Do you think manipulation is your secret super power? Think again!

Do you think manipulation is your secret super power? Think again! Here’s the truth. (Personal story)

I come from a history of manipulating people into giving me what I need. I would attribute a lot of things in my life and career to knowing what to say, share, do and not to. A strategic pause to gain power, a compliment to bond, a smart comment to receive trust, a few tears to create sympathy. And in some cases it did work: I created the image I wanted, built the relationships I needed, got to where I wanted. But I never looked at the price I was paying. It’s the way we do business. It’s winning at playing the game.

It was in therapy that I was first confronted with my behavior of manipulation. I was surprised why my therapist wasn’t impressed with my level of abilities - yet seemed to consider it a form of self harm. Through uncovering the layers of my manipulation I realized that the root of manipulation is not strength, it’s a deep sense of insecurity. It’s learning in childhood that our needs aren’t important enough to be met. So in order to have them met, we need to “make others” need the same thing we do.

Short term manipulation might get us what we need, mid- term it is exhausting and makes us feel even more lonely and insecure. Because none of these connections or successes ever feel real. In my own process, I needed the courage to face this part within myself and the vulnerable wounds underneath.

The more I unpacked, the more I was able to see the connections I had built in my life based on these parts, which wasn’t always easy. Yet also, the more I started to see the relationships that didn’t need my manipulation, because they were built on love. The first time I felt this, I realized that the manipulation wasn’t a superpower, it’s taking away my power.

My true superpower is that I can build relationships based on mutual respect, self responsibility and courageously sharing needs and boundaries. This not only brought more ease and trust into my life, but also new relationships which feel authentic and real. I feel more connected to myself and others now.

It still touches me to this day when my clients realize for the first time that a certain relationship never required manipulation. The moment they feel their own true super power. Being themselves and connecting in courage.

May this story offer you the courage to authentically connect with yourself and the world around you, whenever you’re ready.

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