Does Intention Matter?

Have you ever felt uncomfortable with something someone said or did… but knew they meant absolutely nothing by it?

Let’s talk about what I like to call “Sweet Old Man Syndrome.” (This happens with women, too!) Sweet Old Man Syndrome occurs when you interact with someone pleasant, non-threatening, and yet still (in your opinion) doing something inappropriate. Maybe they call you by a pet name or place their hand on your back or somewhere else overly familiar. Perhaps they ask personal questions or ask you to do something you’re not comfortable doing.

This isn’t the creeper at a bar who is trying to rile you up with his abusive language while he drops a roofie in your drink. This is a legitimately nice person who may not realize their words or behavior makes others uncomfortable. This could be a friend, a family member, or even your boss. The problem is, if they don’t intend to do it… does it still warrant a conversation?

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Do I Really Need To Say Something?

A few days ago, I was messaging with someone I’ve known for years. We’re not close, but we keep in touch on social media. We were chatting on FB messenger when he started a question with “Sweetie.”

Now, this guy is incredibly nice, not the least bit creepy or threatening, and I truly believe that he meant nothing inappropriate by the comment. However, that didn’t stop the uneasy feeling from creeping up in my stomach. It wasn’t the same blind rage I felt when a random dude at the mall called my 17-year-old self “Princess,” but I still felt uncomfortable.

To be honest, I wrestled with what to do for about a day. I knew he wasn’t trying to be offensive or patronizing. Would he think I was rude if I said something? Was it too late to say something after I’d failed to address it in the moment?

But then I remembered… Boundary Expert. If I don’t speak up when I feel uncomfortable, what right do I have to tell others to do so?

Does Intention Matter?

If a tree falls in the woods but there’s no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound?

Well, we’d have to interview a chipmunk to get to the truth, but I’d be willing to bet it does.

Yes, intention matters. Do you know what else matters? How you feel about something.

Now, I’m not saying that calling someone Sweetie or touching someone in a non-sexual way is inappropriate behavior for everyone, but if it’s inappropriate for you, a boundary needs to be set.?

Communicate Your Boundary

Intention does factor into how you respond.

If a creeper is eyeing your drink, feel free to respond however the heck you want to respond! Tell him to back up, toss that aforementioned drink in his face. Do whatever you need to do to be and feel safe.

However, if you truly believe the person was well-intentioned, you’ll want to respond kindly and clearly. Make it clear that it’s not the person but rather the behavior that is making you uncomfortable.

When I realized that I’d be kicking myself (not to mention being a hypocrite) if I didn’t address it, I put on my big girl, boundary-setting pants and messaged him:

“Favor: Please don’t call me Sweetie. Terms of endearment are reserved for my dad and my husband. Thank you for understanding!”

Now, as with any boundary-setting experience, this could have gone a few ways. Had he been a creeper in disguise, he would’ve doubled down, said I was being silly or bitchy, or done something else to make me feel bad for setting the boundary. Note: If this is how someone reacts to you, they are showing you their true colors. They are also showing you they don’t respect you, and if the behavior persists, they probably shouldn’t be in your life.

In this case, the man reacted precisely as he should’ve. He said he meant it in kindness, and he apologized.

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be this dramatic, traumatic experience where relationships are destroyed. When boundaries are appropriately communicated, everyone wins.

Your Opportunity Hasn’t Passed

Throughout your boundary journey (ie, your entire life), things will occur that may shock you or throw you off in the moment. You’ll also encounter things that don’t register as bothering you until some time has passed. This is normal.

Thankfully, it doesn’t mean you can’t address it. If it’s something that isn’t sitting right with you, and/or could potentially occur again, it’s okay to speak up after the fact. If some time has passed, you may need to refer back to the incident as the other person may not remember it. “When you____ the other day, I felt ____.”

Depending on the situation, you may also want to preface it with, “I don’t think you were trying to make me feel uncomfortable, however…”

Then, let them know the specific behavior and, if necessary, how to correct it moving forward.

Conclusion ??

Boundaries are different for everyone. What is perfectly acceptable for one person, may be completely unacceptable for another. We teach people how to treat us. Be kind and be clear, but be comfortable speaking up and advocating for yourself.

Is there a boundary situation you need to address?

About Sheryl Green

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker, author, and the “How to Say No” Expert. She works with?individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.?

Get her "How to Say No" Cheat Sheet at www.SherylGreenSpeaks.com.