Does it Have to Hurt?

Does it Have to Hurt?

By the time most of us have reached middle age, we’ve learned a thing or two about boundaries.

Not only are they necessary for our personal and professional well-being and protection, they also add shape and depth to relationships by providing limits, creating a well-defined (even if invisible) container.

And creating, setting, and holding boundaries can be a challenging endeavor.

Case in point: several months ago I made an absolute hash of setting a boundary with my own sister.?I came on like an angry buffalo raging through a china shop, when a few simple, clear words would have done a perfectly fine job…

And would not have hurt my beloved sibling.

No excuses, by the way.?I was strident, confrontational, and totally out of line.

Last week I was speaking with a friend and colleague who was, for lack of a better way of putting it, recovering from a severe boundary bender.

Without breaking any confidences, they’d been pushed into a corner for the Nth time, and seeing the potential for damage with incredible clarity, stepped in with a level of protective determination they had not previously experienced – or expressed.

Given the history, what they did was precisely what the circumstance called for…

And however necessary, it was also a wildly uncomfortable and yes, painful.

In taking the actions to create the boundary, they found themselves on the unfamiliar side of a familiar fence.?Landing suddenly in unknown territory, without map, compass points, or recognizable landmarks to navigate by was disorienting.

The potential of that kind of disorientation is but one reason people hesitate when it comes to setting boundaries.?After all, even when patterned annoyances (or worse) rear their heads in relationships, they’re familiar and therefore on this side of the known. ?They’re within our comfort zone.

In the case of my friend, staying with the familiar also meant putting up with behaviors that impacted their entire social system.?When the behaviors showed up, they were like rogue waves shaking the family foundation like a temblor – each successive after-shock adding to the damage.

And it hurt.

Because the boundary could not be clearly set without upsetting more than one apple cart, because it led to uncharted territory, it left them with more questions than answers.

We just happened to connect the day after, when the raw residue was still exposed and in need of attention, care, and healing.

Here’s the thing: While we can imagine, even plan, for what comes next in great detail and with wonderful intentions, as soon as those plans involve another human being, all bets are off.?When our actions impact a wider family, community, or organizational system, there’s going to be an exponential increase in complexity…

And without access to a quality time machine, there’s simply no way of knowing what’s really going to be on the other side of declaring a clear boundary.

There is, of course, a lot more to my friend’s story than I’ve shared here – and time and conscious engagement on their part will determine outcomes…

When it comes to setting boundaries, does it have to hurt?

No, certainly not in every case.

On the other hand, the long-term consequences of not creating boundaries, allowing harmful patterns to continue, seems far more predictable – and full of potential for even more hurt.

My friend is one who courageously asks for help, digs in and does their work.?I’m confident that, with time and practice, they’ll stick the landing.

What about you?

What are you facing that might, for the sake of the health of a relationship, your family, or your organization, require setting or updating boundaries?

Vergia Davidson, MA, MSc, CCC, RP

I help leaders keep top performers happy at work ? Lead Mental Health Consultant | Author I Psychotherapist I Workshop Facilitator | Project Manager

2 å¹´

Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing with us.

赞
回复

Ken, this is one of the most touching articles of yours I've read and I thank you for sharing your experience, wisdom and insight. Coincidentally, I am doing a short video on boundary-setting and would love to reference and point people to this article if that's okay with you. You are a vulnerability wizard, my friend! ????????????

Jakob Franzen, MCC

Executive Coach & Business Strategist | Former VP, P&L Owner | Helping High-Caliber Leaders Scale & Decide with Certainty

2 å¹´

What a great read, Ken! It's funny, at this age not a day goes by where I don't think about, if not talk about, boundaries and their benefits. Thank you for sharing this!

赞
回复

要查看或添加评论,请登录

Ken Mossman的更多文章

  • How the IAM Program works

    How the IAM Program works

    A 3-month men’s journey to connection, meaning and fun. REGISTER NOW 14 Transformative Weeks IAM is designed to help…

    5 条评论
  • What inner child work really is

    What inner child work really is

    I am sure you keep hearing about inner child work - and you may not know exactly what it means or where to start. So…

    1 条评论
  • Transforming Manhood: The Journey to Becoming an Integrated Adult Man

    Transforming Manhood: The Journey to Becoming an Integrated Adult Man

    I was asked recently why, back in 2018, I created the men’s program now known as IAM. Without going into every corner…

    2 条评论
  • START doing this… now Here’s who’s running your life

    START doing this… now Here’s who’s running your life

    Ever get a song stuck in your head? Like annoying earworms, we also get ideas stuck in all that cranial space…

  • Me, You, and Dehumanization

    Me, You, and Dehumanization

    To say I have a strong desire for peace is woefully inadequate language for what I’ve been feeling. It’s a painful…

    2 条评论
  • Confessions of a Spiritual Matchmaker

    Confessions of a Spiritual Matchmaker

    One of my favorite things to do is connect good people, folks doing great work in the world, to one another. It brings…

  • A Month and a Mustache

    A Month and a Mustache

    It’s Movember, the once and future month of November, aka Men’s Health Awareness Month. For those new to the change in…

  • Have the Conversation

    Have the Conversation

    In this cultural moment, there’s no shortage of loneliness, deaths-of-despair, confused, porn-addled, and friendless…

  • Mind if I Ask You a Question?

    Mind if I Ask You a Question?

    After staring at the blank canvas that is often the beginning of every piece I write, my eyelids found their way to one…

    4 条评论
  • Reflections from a Volcanic Island

    Reflections from a Volcanic Island

    I flew home from Iceland this past Monday. The place itself is otherworldly in a zillion ways, and the men’s retreat…

    2 条评论

社区洞察

其他会员也浏览了