Do you suffer from comparisonitis?
The phenomenon of compare and despair is prevalent among attorneys, and it starts before we even enter law school.
When I was a kid, I compared myself to all the other girls who didn’t wear glasses. Or the ones who got to have Guess Jeans.?
I compared myself to my older brother, who I thought did everything better than me.
Later on, I compared myself to the kids who made better grades or had nicer cars.
And, as an attorney, I compare my practice and my income level to other lawyers.
I recently posted an Instagram story about how someone called collections law a garbage practice area. It’s always felt that way to me. When people ask me what area I practiced in, I always prettied it up by saying creditors’ rights. Saying I’m a collections lawyer feels so much less prestigious when talking to people who do will and estates or personal injury.
And, then I look at my income level versus theirs, and I feel even worse.
When we compare ourselves to other people it makes us feel like we’re not good enough.
Here’s the question I always ask -?
Who gets to decide whether you’re good enough?
Why We Compare
Our desire to compare ourselves to other people evolved from a basic need to fit in with the tribe.
At one time, it was crucial to our survival because if we didn’t operate the same way, we got left behind.?
Even though that’s not the case anymore, we still operate that way by instinct.
The way we focus on having material objects doesn’t help things.
We think that if we can just have that job, lose the weight, or get to travel more we’ll feel better.
And, look, I know I’m coming from a place of privilege in writing this. There’s a certain amount peace of mind that comes with having money, but at what point do we stop wanting more?
If you think that achieving more, having more, doing more is going to make you stop feeling inadequate, I have some news for you.
Your emotional wellbeing does not come from the amount of stuff you have.
Your self esteem doesn’t come from the external.
You can have the biggest house, the tiniest wasteline, and the fattest bank account and still feel overwhelmed.
How to Stop Comparing
Here are three things that will help you, and they all come from inside.
I give you permission to go down that rabbit hole.
What is the absolute worst thing that could happen if you don’t have X, Y, or Z?
Will you lose your house? Will you get a divorce? Will you get really sick?
Or, will you feel like crap?
Most of us avoid building this level of awareness because we don’t want to admit to ourselves that the worst thing that can happen is that we feel something.
Because lawyers don’t like to talk about feelings. We talk about facts.
Here’s a little tough love: You’ll never be the best at what you do if you never deal with your feelings and acknowledge that feeling them won’t actually hurt you.
2. Trust yourself
When I was a kid, comparing myself to my brother, I thought he knew so much more about everything than I did, so I tried to follow in his footsteps. I read the books he did, spent time in his room, listened to the music he listened to.
I thought if I did it his way, that would work for me too, and of course that wasn’t true.
I’d love to tell you I learned to listen to myself early on, but I didn’t start really trusting myself until about 5 years ago.
I’m not saying you can’t ever ask for advice. Please do. You’re not the expert on everything, as you’re probably well aware. But, I am saying that if you give yourself the space to listen to your own knowledge, you might be onto something.
I used to have a yoga teacher that said, “You’re stronger than you think you are.”
You’re wiser than you think you are.
3. Have your own back
We make mistakes, and sometimes we fail.
The challenge is not to beat ourselves up over it.
I recently talked to another attorney who said they take all their losses personally. So much so that their family bears the brunt of it.?
All that person can think about is his losses, which makes him feel despondent.
It’s hard to enjoy your life if that’s the way you feel every time you get knocked down.
Instead of letting your losses define you and ruin your day, you can decide how you’re going to feel ahead of time.?
You can decide that you’re going to be disappointed, but you’re not going to let it mess up your life. You can choose to process the feeling in a way that doesn’t lead to something long term.
What Now?
Let’s challenge the notion that external achievements hold the key to our self-worth.?
The pursuit of more, be it in career success, material possessions, or societal standards, won't inherently fill the void.?
Instead, I invite you to look inward.?
Embrace the worst-case scenario, acknowledging that feelings won't break us, and grant yourself the space to trust your instincts.?
Remember, you are stronger and wiser than you give yourself credit for.?
And, finally, have your own back; mistakes and failures are inevitable, but they don’t define you.?
Choose resilience over despondency, deciding in advance how you'll navigate setbacks without letting them cast a shadow over your life.?
By embracing these internal shifts, we can break free from the shackles of comparisonitis, fostering a healthier and more compassionate relationship with ourselves.