Do you need to be Right or be Heard?

Arguments are like elbows - everyone has them. They are necessary when a person/group needs something to change.

But at some point, either the argument ends...or the relationship does.

During this pandemic, I've been working on becoming an anti-racist. My parents and siblings also decided to do this, so we've been educating ourselves and meeting weekly to discuss since April 2020.

It's the perfect setup for a sitcom: 2 Midwestern Republicans, 2 Coastal Elites, and 1 Independent, all white, take on racism. Hilarity ensues when Grandpa keeps asking "who's Karen!"

Truly, it's maybe the most challenging thing my family has ever done together, and emotionally taxing...but worth it.

After 5 months of (mostly calm) weekly discussions, we tried to talk about President Trump's declaration that some anti-bias trainings are un-American. Suddenly, it was as if we were in the middle of an apocalyptic battle for the last Twinkie on Earth.

Accusations of "fake news" and "white supremacist" and "communist" and "fascist" were flying. We all left feeling shaken. We considered ending the discussion for good.

How did this one presidential declaration set off such a chain reaction?

Recent research from psychologists suggest that due to the deep polarization we're experiencing in America, it's difficult for our brains to separate a political opinion from a hardcore moral stance. 

Our brains assign moral determinations about political beliefs. That's why it feels like a religious war.

Moral determinations are treated by our brains as 100% true, infallible, and universally accepted. Imagine that someone tried to convince you that murder is good. Your brain automatically scoffs - it's a completely ridiculous sentiment. No amount of scientific evidence, passionate argument, or personal examples would change your mind!

Now replace "murder" with a strong political belief. Imagine a scenario where you would be open to changing your mind. You're probably having the same reaction to 'murder is good', right?

The problem is, both sides of the American political spectrum believe they are morally correct. Both sides believe the other side to be acting immorally, out of synch with American values, and trying to undermine society. Apparently this isn't happening in other democratic countries, just the U.S.

This all gets reinforced by the deep divide in our major news networks and in our social media bubbles. Basically, we're in our own echo chambers, where our political stances are increasingly "right" or "wrong".

So in this particular instance, trying to talk about that presidential decree sent us all to the DEFCON-1 of moral superiority postures. Our argument spun out into all of the hot-button issues (e.g. immigration and abortion), which was really about defending our individual party affiliation; nothing at all about the decree itself.

My mother may vehemently disagree with me about my political beliefs, but she's not immoral. We agree that racism is horrible & systemic, and that we want to erase the injustice. We disagree on how to accomplish that, and who should be given policy authority.

Winning ≠ Being Right

In order to send us all back to our corners and put down the proverbial grenade launchers, my family stumbled into something that is working (mostly):

1. Agree that the relationship is more important than proving who is right.
2. Get curious about personal values, not political beliefs.
3. Listen!!!!!!!
4. Try not to judge, but never try to persuade.

Instead of trying to be right, we are trying instead to be heard. Instead of trying to fix each other, we're trying to understand each other.

Personal values allow us to bridge the gap of moral determinations. "I believe that we all have a responsibility to everyone in the community," is different from, "I believe that every individual should have the ability to take care of their family," but neither belief is inherently moral nor immoral. If you boil it down, feeling a responsibility for your Family vs your Community is just about the size of your circle of responsibility.

Note that I am not advocating moral relativism. Some issues are moral issues, and worth ending your relationship over.

Generally, we are stronger together, despite our differences. When I find myself thinking, "Wow, that sounds wrong to me," I try to stop and be curious about the world that person wants to create and why. Why do they think theirs would be a better world?

Democracy is noisy and complicated, just like people are. Are you able to discuss issues across party lines? What's working for you?