Do You People-Please, Avoid Conflict, and Adjust Yourself to Everyone’s Expectations?

You know how some people are constantly trying to please everyone, avoid conflict, and fit into the expectations of others—often at the expense of their own needs? It's exausting! Is this you??If so, you’re far from alone. Many people adopt these patterns without even recognizing why. The root of these behaviors often lies in a set of deep-seated beliefs you’ve carried since childhood—beliefs that silently guide your choices, actions, and feelings about yourself.

The Lens That Shapes Your Reality

To understand why you keep making the same decisions, you need to examine the lens through which you view yourself and the world. This lens is shaped by a lifetime of unexamined beliefs and assumptions—your paradigms. Just like looking through a pair of glasses with the wrong prescription distorts your vision, these paradigms cloud one's understanding of reality, making it difficult to see things clearly.

If you are wearing a pair of yellow-tinted lenses, then everything blue will seem green to you, simply because yellow and blue make green.

Many of us are still wearing the "glasses" we put on as children, and they’re often not suited for the challenges of adulthood and leadership. For instance, when we were young, we may have misinterpreted situations—like not getting the attention or love we expected—as signs that we were unworthy. We might have told ourselves, “It’s because of me. I’m not good enough. I need to do something more to be loved.” We made up a meaning.

While these beliefs may have helped us make sense of the world as scared little kids, they no longer serve us as adults. Yet, we often continue living through these distorted lenses, unaware of the damage they cause to our self-esteem and relationships.

The Cycle of People-Pleasing

When you’ve spent years viewing yourself as flawed or unworthy, it makes sense that you would try to win people over by becoming what you think they want. People-pleasing becomes a survival strategy, and avoiding conflict feels like the safest way to avoid rejection.

But this behavior is exhausting. It leaves you constantly seeking external validation and approval, while neglecting your own needs and desires. You end up contorting yourself into someone else’s version of “acceptable” rather than embracing who you truly are.

This pattern stems from a belief that if people really knew you, they wouldn’t accept or love you. But have you ever stopped to question the accuracy of that belief? Often, we don’t. We just keep viewing ourselves through the same old lens, not realizing how much it’s distorting the way we see ourselves and others.

Breaking Free: Changing the Lens

What if that belief is wrong? What if the lens you’ve been looking through is out of date and in desperate need of an upgrade? What if it is and was never true?

It’s not easy to question these long-held assumptions. In fact, it might feel like you need to rewrite your entire approach to life. But the truth is, you are lovable—always have been, always will be. The love and acceptance you’ve been chasing externally may have been present all along, but you couldn't see it clearly because of the faulty lens through which you were looking.

The real challenge is to stop altering yourself to meet the imagined expectations of others. Instead, you need to learn to see yourself clearly—without the distortions—and act from a place of authenticity. This means recognizing and honoring your own needs, even if it means risking disapproval or conflict.

A New Approach to Life

Letting go of people-pleasing and conflict avoidance isn’t a simple task. It requires you to take off the old lens and learn to see the world—and yourself—more clearly. This takes time, self-reflection, and a willingness to step into discomfort. But the reward on the other side is a life lived with greater confidence and self-respect.

It’s time to examine the lens you’ve been looking through. Is it still serving you, or is it distorting your view of who you truly are? If you’re ready to stop repeating the same patterns and break free from the cycle of people-pleasing, it’s time to adjust the way you see yourself and the world.

This journey won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. After all, learning to live authentically, without constantly adjusting to others’ expectations, is the most valuable gift you can give yourself.

If you've ever found yourself stuck in this people-pleasing, avoiding conflict loop? How do you challenge and change these paradigms, these beliefs, and these behaviors? Let’s have a conversation in the comments, and if this resonates with you, let’s explore how you can start living authentically.

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