Does HOW you see me impact IF you see me?

A colleague called me this week. I'll call her Jane. She had led a Diversity & Inclusion (D&I) class the day before. She loves the class, the content, the interaction during the class, the outcomes. Jane is passionate about the topic and the work, is committed to making a difference in the world in helping people understand D&I: what it is, the benefits to everyone and how you make it real.

Someone wrote a message on the evaluation of the class. They had no comment about the class, only about her. They said that Jane shouldn't lead D&I classes because she doesn't know what she is talking about and isn't authentic because she is "White and obviously comes from privilege and wealth." They said that classes like this should only be led by someone who is not White, is gay or "trans."

What?

Jane sent me a text then a phone call, both saying, "I need your point of view and council."

Let me take a moment to describe Jane to you. She's beautiful inside and out. Tall, I'd guess about 5'10. She looks like she's in her 30's but girlfriend is 50. Her style and taste in clothing is wonderfully relaxed, chic. Her hair is shoulder length, light brown with blonde highlights and she has hazel eyes. She stands at her full height, erect, confident and oh-so approachable, smart and witty, kind and compassionate. She has a fine formal education and she has several degrees in life. She connects easily with people of all diversities. Um hum. I love her.

When we spoke, I listened as Jane told me the story. When she finished, I didn't say anything right away. Then I asked, "Anything else, love?" She said, “No. That's it.” I said, “first, just breathe.” So we did for about a minute. We were silent, allowing things to settle in our bodies, minds, hearts and spirits.

In the silence, I reflected on what happened. Someone came to class. We don't know what was going on with them or in their lives before they walked in. No notion of the things that are happening in their personal or professional lives nor that of others important to them. The person showed up with their prejudices and needs -- as we all do. This person didn't and still doesn't know anything more about my friend than they did with that first impression: her skin color, posture and dress. They don't know the truth of the dynamics of the family she was born into. The poverty she and her Mother lived in and through, the details of being homeless; the struggle to survive, of being discriminated against and excluded because she and her Mother were financially poor. This person looked at Jane, closed their ears, heart, eyes and mind so that they didn't hear a thing she nor anyone else in class said because they were busy listening to the story they were spinning about what must be true because of the way she (Jane) looks, what they saw when they looked at her without really seeing her and the judgements and projections they had about her, her life, abilities and worth.

Jane and I began to talk. I said, "Well, the first thing you're going to do is stay White." We laughed. "You can't change that and yay for the deliciousness of you. That's part of who you are. You're beautiful just as you are." Then we went on and discussed more about prejudice, racism, bigotry, exclusion and inclusion, impacts on both the person making assumptions and the person that they’ve targeted mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. We talked about options, responses, reactions during and after class, behaviors of others who actually participated and more.

When she was ready, we discussed how Jane might use this for her own personal and professional development, how she needs to love herself and others — including the person who wrote the message — while processing it and later when she discusses it with others, how it's a great story to point to the facts that all people make assumptions and people make assumptions about all people.

I suggested some questions we can ask ourselves when we feel uncomfortable in a situation or with someone and notice we feel closed or defensive, offended, skeptical or resistant. I’ll share them with you: What is/was my goal in coming to this class, meeting, etc.? What assumptions am I making? About who and what? What might I be missing? What is in everyone's highest good? Given this, has my goal changed and is it now or still synergistic? What's the best thing I can do for myself and everyone else in this moment? How can I help make my synergistic goal a reality? What can get/is getting in my way? How can I mitigate those things? What's my WIIFM when I achieve the synergistic goal? Of course there are more but these may spark questions you can ask yourself so that you are fully present and inclusive.

When we were done -- Jane and I gave each other a virtual hug and kiss, expressed our gratitude for each other, the gift of trust we have and the love we share.

What a blessing when others give you their trust and ask for your help. What a blessing to know people you can trust and feel safe enough to ask them to help you. Both are about giving and receiving Love. Wonderful. We all need each other. Isn't that delicious?