Do you "Should" on Yourself or Others?

The 3C's of good, bad, and ugly communication

by Doni Landefeld, Ph.D.

April 2021

Your presentation didn't go as well as you'd like and you didn't land the big contract. While discussing with your boss, she says, "You should have engaged more with the decision-makers and turned on the charm. Maybe she's right, but does this statement motivate you in a good way? Or are you coming from a place of fear or resentment that doing anything other than what your boss recommends will put your job in jeopardy?

You're working really hard on watching what you eat and having steady success and your spouse, who is also working to eat more healthfully says, "You should only eat lean proteins and green veggies." Are you motivated to follow this advice? Whose values matter more?

Well, it's tricky and in both examples, the outcome would have been more favorable had the boss or spouse considered their choice of words. There are some words that are so limiting and demotivating in their impact that it is best to use them sparingly. Should is one of those words. It imposes your values upon someone else, puts the receiving party on the defensive and then shutdown results. The opposite effect of what was intended will likely happen. Good 'ole Maslow's hierarchy of needs applies as one of the most basic needs of safety is violated. Yes, the need is not just physical safety... it includes emotional and psychological safety too.

As a quick cheat sheet, there are 3 no-no's to stay away from when it comes to communicating effectively. I call them the dangerous 3C's - these are the bad and ugly:

Complaining - Debbie or Daniel Downer is the avatar here. Don't you just feel drained when you're around someone who complains a lot? Uh, yah! And there's a ripple effect of this negativity because our brains are pre-wired to assimilate to others we're around. So if you're around a complainer for too long, guess what you'll start doing more!

Criticizing - intolerance and judging too much is another drain and a toxic element in communication. Yes, being critical has its place from time to time and is necessary. The key is applying a ratio of balanced positive to negative chunks of information. At work, a ratio of 3:1 (75% positive) is recommended and at home, a ratio of 5:1 is the average recommendation. Why the difference? We place a higher value on those we love and care about and expect better, so it takes longer to bounce back from negative remarks made by our more personal relations.

Condemning - not much good ever comes out of this (unless it's putting a sign on a dilapidated building) and unfortunately it happens all the time in interactions at work and home. Ever tell someone their idea won't work? This is shutting down ideas, possibility, and their overall motivation. When you shoot down someone else's motivation by condemning an idea or desire, the stage is set for resentment and much worse if it continues.

So what's the better way to communicate?   

There's another batch of 3C's that will help you create better harmony in your relationships, by incorporating the following into your communications - these are the good:

Careful - Do you give a little thought before you speak? Pausing to more deeply understand another person's perspective will go a long way in forging the empathy required to connect and understand. It might be necessary to ask some questions. Learn more before responding. Get curious.

Consideration - Next, craft a response that incorporates what is important to the other person or people. To be considerate of others requires careful probing to get more information. Most people will remain stuck or harbor resentment unless their thoughts and feelings are heard. Being considerate is crucial. Stephen Covey said it best - "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." To be considerate, it is also necessary to be careful.

Comprehensive - Finally, breakdowns occur when we don't communicate enough and usually it's better to over-communicate than to under-communicate. Additionally, not everyone has the same learning style, so some will respond better to written communication, while others prefer verbal forms. Using a combination of both is best and then repeat, repeat, repeat! To be thorough and comprehensive is to anticipate that someone will forget or someone wasn't paying attention the first time. Anticipate how others may fail to understand your message, then go to lengths to incorporate different forms of verbal and written communication.

It's helpful to understand the 3C's of good, bad, and ugly communicating and always strive toward the good, latter three. Half the battle is taking the time before blurting out a response. This is where many fall into the trap. Additionally, be careful about your choice of words and reduce those that are limiting and demotivating. Instead of "should," is this something that you could try?

Need some more help? 

Empathy is one of our favorite Emotional Intelligence skills to enhance your communications. 

Let's set-up a time to bounce some ideas around and get you on a better trajectory on how you communicate.  Click on the link in the comments section to schedule your complimentary strategy session.