Do you listen more than you talk?

At a young age, my father taught me to ask questions. I thought it was kind of silly at the time, but like many things parents teach their kids, I have come to realize the wisdom in what he taught me.

My dad was a great speaker and was asked to speak to big groups a lot and occasionally I would be forced to tag along. In those days I didn't have the opportunity of having my head lowered and being totally engrossed in the latest post someone made on social media or playing a game on my smartphone, so I would watch him interact with hundreds of people. Before and after giving his speech, he would ask the people that he knew how their family was doing, what vacations they had taken recently, how much rain they had received on their farm and generally never ask the same question twice. I was fascinated by this. He would ask the people he didn't know where they were from, how many children they had, where their children went to school, how their crops were looking and by the time my dad walked away, I felt like I knew everything about that person. I was always amazed at this and one day asked him why he asked all these questions and very rarely talked about himself.

He told me something very interesting that I have implemented in my own life today. He told me that there are only three ways to get more intelligent; surround yourself with people smarter than you, read books, or ask questions. He asked me to watch him take a genuine interest in other people's lives by asking questions, and then watch how people's faces lit up when they would talk about their spouse, sons or daughters, or grandchildren. He asked me to watch how excited people got to talk about themselves. He asked me to watch how the guy standing in the corner with a grumpy scowl would suddenly smile and be so happy to talk about himself, his life experiences, and his family. He asked me to watch other people ask questions when maybe it wasn't so genuine and it didn't seem that they were really hearing what people said, but they were just asking because they felt like they should. There was a big difference when people genuinely cared about the questions they asked and listened as opposed to the people who asked a question and you could tell they weren't really listening.

What I learned was that people love to talk about themselves. Who doesn't? When someone takes a genuine interest in your life; instead of a fake, forced, superficial asking of questions....people can talk forever and you can learn a lot. I learned that the best way to build true relationships with people was to ask relevant questions, remember the answers to those questions and then pick up next time with the same person. This is the difference between listening and hearing. Lots of people listen, but few hear. People were shocked when my dad would ask them about something they had told him six months ago. Sometimes they didn't even remember telling him that information.

As I got older, I tried integrating this into my own life in the business world. I'll be honest and admit that I'm nowhere near as good as my dad at asking the right questions, but I found I really enjoyed learning about people and what made them tick. I would make a concerted effort to make sure I didn't do all the talking and that I was listening more than speaking. When I was younger, I almost felt like an investigative reporter sometimes speaking to adults. Adults weren't used to a 15 year old kid asking them questions and showing an interest in their lives. I challenged myself on what questions to ask people to get them talking, and I forced myself to be genuinely interested in the conversation....sometimes this was difficult but the more I worked at it the better I got.

People love talking about themselves. People are fascinating. None of us are exactly alike and we are all wired differently. Some people love to people watch. Because of my dad's influence, I love to listen to people instead of just watching them. You learn so much more and you build true relationships instead of the superficial kind that so many people have. Give it a try sometime, you might be surprised at how easy it is to get that person you have never met standing in the corner by themselves to engage in a conversation with you and when you walk away, you feel like you know them very well.

I know it probably sounds silly, but in today's age with all the issues we have in the world, wouldn't our planet be a better place if people took time to ask questions of others and really took a genuine interest in what they said? I don't agree with everything I'm told, but I do have a better understanding of where people are coming from based on what I heard from people I meet. Speak to people who come from different backgrounds than you do, different cultures than you, look different than you. You will gain much insight and it will help you appreciate people who are different than you while you are gaining new perspectives and becoming more intelligent. As the old saying goes, "God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason." Try it sometime. You might be surprised at the results. I know I was.