Do You Want To Be Right, Or Do You Want The Best Outcome?
Dan Everett
The Techno Optimist - Let’s Create A Better World Using Technology The DataIQ 100 USA 2024
Think about a time when someone made a statement that you thought was wrong, and you immediately started telling them why they were wrong. Mostly likely they became defensive because the brain interprets being wrong as a threat. The other person probably amped up their efforts to defend their position and started discrediting your point of view.?
Did you get a good outcome? Or did it spiral out of control into a back-and-forth struggle to prove who is right, leaving both parties feeling angry and frustrated??
When we're focused on being right, we don’t listen with the intent to truly understand the other person's perspective. Our mental frame of reference creates something known as anchoring bias , where the brain tends to limit evaluation and decision making based on an anchoring point of view. In this case the brain filters information and its interpretation based on our objective of “Being Right”.
?
The following are some tips you can use to improve communication with others when you’re feeling like you’re right, and they’re wrong.?
1)????? Ask yourself, "Do I want to be right, or do I want the best outcome?"
By pausing to consider this question, you give yourself a chance to step back, calm any emotional reactions, and reorient yourself to the goal of the conversation. Resist the urge to immediately respond, let them finish their thought so you can better understand why they hold a particular point of view. If there is a point you want to follow up on jot down a word or brief bullet to reference when they are done.
Listening to understand doesn’t mean you have to agree with the other person. Try to stay open to their point of view and avoid criticism and defensiveness. And ask open ended questions that encourage others to elaborate on their feelings and experiences and provide more insight into why they feel the way they do. This helps build trust, reduce reactivity, and improve outcomes from conversations.
??
2)????? Don’t assume shared meaning.
Every brain is uniquely wired based on our individual experiences, which can result in different interpretations of the same information. In conversations, it's essential to avoid assuming that the meanings of terms or concepts are universally understood. What might seem clear and straightforward to you could be interpreted differently by someone else.
Try to choose words and phrases that have clear definitions and meanings. Or provide your definition and specific examples. It’s also helpful to avoid jargon to ensure the intended message is understood accurately. Try to use straightforward language that is easily understood regardless of someone’s background or expertise.
3)????? Summarize and paraphrase.
Summarizing and paraphrasing contribute to clearer communication, shared understanding, and improved relationships by ensuring that both parties are on the same page and actively engaged in the dialogue. When we restate what we think we heard in our own words, it shows we are actively listening and processing what was said. It also provides the opportunity to address any misunderstandings or clarify points that may be unclear during the conversation.?
Taking the time to summarize or paraphrase helps defuse reactivity and creates more openness in the conversation. It shows that you are willing to invest effort in understanding the other person’s perspective which encourages further engagement, critical thinking, and a willingness to brainstorm about other points of view. When we rephrase information in our own words, it also reinforces our understanding and recall of important points after the conversation.
Listening to understand doesn’t mean you have to agree with the other person. And just because you’re right doesn't mean the other person is wrong. Effective communication is a collaborative process that requires active listening, asking open-ended questions, summarizing or paraphrasing, and being open to feedback and clarification.
If you like this article, subscribe to my newsletter, and ring the ?? on my profile
Data is the new Digital - Transformation h?rt nie auf!
5 个月Dear Dan Everett ?a la point“ ??Information is so much more than words and data and they always have a Producer and a customer. Just love your limmeric and tend to read it again and again!
If you don’t already do the kind of listening that Dan prescribes (focus on the speaker, not your counter-arguments, summarize/check before you present yours), try it for a week and it might change your life. It works at home and at work. You don’t realize how wired your brain is to “assembling your counter-argument” until you intentionally stop that process. Even if you’re the boss (PM controlling roadmap, boss who could direct a report, parent who could say “because I said so”), the other person feeling heard matters. Feeling like “you didn’t take my advice because you didn’t even take the time to understand it” is frustrating, and builds resentment over time. I’ve seen presales team in near “open revolt” with product managers, NOT because Feature X won’t be delivered tomorrow, but because they feel ignored or dismissed rather than heard. “You don’t have to implement this feature, but you need to understand why these customers want it,” is a reasonable ask, and the only way to prove that you get it is to “play it back” rather than dispute it from the start. Listening matters, even if the outcome is known before the first word is spoken. Thanks Dan! Shout out to Terry Gault who patiently/expertly helped me develop this.
I understand.