Speak to SERVE, Not to SELL

Early in my career, I had an opportunity to speak for UCLA Extension on customer service.

This was a big deal. There would be decision-makers from the L.A. Times, Macy's, American Express and many other major companies in the audience. If I did a good job, this workshop could be a career-maker and lead to many paid training engagements.

I spent weeks preparing, flew from Maui (where I lived at the time), got up at 5 a.m. the day of the workshop, and arrived 2 hours early to make sure to beat traffic and avoid snafu's.

I will always be glad I did because one of our participants also arrived early and we bonded over what it was like being a working mom with two small kids.

Our conversation reminded me that this was not a room full of "potential clients" I wanted to impress. This was a room full of people just like me who had the same hopes, concerns, challenges, joyful moments and responsibilities.

I thought of this last week as I helped a client put the final touches on her TEDx talk.

She told me she was having a hard time sleeping at night because she just kept going over and over her talk in her mind and kept worrying she'd "miss a word" and go blank on stage.

I told her a story I had heard early in my career from Dorothy Sarnoff, a legendary speech coach who wrote a pivotal book called "Never Be Nervous Again."

Dorothy told the story of Barbara Walters who was keynoting a major convention.

Barbara ran into a friend in the hall she hadn't seen in years. They got caught up in getting caught up. Before she knew it, she heard her name being announced and she rushed onstage.

Barbara said she was so "discombobulated," she messed up her notes, forgot whole parts of her speech, and never really connected with her audience because she just wasn't "there."

Dorothy advised us to NEVER allow that to happen to us. She suggested we always sequester ourselves (even if it means going to the bathroom) so we have a few moments of privacy before we speak.

She also suggested we use those few moments to pump ourselves up with what we want our audience to feel. She said, "Your mood is contagious. If you're uptight and anxious, people will sense that. If you don't want to be there, your audience won't want to be there either."

In the Q & A after her talk, my friend asked "So, what do YOU say before giving a speech?"

Dorothy smiled and said, "I stand in the wings and repeat to myself, 'I'm GLAD I'm here. I'm GLAD I'm here. I LOVE my audience. I LOVE my audience.' It replaces any nervousness I might have with a genuine gratitude to have this opportunity to share ideas I hope will make a difference for my audience."

Her counsel stuck with me and shaped the way I communicate.

It's why I open almost every talk with Arthur Rubenstein's quote, "I have found if you love life, life will love you back.' I love this topic and to help you love it back, we're going to ..."

Intentionally using the word LOVE in the first few seconds centers me in my intent and plants that emotional seed in the audience.

You may be thinking, "You're not really suggesting we use this in business situations, are you? What if I'm giving a budget report or chairing a contentious meeting?"

I am suggesting you come up with a phrase that's relevant for your business situation and group because whatever you feel, the people in the room will feel too.

If you'll be discussing a controversial topic, you might want to center yourself in "I know we can come to agreement on this" or "I will do everything to keep our group focused on cooperating so we can work together to produce proactive next steps."

If you're delivering bad news, you could say, "I will show that I care, that I wish I had better news and that we will do our best to be compassionate and support them moving forward."

If you are on opposite sides of the table on an issue, you might say to yourself - and say in the first minute of your talk - "I trust we will treat each other with mutual respect."

If you are launching a new initiative and want people to be excited, use that word in your mental prep and in your opening. "I am so EXCITED about the potential of this program and I hope you'll be EXCITED too when you hear how it will benefit our customers."

Please make sure your mental prep is NOT about the commercial outcomes you want.

If you're thinking, "I hope this TEDx talk goes viral" or "I hope this presentation leads to 5 paid gigs" (I really do dislike that phrase. We gig a fish, we don't gig people) your intent will be TRANSACTIONAL and people will sense you view them simply as a means to your end.

When I do webinars or online trainings, I write out the word JOY and place it right next to my computer screen so I'll see it throughout the session.

It's a reminder to me that people yearn to be pleasantly surprised by a zoom meeting where there is a beating heart of humanity and a sense of honest, person-to-person connection.

Instead of talking fast to "fit all my points in," or getting frustrated with unfamiliar tech that doesn't work, or being distracted figuring out the breakout rooms; that word reminds me that, in addition to sharing real-world, useful content, my end game is to spread JOY and to create an experience that hopefully makes everyone's day (and life) a bit better.

Even when selling, I believe it is advantageous to say, "I'm here to SERVE, not to SELL. I'm here to MAKE A DIFFERENCE, not to make a name, close a deal or land an account."

When interviewing, instead of repeating to yourself, "I really, really need this job," it might be more helpful to fill yourself with this intent, "I will listen, be present, and genuinely connect with this person."

So, what's an important meeting, interview or talk you've got coming up?

What do you want to feel? What do you want other people in the room to feel? Go first.