Do You Trust You?

I recently read Trust: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken, by Dr. Henry Cloud, and I can’t stop thinking (or talking) about it! The book offers a great game plan for figuring out when to trust others, but in this month’s Straight Talk, I’d like to put you and me under the trust microscope. We’ll begin with the five essentials of trust, put them all together, and provide you some FREE coaching questions you can think through or use as journal prompts. Ready? Let's go!

The five essentials of trust are understanding, motivation, ability, character, and track record.? If you like mnemonics, try UM-ACT or remember to (UM) think before you ACT.

Understanding

In Trust, Dr. Cloud tells a story of a psychologist friend who was single parenting a six-year-old daughter while his wife was away. He told his daughter to get ready for school. She didn't. He yelled at her to get ready. She cried and turned away. Frustrated as a parent, but remembering his day job, he asked himself what he'd do if she were a patient. He went to her, made eye contact, and asked if she missed her mom. Her response? She fell into his arms, cried, sobbed, and (shortly after), told him they had to hurry to get her to school.

I haven’t had that level of tantrum success yet, but I’m glad such stories exist in the parenting world.? I guess we all need therapist parents, including the children I’m equipping with frustrated parent experiences to share with their future therapists.? But seriously, the frustrated parent role struck me for more reasons than my parenting failures. It reminded me of how we treat our bodies and minds.

We tell our tired bodies and our foggy minds to wake up and get going, in my frustrated parent tribe. When they protest, we yell at them (before bribing them with caffeine and sugar). There's no time to let the drama unfold like the therapist did, no time to understand what they’re feeling or not feeling, no time to answer why with honesty. It doesn't matter what's going on within our bodies and minds. We just need them to fulfill the ever-escalating, never-ending, results envisioned or expected of us. Sadly, despite our exhausting actions and extensive activities, progress, arrival, and contentment seem to escape us.

Dr. Cloud states that we cannot and do not trust someone who does not understand us. That makes me wonder how trustworthy we are with our bodies and minds when we operate from a frustrated parent state. But understanding ourselves is more than a do-you-hear-what-I-hear experience because understanding is more than just listening. It's permission to meet ourselves where we are with integrity.? It’s the courage to look at ourselves in the mirror, the empathy to love what we see (even while we’re working on it), and the wisdom to feel, be, and heal. After all, until we make the space to understand ourselves, no amount of gentle probing, screamed commands, or coerced submission will make us trustworthy of ourselves. Why does it matter? It matters because if we don't understand ourselves, we cannot trust ourselves to care for ourselves well or to choose personal and professional relationships that honor us.

Motivation

“Real trust is built not only through understanding but making sure the other party's motive is right, meaning that they are for your good.” ~Henry Cloud

Having grown up in war, I often say that two types of people survive wars -- those who prioritize fun and those who prioritize achievements. The former think life’s too short to not prioritize enjoyment over the boring stuff. The latter think life's too short to not prove survival wasn't a mistake. For years, I lived my life prioritizing my achievements. Even when I did understand myself, my motivation to accomplish was far greater than my motivation to love myself.

“True love has the motive and intent of first doing no harm…” ~Henry Cloud

In the insatiable quest to make a name, build a legacy, I was living to die more than I was working to live. Friend, I hope you're not like me in this way. I hope you're wise enough to do the right things, for the right reasons, and in ways that love and do not harm you. No matter where you are, it never hurts to examine your motives for doing what you're doing and being who you are. Such an examination is critical for determining whether you're a trustworthy person.

Ability

“Understanding and motive must be supported by ability.” ~Henry Cloud

I was the worst teller.? I once gave a customer $1,000 extra dollars and even a bank robber I offered to serve refused my service (facts, no lie). It’s been years since my banking days, but I will never forget the sinking feeling in my stomach each time I counted my drawer and hoped it balanced.? I could do many things well in Retail Banking but being a great teller was not one of them.? To this day, I have the utmost respect for bankers who excel in that area. I promise you it's harder than it looks.

There are things in our lives that we are good at and we can trust ourselves to do well, but there are also things in our lives we are not as good at and we should not trust ourselves to do at all.? Being truthful about our abilities empowers us to proceed with less help in the areas of our strengths and proceed with caution in the areas of our limits. Moving with caution may be as simple as slowing down and double checking ourselves, seeking wise counsel from those more experienced in the areas we are weak, or getting friends to assist or hold us accountable for our actions. Being trustworthy, then, requires us to be honest with ourselves about our abilities.

Character

“There are many people who would not lie, cheat, or steal, but we would be in error to trust them in many arenas of life because of the rest of their personal makeup. You've probably had bosses, friends, or even family members who would not lie, cheat, or steal -- but given another chance to work with them closely, you would certainly pass.” ~Henry Cloud

We can't trust folks who lie, cheat, or steal, even if we're the folks. But someone isn't trustworthy just because they don't lie, steal, or cheat either.? When evaluating trustworthiness, Dr. Cloud warns is to watch out for the absence of positive character traits (e.g., virtue, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, kindness) and the presence of negative character traits (e.g. defensiveness, anger, narcissism, drama and emotional instability, control, neediness and dependency, irresponsibility, codependency, gossip or divisive behavior).

At best, most of us are honest people living with some untrue limiting beliefs that cheat and rob us. Yet I know there's room for reflection here, based on my experience as someone who coaches and is coached. Remember we don't have to be trustworthy in everything, only the specific thing(s) we entrust ourselves with. Wherever you are on your journey, I recommend establishing a team of counselors and coaches, advisors and advocates, family and friends, to help you identify your character blind spots.? And once we know our character blind spots, we cannot trust ourselves in those areas (until further notice).

Track Record

“When we trust someone, we place ourselves in a vulnerable position, depending on someone to behave or perform in a certain way. And by definition, if they don't, we will get hurt in some way -- emotionally, relationally, financially, or even physically. If we don't know if they are able to come through for our vulnerability, or especially if they have never done it before, we are rolling the dice.” ~Henry Cloud

We've all heard that future behaviors are best predicted by past behaviors. Yet knowing this doesn't stop us from making a new year’s resolution (although, if you're like me, maybe it should).? Dr. Townsend stresses the difference between choosing to be different and becoming different, “unless something has drastically changed to build new abilities, [I am] the same person, with the same level of abilities or traits, who failed the last time.” Ouch. He continues.

“People can change but not without a process that both creates the change and displays the new abilities. But to trust someone who has a track record of not being trustworthy just because they promise to do better is not smart…People can grow and change, but the only way we know they can deliver on these things is for them to prove it. We need objective reasons to have hope and trust.”?~Henry Cloud

As Brian Tracey puts it, many of us live in a fantasy place called “Someday Isle,” where we always say, “Someday I'll do it.” If we're honest, we have some dreams we cannot trust ourselves to accomplish with our current track record or our permanent residency on Someday Isle. And it wouldn't be wise to trust ourselves to realize those dreams without a change-creating process that builds and displays our new abilities.

Putting it all together

Before we can expect the world to understand us, we must do the work of understanding ourselves. Before we can expect others to have good motives towards us, we must have good motives for ourselves. Before we can expect the world to act right by us, we must be honest about our abilities, characters, and track records.

“Life is an echo. What you send out, comes back. What you sow, you reap.” - Zig Ziglar

This is hard. I know. So can we agree on a few things? Trusting ourselves is not an either-or proposition, but a both-and one. We are both trustworthy and untrustworthy in different areas and seasons of our lives. But there's not only precious safety in knowing when we can trust ourselves and when we cannot, there's also empowered freedom in knowing we don't have to be all things to ourselves. Until next time, live fully and thoughtfully.

Deep Dive - Coaching Questions

1. How would understanding you affect your life?
2. In what ways are your motives doing no harm?
3. How are you meeting needs you don't have the ability to meet?
4. What character traits do you credit for your success to date?
5. What process could you implement to change a track record pattern?