Does having a beard make me a better writer?

I've always liked having a beard of some sort.

When it was short...I had a feeling that I'd like it long.

When it was brown...I couldn't wait until it turned grey.

Or better still...white.

It made me feel more intelligent. Possibly more knowledgeable.

Or so I believed.

Until I read what Orson Welles said about his.

And I quote:

"I have the terrible feeling that, because I am wearing a white beard and am sitting in the back of the theatre, you expect me to tell you the truth about something. These are the cheap seats, not Mount Sinai."

When I read that, I had the terrible feeling that, maybe, my beard just made me look hairy. Occasionally unkempt.

Not more intelligent or knowledgeable at all.

I sighed and went back to my writing.

I've always liked being a writer of some sort.

When I was short...I had a feeling that I'd like to write stories for children.

When I was taller...I wanted to write detective novels. It seemed to me that, in order to write a decent detective novel, I needed to be a certain height. 

I thought that being a certain weight would also help.

When I grew even taller...I decided I wanted to be in advertising.

Somewhere along the way I came across Lee Clow.

He's the chairman and global director of TBWA/Worldwide and has been its chief creative officer.

He has a beard.

A lovely white one.

A bit like mine is now.

He was mates with Steve Jobs...and was one of the guys at Chiat/Day that created Apple's groundbreaking 1984 commercial.

The one that introduced the Apple Macintosh.

The one directed by Ridley Scott.

The one considered by many to be the greatest Super Bowl commercial ever made. Even though it ran only once.

The one that, along with their "Here's to the crazy ones" Think Different campaign, blew me away.

Lee is considered by many to be a bit of an advertising icon and art director guru.

Which got me thinking.

Maybe one of the reasons why he's so damned creative has something to do with his facial decor.

Did he become so good because he has creative follicles?

It gave me hope.

Right up until I remembered the finest of my copywriting heroes.

A certain David Abbott.

A genius with words.

And clean shaven.

Dammit.

I climbed up to my attic. Brought down an old cardboard box. Fished out a file. And opened it to reveal copies of his press ads.

I read a headline: "I never read The Economist" - Management Trainee, Aged 42.

I read another, this one for Volvo: If the welding isn't strong enough, the car will fall on the writer.

I read my favourite piece of Abbott body copy. From an ad merely known as Father's Day. Right down to the last line: "Because if you don't deserve Chivas Regal, who does?"

Then I sat back, stroked my chin hair, and a wry smile invaded my face.

Does having a beard make me a better writer?

Sadly, not in a million bloody years.

It might make me a better reader, though.

I stroked my chin hair again. Dug deeper into the box. And came across a press ad for a Parker pen called the Cirrus.

The headline was: Who said no Englishman can write a love letter?

The ad was written by another copywriting hero of mine. Tony Brignull.

He has won more awards for his copywriting than any other British writer.

As far as I know he doesn't have a beard, either...