big step: the divorce.?

With that lesson learned, I used the same strategy also in the professional world when I found myself working with abusive managers. In another situation, I kept withdrawing from conversations every time when they became too intense to handle; the time between those interactions helped me build strength; meantime the other person went through her own growth journey and gradually our conversations became much better.

Relationships are opportunities for personal growth.

3. At the organizational level

Organizations (including their teams, departments) are systems, live entities affected by what’s happening inside and outside.

What I did here –?looking at this civic lawsuit from various perspectives – can also be done with situations and systems in the professional world.

If we consider this lawsuit a system: the interactions between lawyers and witnesses, the dynamics inside each lawyers’ team and against each other, the witness testimonials, the plaintiff and defendant behaviour during this legal battle... say a lot about this system (the lawsuit). Hearing the different perspectives certainly helps us all make a better idea about what’s going on, what happened, what’s next, and the implications of this situation… than if we heard only one side. The videos with experts’ opinions add even more information and clarifications.?

If you talk about a team, wouldn’t it benefit more from hearing the different perspectives of the team members about the situation they’re dealing with? It could increase the awareness of all members about what’s going on, what’s possible, risks and opportunities. And the team members would feel valued and be willing to contribute more in time. Otherwise…

The same at the organizational level: wouldn’t it benefit from hearing the perspectives of different departments before making important decisions? Because all the system components are interrelated and influence each other, they don't work in silos (even some might think so).

In system coaching, allowing all voices of a system to be heard is called deep democracy. By inviting even those who are less talkative or have negative opinions to share their perspective, the awareness of every member of the system (team, department, organization) increases, leading to better decisions and solutions. Those who talk little might have great ideas; their perspectives are important as well, because they could see the situation from a different angle. Also, there is a reason behind those negative opinions; getting curious about what that is would also add new perspectives.?

While I'm talking about inviting the system members to share their point of view, I wonder if you noticed bullying and abuse behaviour in organizations. I certainly did.?

How to prevent such behaviour from perpetuating in an organization?

It starts with the organizational culture and internal policies. Then implementing them. and creating and maintaining a work environment that makes it easier for employees to spot and report this behaviour without fearing consequences.

Otherwise, you’ll see the work environment deteriorating in time, decreased performance, resignations of (valuable) employees, difficulty recruiting new talent, dissatisfied clients,…

Some resources:

• An article about how to protect your career against a narcissist (the strategies shared are useful for personal relationships as well): https://www.darkreading.com/edge-articles/5-tips-for-protecting-your-career-against-a-narcissist
• A LinkedIn post with interesting comments regarding why some bosses bully their best employees: https://www.dhirubhai.net/posts/jonathan-wilson-51a1407b_why-some-bosses-bully-their-best-employees-activity-6931318471469248512-e8dM

4. At the systemic level

Thinking of the implications of this defamation trial at the systemic level, several things come to my mind:

• If Amber Heard did abused Johnny Depp during their marriage – as it transpires from various recordings presented – her actions might have a negative impact on a larger scale (besides her own image, career, and personal life).?In 2018, she declared in Washington Post that two years earlier she became “a public figure representing domestic abuse.” Could her words turn against her and the larger movements she was associated with?
• On another note, the increased visibility and publicity this legal battle got helps a lot of more people become aware of?the characteristics of bullying, abuse, and narcissistic behaviour. Since knowledge is power, the people who are aware of these characteristics could become a growing force that recognizes, exposes, and learns how to deal with such behaviours before they do more damage. I'm hopeful this will lead to a decrease in these behaviours in time, leading to a better society for all of us.

• The book The Bullied Brain: Heal Your Scars and Restore Your Health by Jennifer Fraser, Ph.D highlights the brain damages caused by bullying and abuse, the long-term impact of these damages, and the implications at the systemic level of perpetuating this behaviours. The book also leaves us with the hopeful message that neuroplasticity can help the healing.

Back to you

• Do you envision other personal, interpersonal, organizational, and systemic changes springing out of this lawsuit????
• Anything else you’d like to add about the topics I covered above?

Hmm… I wonder if writing this article was another reason I needed to spend so much time watching this legal battle.

Anyway, if you have questions or know people and organizations who need help to navigate their challenges, I'm one click away!

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Gabriela Casineanu, MSc, MBA, ORSC

System Inspired Coach ??Change Facilitator ??Award-Winning author

GabrielaCasineanu.com???IntrovertsAcademy.org???My books