Do you know what confidence looks like?

Confidence is something that many people feel they are lacking. They spend their days comparing their life, their career, their family, even their social life, with others; and coming up short. Confidence is a trait that us coaches work with; recruiters ask for and teachers encourage. Yet, when asked what confidence looks like, most can’t answer that question.

So, if you don’t know what it looks like, how in the world will you know when you get there?

I’ve written about confidence before, many times, but today want to make this blog quite sharp and sweet. Okay, maybe not sweet; more direct to the point and maybe a little confrontational? I CAN’T MAKE YOU CONFIDENT. There isn’t a magic wand that I can wave all over you to change how you think about yourself and the world.

We all have decades of experiences, values, beliefs and cultural influences that have led us to wherever our confidence barometer lies at this moment in time.

There is one big lie that we tell ourselves that is pretty universal though. That confidence is something you either have or haven’t. We watch others, who are competent and experienced in an area of life and wish we could just decant that confidence and spread it liberally all over ourselves like a magic salve.

Confidence doesn’t work like that. On a very basic level, confidence is knowledge and experience; knowing that you can do what you say you can do. It exists in all spheres of life and is something that can be learned. But there are no quick fixes.

Yes, you can “fake it till you make it” – which in certain circumstances can make you LOOK confident, but everyone wants to FEEL confidence. That is the million-dollar result, right?

Most of the things we know well, can do well and are comfortable with, will be the things that others describe when they talk about our confidence. There is a good chance that you won’t notice those things in yourself as they feel natural. Likewise, there will be things that you do, that internally feels like an emotional wreck yet to everyone else you are smooth and … wait for it … confident.

So rather than promise you a confidence quick fix, I am going to shine a spotlight on you and help you take the first step in believing in yourself.

It starts by describing the confident version of YOU!

When is the last time you felt really confident? Take some time to reflect on what you were doing. Be exact, think about the lead up to that event or situation, why you were involved, and what you did to prepare (or not!).

What were your feelings before, during and after? Really relive the moment – even if it had a few cringe moments!

You have identified this situation as having a confident version of you. How did you know? Start naming those feeling, in the moment you are remembering, and following. What did others say about you? What feedback did you get?

These are all important steps. Not just to give you a bit of an ego boost (although I am sure it has helped) but to help you identify what YOUR VERSION of confidence.

You see, confidence is not always the brash, loud outgoing person that the media has led us to believe. It is the quieter confidence, who is steady and resilient. Maybe that is you? And maybe that is why you think you aren’t confident, as you are trying to be someone you are not.

By taking the time to see what YOUR version of confidence is, you can understand what led to those feelings then, to help you notice it when it happens in the future and, most importantly, work towards it when something new crosses your path.

I’d love to hear what YOUR version of confident is. Come along to The Balance Collective with Clara Wilcox and share.

Read more blogs about confidence here – it’s the confidence collection!