Do You Really Share Who You Are At Work? It's Worth Considering.

While many of us are working from home these days, I vividly recall the sound of my heels clicking on the old Boston sidewalk as I commuted to my first day of work at my dream job post-graduation. It made me feel a little like a kid playing dress-up. I knew I had dressed the part—gray suit, white blouse, smart heels, feminine briefcase (but definitely not a backpack - that’s what kids use).

Hell, I’d gotten input from my grandparents and parents in selecting just the right outfit to make a great first impression. “I want them to take me seriously,” I’d told my parents as I was trying on different outfits the day before. “I feel like I talked my way into this position and I have to prove I should be here…”?

I’d spend the next four years trying to prove that I’d deserved the shot they gave me on Day One. As reflected by my reviews and steady advancement, I was good at that job and proved myself to be a valuable asset and a real professional. However, it took a long time to realize that the approach I was taking to “professionalism” was really a barrier that made me feel like an outsider and limited my relationships with my colleagues and personal happiness in the job.?

I’d long ago come to believe that in order to be successful, others must perceive me in a certain way. I thought I needed to have a certain polish. I believed that the personal should be kept separate from one’s professional persona.

Early in my career, I built a strong connection between those beliefs and dressing daily in what felt like my protective, professional suit of armor. I’d put on my professional attire (always a suit) and head into work with what I thought was the appropriate look of a professional. To be clear, I was never dishonest. I didn’t pretend to be someone else or lie about who I was. I just didn’t bring most of myself to my interactions and relationships at work.?

Hanging onto those beliefs limited my ability to develop deep relationships with colleagues and clients. I couldn’t figure out why I felt like an outsider. The places where I did build lasting relationships with colleagues and clients were the times when I showed up more fully and allowed the armor to fade away. I'm deeply grateful to this day for the people who invited me to really connect with them.

?Why is this important? We all share pieces of ourselves depending upon the situation. We know that it’s not appropriate to go full “tailgate rant” about our favorite sports teams, or deep dive our love of Pitch Perfect or Harry Potter in the office. We know that healthy boundaries and respect for the interests and comfort levels of those around us is important.

Lately, there are many articles and podcasts about “bringing your whole self to work”—both the good and the bad. However, I believe that it’s a more nuanced issue than the current conversation would lead us to believe. I’ve spoken with enough professionals to learn that this is an issue that many people struggle with. Sometimes the first step is realizing we are not alone in our struggle.??

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At 28, could I have built a better rapport or connection with the guys I worked with in a large global shipping organization if I had truly cared about sports? Or, if I remembered the differences between the many types of planes by sight? (I really did try.)??

Would they have been less likely to invite me to Happy Hour if I had shared my love of the Hunger Games novels at the time? If I had offered them something to joke about, would we have built a stronger relationship based on the sometimes not-so-gentle mocking that was a part of their culture?

I have no idea. We can’t go backwards. I can say that sharing a 5K with the group brought us closer. However, we had to trust each other enough to share our personal goals before we ever considered a shared goal.? While I have both fraught and fond memories of that project, the 5K has stayed with me.?

?Why does it matter? Why not just go to work, do your job, and leave it at that? There are many? answers to that, here are a few that I’ve found to be meaningful.

1. Internal Disconnection

Have you ever found yourself in the midst of a work conversation and heard one thing come out of your mouth only to realize that another part of you feels very differently about it? It’s an awful feeling. I’ve had it more than once over the years. It generally brings me up short, as I realize I’m out of touch. I’ve forgotten — or intentionally chosen not - to bring all of myself to the table.?

When we internally make the decision to wall ourselves off in order to show up at work as only the polished professional, we lose connection with parts of ourselves for a time. Doing this everyday creates a pattern that we eventually fall into unconsciously. Patterns of this nature rarely serve us well in the long run.?

2.? ? ? ? ? ? Connection

We build trust and relationships with others through shared experiences, common interests and shared commitments over time. When we hold back much of who we are in our interactions, it leaves a shallow pool from which to build these relationships.?

Not everyone you work with will become your friend. But, getting to know what you share in common with your colleagues and where and how you can rely on them will go a long way toward developing trusting relationships. We know that these relationships often establish a solid foundation on which strong and successful teams are built.?

But, in order to build those relationships, we first have to make ourselves available to them. Not as we want to be perceived, but as we are.?

3.? ? ? ? ? ? Strong team. Strong results.

Strong teams are more likely to deliver strong results. We have decades of data and studies in the Human Resources, Organizational Development, Sports Management fields telling us that the best teams are made up of people with complementary skills who develop trusting relationships with one another.?

When you work with people you trust, you’re more likely to bring forward:

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· ? ? ? ? the problems you’re facing in order to find a solution together

· ? ? ? ? the ideas you’ve dreamed up to bring to fruition through shared effort

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If you trust the members of your project team to make it happen with you, instead of stealing it from you or blaming you for something gone wrong, the possibilities of what you can build and create together are endless.?

4.? ? ? ? ? ? Permission & Space

When people in leadership positions show up more fully, we give others permission to do the same.

Most people want permission to be more fully themselves. They want to be seen as more than just their job, their role, their credentials. When we see people in leadership positions leading with their hearts, and we see the response from our organizations as supportive of these individuals, we learn that it is safe to bring more pieces of ourselves forward. This, in turn, feeds both the need for a deeper pool from which to connect, as well as a more inclusive culture.?

5.? ? ? ? ? ? ?Investment & Possibility

When we allow ourselves to come forward we are able to lead from more than our limited “business brain.” The business brain often tells us that things can be done only in a certain way. It’s always been done that way. It’s the only way to maximize profits, decrease delivery times, increase productivity, etc.?

This part of our brain is very good at practicing traditional models of business which rely on control and predictability. However, we’re no longer in an era where people are willing to live “crunched and crushed” in order to ensure that the company's increasing profit margin continues to increase at their workers’ expense. Employees are no longer interested in making corporations and shareholders more money at the cost of their own health and well-being, family time, etc.?

So, what do we need to do to build workplaces that can meet the needs that are finally having an impact in shaping our organizational landscape? I think it’s a case of “You can’t get there from here.” What has worked in the past usually doesn’t work anymore. The parts of ourselves that we’ve relied on to solve problems in the past are no longer capable of coming up with the solutions we need. The issues call for more from us. They ask that we find solutions not just from the traditional role of executive or organizational leader, but from a place of all the places we “live in”, our homes, our families, who we are when we bring ourselves to our hobbies and weekends and vacations. These other places and ways of being invite us to come from a place of trust, to invest in one another as people instead of solely based on the ROI of the organization.?

There are shades of gray to every issue and these guidelines are not necessarily true for everyone in every job or work environment. Sometimes we find ourselves in a season of life where we just need to get certain things done. We have a financial goal we need to achieve. We take a job that we know is not a long-term career move in order to allow for other things in our lives.?

It’s also possible that you currently work in a toxic work environment. Unless you’re committed to driving systemic change (requiring some level of exposure or risk to yourself), this is not the environment to bring your whole self to work. If you’re in a toxic space, protect yourself until you can get out. Do get out.?

Exceptions aside, I don’t think the changes I’m advocating can happen overnight. They aren’t a quick-fix or an “easily implementable tool.” There is not always a direct line between “getting to know each other better” and the kind of possibilities presented. However, for the sake of ourselves as individuals—and for the sake of our teams and organizations—it’s worth considering the benefit of being our full selves at work.

As we transition to post-Covid work, we aren’t going back to a pre-Covid culture. We’re moving forward. We get to have a say in what that looks like and what shape it takes. Especially if you’re leading an organization. You get to have a big say in how you invite people to work. That all starts with how you show up yourself.

?If you’re looking for a place to start, consider:?

• What would you be comfortable sharing as a first step??
• What would you like to know about your colleagues?
• Where do you suspect that you might share some unexplored common ground?