"Do your children have a safe harbour to return to when things get stormy?" by Dr Kathryn Peckham
There are times in all our lives when we need that little bit of extra support. When things feel a little too tough to handle by ourselves we all need a safe place to return to. But for a child who may not have been with you for very long or who is not used to feeling this way, does your “Safe Space Policy” ensure they know how to find you before they begin to struggle?
Many things can cause children’s emotions to spike including conflicts with their friends, difficult experiences in the nursery environment, issues at home or even an impending illness or sleep disruption. In fact, studies show that about 2.5% of children at any time are feeling some level of sadness. But whilst children’s feelings need careful monitoring, should you seek to remove anxiety altogether?
Anxiety refers to feeling worried, nervous or uneasy about something whose outcome we are uncertain of. But life is unpredictable and full of uncertainties as we face every kind of experience. Learning to cope with anxiety means learning to manage this uncertainty and move forward with courage despite our fears. So rather than seeking to eliminate anxiety, we need to support our children’s feelings as we teach them how to recognise their emotions, to manage their anxieties and to have faith in their abilities to do so.
But before a child can begin to manage themselves through difficult times of uncertainty, they need to have established a sense of security within all their environments. And this starts with secure attachments to the caring adults around them. When this fundamental component of early years safety is in place, children’s well-being can flourish as they feel able to take risks and handle life’s unpredictability’s, knowing you are there to catch them if they fall.
Every time you connect with children’s thoughts and emotions you are forging the links that allow these deep-rooted attachments to occur. This will not be the same for every child – nor indeed, for every day. You will then need a varied tool kit at your disposal. But through non-demanding exchanges, you are laying the groundwork that is so important to a child. Establishing a sense of security, as well as offering a safe harbour for them to return to whenever things get tough.
Research at Boston University showed that connecting with an anxious child in an attentive, but non demanding way for just five minutes a day had a profound impact. Simply gather a few non-competitive toys such as crayons, dolls or building blocks and play together. As you do so, keep all your attention on them, rather than other conversations or distractions. Avoid asking questions, correcting or giving instruction as you allow the child to direct. It is important that they experience this time without tension or worry, as you create a warm and relaxed atmosphere around them.
With these ‘safe space guidelines’ in place, you can help children manage their anxieties before they become a crisis. With your strong attachment, you will become aware of the patterns of your children’s thoughts and emotions, ready to respond to any changes that suggest things are becoming more difficult. And ready to act, with the support and guidance they have learnt to trust in.
Known in psychology as social referencing, children look to a person they trust to take their cues, secure in the knowledge that you are there for them and ready to catch them if they stumble. These memories of spending safe time together and connecting establishes you as someone they can trust. Without this, a child can feel like they are facing their fears or more difficult times alone. This is especially important for anxious children who may feel this way a lot of the time and lays the groundwork for when things become particularly bad.
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Without it, an anxious child may simply learn to avoid anything connected to their anxieties. While this may offer some immediate and temporary relief, it can see anxiety in these areas grow. Instead, connect with your children as you help them manage and move past their fears with compassion and gentle encouragement throughout the nursery environment.
For example, when a child sees a spider, they will look to you to see how you respond, learning from your reaction. If you are relaxed, they are more likely to be. If you react with an increased set of emotions, their anxiety around spiders will likely grow in preparation for the next time they encounter an eight-legged friend. Especially if anxiety is becoming a default reaction. You don’t need to avoid your own anxiety, look to deny it or even look to belittle its power. Instead, help each other to be brave together, doing something even though you may be afraid of it.
If you feel nervous around spiders, use this as an opportunity to face your fears together. Talk about what it is you don’t like, explore with them how sometimes our fears may be irrational – you know the spider can’t hurt you, but you feel frightened anyway. And help them to see that there may be things they feel braver about than you do, helping their confidence to grow.
Through these exchanges, get to know your children so you can be ready to recognise when things are becoming too much for them to handle. Take the time to really connect and build the safe harbours they know they can always return to. Increased or prolonged anxiety can be dangerous and needs resolving. So, if you are ever worried, then it is probably something to be worried about. And if you are working with a child who seems to have been struggling for what seems like weeks, it may be time to consider professional intervention. Especially if you feel like prolonged periods of difficult emotions have come on suddenly, or without any obvious explanations.
Next time, as we continue our reflections of ‘the happy child’, we will look at supporting children through difficult processes of social connections. But in the meantime, bring focus back to nurturing all of children’s growth and development with a Nurturing Childhoods Accreditation. Whether you are looking for a setting wide approach to reflective practice and active CPD or a more personalised approach with the Nurturing Childhoods Practitioner Accreditation, gain recognition for the nurturing practice you deliver. Through 12 online sessions throughout the year join me and hundreds of nurturing practitioners as together we really begin developing the potential of all children in their early years.