Do Your Co-Workers Have “Your Back?” What To Do If They Don’t.

My First Encounter With Sabotage at Work

When I was fresh out of nursing school, I worked with a nursing assistant who bluntly refused to help me during an emergency: I was in the process of infusing blood to a very sick child when he developed an “allergic reaction” to it. This is a true emergency that must be dealt with quickly and definitely. I asked the nursing assistant to run to the pharmacy while I stayed with the patient, monitoring his vital signs and administering fluids.

She refused. She sat on her chair and bluntly told me it wasn’t her job, she didn’t get paid the big bucks, hadn’t gone to a fancy school and simply wasn’t going to help.

Throughout my patient care days, there were many more times nurses, nurse managers, and even doctors would put their own interests above the patients.

When I moved over to management I realized that sabotage takes a different and more subtle form: co-workers rolling their eyes during presentations, they “forget” to share credit for collaboratively produced work, they push their mistakes onto others, or they exclude others from important meetings.  (And for women, an additional one is when a male colleague or boss stands over a sitting female colleague with the intention of physically dominating the space and conversation….this exact example was just shared with me last week.)

My Co-Workers Have My Back

In my current career I work with people who I trust and have “my back.” And I have theirs—we collectively make sure work products are free from errors; we alert each other if there are changes in management that might affect us; we give each other council and advice for how to succeed in our positions.   

Being Undermined is Common

Turns out it’s rare to feel supported at work, surrounded by people “who have your back.” Studies (including the ones I’ve done) show that between 40%-85% of us have felt undermined or sabotaged at work and the majority of us routinely feel this way. 

And reports of incivility and toxicity are on the rise, even though incivility has been cited by many researchers as the reason organizations under-perform.

So What Do You Do if You Are Being Undermined?

Below are some tips and advice that I’ve developed over the years and are immediately “do-able” if you are being harassed or subtly undermined by someone.

1.      Talk directly to the person. This is a tough one because direct conversation or confrontation can be hard to do, either because the person is not receptive or you are uncomfortable approaching the person. While this is difficult to do, it is the most honest, dignified and “adult” thing to do. Additionally, it keeps management out of the mix.

2.      Be better than them. Decide that you are going to rise above the issue or the person. This approach is a mix of ignoring those who are not supportive and trying to be “above the fray.” While it is not always possible to ignore certain people (because of the realities of work), you can choose to be more dignified than them.

3.      Bring trust and support to everyone—even them. A third approach is to show them what they are missing by not having you as an ally. You do this by helping everyone—and even them. You become known as the helpful and supportive colleague. With this approach, you are building a coalition of co-workers who support you. Additionally, your job and workplace becomes better over the long haul.

4.      Try to talk with them even if it’s scary. This is a repeat of #1 because I think this is the best course of action (if it is possible). To help make this happen, I’ve put together proven tips to having a positive conversation:

a.      Ask permission to have the conversation. When you ask someone to talk about an issue, make sure they agree to have the conversation and then go to a quiet corner or room to have the talk.

b.     Put yourself on equal footing with the other person. Try using statements like “It is important that we talk about XX because”...or, “This is why XX issue is important to me.” Or, “Can you understand why I might be concerned by XX?”

c.      Try to empathize with the other person. This can be difficult but before you talk with the “offending” person try to think about what their perception of you/the situation might be; try to imagine what their job is like and why it might be hard or different from your own.

d.     Indicate your willingness to try to find a resolution to the issue at hand. This is when you actually state “I’d like to find a way to find a way to deal with XX or to find a way to stay out of each other’s work…”

e.     Use “I and me” statements rather than “you” statements. This tactic reduces the feeling that you are trying to “blame” the other person. While this seems very 1970’s, it works. Examples include “This bothers me because”….or, “This is what I heard—is this what you meant?”

Sometimes You Have To Bring In Management

Ultimately though, if the person is bringing real harm to you, or if they are sexually or racially or physically harassing you, involve Human Resources or a union representative. If someone’s action or lack of action puts a patient (or the organization’s mission/reputation) at risk, then bring in management. Sometimes it must be done. Somethings are just too important and are no longer about “you” or “you and him/her” but become about the patient, the organization, personal safety.

Hold Yourself To A High Standard

Make sure that, at the end of the day, you can say to yourself that you acted ethically and in the best interest of the patient or the mission, or you stood-up for a Larger Right. You are more than your job. And since you take yourself everywhere you go, you must represent yourself, your beliefs and your values honestly. Living your values is what undercuts incivility.

About the author: Recognized by LinkedIn as a "Top Voice" in Health Care in 2015 & 2016, author Julie Kliger is passionate about improving health care. She is a consultant, author and speaker. She specializes in healthcare quality, organizational change and improvement.