In these increasingly polarized times, I sometimes find myself engaging in conversations that quickly turn to unproductive verbal sparring matches.? Inevitably, I regret my contribution to the scenario’s incivility, the lack of resulting insight, and the potential damage to the relationship.
I often spend a fair amount of time reflecting on these conversations… contemplating what I could or should have done differently. ?Recognizing that I can only control my own behavior in these situations, I have assembled an admittedly incomplete set of 20 thoughts/questions for consideration.? While this list is not meant to be comprehensive… perhaps you’ll see something here that’s useful.?
- How deliberate am I about “pre-flection” - Taking time before the conversation to consider the desired outcome… and how I will need to “be” for that to occur???
- What assumptions am I bringing into this conversation??
- Am I aware of my predilections and personal biases… and willing to suspend them to the best of my ability so I can more fully consider ideas that I might not otherwise allow myself to entertain?
- Am I entering the conversation with genuine curiosity, a drive to better understand a countervailing perspective, and a willingness to possibly change my mind?
- Am I clearing my head, desk, and hands of distractions - so I can be fully engaged in the conversation. ??
- Am I allowing the content of the conversation to take the dialog where it needs to go… or am I simply making sure that I cover all the points I want heard??
- Am I really listening with the intent of understanding… or just waiting my turn to talk?
- Is this truly a “dialog”… or simply “two monologs competing for airtime”? ?
- What behaviors do I need to start... or stop to make this conversation more productive and civil?
- Is the conversation I’m having in my head interfering with the one I’m supposed to be having with the person I’m talking to? ?
- Am I truly being “present” during the conversation??
- Am I asking questions to genuinely understand a differing or new perspective… or am I playing “gotcha’!” – so I can “win the debate”?
- Is my conversation more like an artful ballroom dance… or a combative boxing match?
- Am I listening for what’s “not” being said? ?On a related note, am I being attentive to non-verbal communication?
- Am I considering the greater context… what’s going on outside of the immediate exchange?
- Am I looking at things through a simplistic, binary, “black and white” lens…. or am I considering the potential complexity… and the many “shades of grey” that may exist with respect to the issue?
- Am I testing for understanding (both their's and mine?)?
- Am I allowing the other person to fully express themselves without interrupting?
- Am I allowing for silence… time to foster deeper thought and reflection??
- Am I "Adulting" - Approaching the conversation with kindness and grace... and treating the other person with respect?
- (Bonus Question: Am I aware of my "triggers"... and what plans will I make for how I'll choose to react when one occurs?)
I find that I fail miserably when I'm not deliberate about these questions and behaviors.
When I am, I learn so much more about others, the topic at hand, and about myself.
What would you add to this list?
I.M. Product Design LLC. (Owner)
1 年Am I truly willing to be open and honest while being willing to give something of myself for a better outcome? Tony, as always, thank you for the insights and help to achieve better outcomes.
Literacy Through Music -&- English as a New Language
1 年Love this
Retired
1 年Power inequities play a part in many of these conversations, I would gently add and observe. Marginalized populations including those who are gender variant, people of color, undocumented residents, and housing insecure or homeless individuals are often engaged with hostility regardless of how they may engage. Put another way there are public officials who see their political support increase by attacking those mentioned, as well as many current religious leaders, neighbors, and even some business leaders in the community. There are no options to engage civilly, or walk away, as walking away may only yield more violence and persecution. History and the daily news have plenty of examples, sadly. The point is that there is an importance in maybe observing that a large segment, maybe not a majority (yet), is incentivized to be hostile to certain populations. For those populations in the crosshairs, engagement options (or avoidance) are frequently narrow and limited. I can ask myself the 20 questions, but I as a transgender person have people who want to attack me for their own gain before we even have a dialogue, and walking away is not an option...just as leaving the lunch counter was not an option for the people of color in 1963.
Engineering Leader - Multi Industry Experience
1 年One issue with conversations is now an assumption of ill intent. It could very well be a result of greater use of tech versus person to person interaction. Passions to “get it right” are different than needing “to be right”. Any conversation can be correctly OR incorrectly interpreted as one of those. The only way to get around it is to develop trust within and among teams. When trust is formed, people get through the tougher conversations and feel good knowing that being right is far less important than properly challenging one another to get it right. Let folks know you respect their ideas especially when they differ with yours.
Human Resources at Van Horn Automotive Group
1 年Because I feel like most of my career has consisted of verbal sparring, (lol but true), I find myself in that mindset a lot. If I go into a conversation mindful of this, the conversation is much more meaningful, and I usually learn something. ??