Do you know that by making your business 'dementia friendly' you will increase sales?

For a while now my Mum has wanted me to express ‘the truth’ behind the smiles of the photos we put on social media. This is about the day-to-day realties of being with a loved one who has dementia – in our case, my Dad, Lawrence. She wants to both share and encourage those who are also carers and also to show the sadness and frustrations too. I also want to encourage you that as a family with a loved one who has a memory loss condition, if you make it easy for us to access your business, we shall spend money with you!

We have just returned from spending six days with them in Cornwall, sharing a lodge then an Airbnb on our way home. Consequently my husband Mike and I have experienced a complete insight into their lives. I have shared this with them before I have posted it.

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Being busy:

Dad worked so very hard before he retired. He was employed by the chemical company ICI for most of his working life, in the fire and safety departments at Thornton Cleveleys and then in Runcorn. He also had a second job as a retained fireman when we lived in Fleetwood. When he wasn’t at work he was so very useful with DIY and ‘jobs’ around the home. He rarely ‘just sat’. Without stimulation and encouragement, my Dad now would simply ‘just sit’.

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Sleep and energy:

He needs to be in bed for at least 16 hours a day now. Mum spends her mornings and evenings on her own. We know she enjoyed our company whilst we were away. It takes plenty of gentle coaxing to get him up and he has no sense of urgency to be going anywhere. This means that the afternoons are the best time to have Dad ‘busy’. As the early evening arrives Dad will start to ask ‘Where is it?’, meaning his bed. It is possible to distract him and keep him busy for a little while. When he starts to sit with his head in his hands, it is then obvious that he needs to lie down. Where we can, a wheelchair is useful as his energy is so low. He is happy to be wheeled. On our trip to Cornwall we visited the Duchy of Cornwall nursery and tea rooms. There was no space in our car for his wheelchair, so we were limited to places that had one available. This allowed us to enjoy a lunch then a meander around the plants. A very happy few hours!

Over the years we have enjoyed visiting Barton Grange garden centre in Garstang, Lancashire. They have gone a step further and allow visitors the use of mobility scooters. They also provide parking facilities for those who have mobility challenges who have not yet got a Blue Badge (what an ordeal!)

The joy that gives Dad, and us, is immeasurable. It also means we spend money with them - so we all benefit. They also provide parking facilities for those who have mobility challenges who have not yet got a Blue Badge (what an ordeal!)

Timing:

Once Dad is up and dressed everything has to be done slowly, allowing him time to do the simplest of tasks, such as getting ready to leave the house. Getting up from a chair takes time and he needs a couple of moments to get his balance. It is usually quicker to take his shoes and coat to him before you are going out. Often at that point he will then announce he needs to go to the toilet. That can be another 10 minutes. Before a journey he might need to be reminded to go to the toilet before we leave. He can stubbornly refuse sometimes. As his short-term memory is so short, it can be handy to ask him again a few minutes later and he will say yes! Mike is so good at this with him. He did make us laugh when Mike said he needed to go to the bathroom and could Dad go with him. Quick as a flash my Dad replied ‘why, can’t you manage on your own?’

Having another male around makes it easier. We can totally appreciate how this can be a cause of frustration and concern for Mum when they are out together.

Does your business have adequate toilet facilities? Would you be able to assist someone with their partner?

Food:

Dad was one of eight brothers and sisters and grew up with very few treats. Yet as an adult he was always so polite and generous when it came to sharing. He would be the last person to take the final bit of cake or dessert without checking first if anyone else wanted it. Now he just helps himself regardless. There is no consideration for others, especially around sweets and biscuits. He will be first into an opened packet and then has to be guided to stop eating! His hand can come across a table at lightening speed. In general, his appetite is small at mealtimes. When plating his food, it is best on a small plate. He will cut his food into small pieces, then mix it up and often leaves half of it. When we dine out Mum and Dad tend to share a portion. It makes such a difference when venues are happy to bring a second plate.

How do your team respond to a request for this? Do they think 'cheap-skates' or acknowledge that many seniors have a very small appetite?

Conversation:

Dad was never a great conversationalist. Mum certainly is. The silence now though from Dad can be deafening. He rarely speaks unless spoken to. He will answer a simple question if he is able to or often the reply will be ‘I can’t remember’. If we are all chatting he might comment ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’. It can be so easy to leave him out. It is also rewarding to make sure he is included. Sometimes all it takes is a short sentence or two of explanation and he might offer an appropriate reply. The best way to find a memory for him is to prompt him with a favourite expression, e.g. what we used to say at bedtime when we were little. He might be able to finish a phrase. It is hard for Mum that the usual banter between a married couple is no longer there.

Playing cards:

Part of Mum and Dad’s social life and also as a family, has been playing card games, especially rummy. It is quite amazing that Dad can still grasp the basic rules. We now have adapted though to one of us playing next to him to give him help when he needs it. This means that he still feels part of what used to be a regular activity. We have found that if we immediately deal the cards when we have finished our evening meal, he will play. If we ask he will refuse and say he wants to go to bed. Sometimes giving him a choice makes it less pleasurable for all involved!

Jigsaws:

Part of holidays for us has been to do a jigsaw. Dad was always very happy to join in and was great at sorting the pieces. On this holiday we were actually defeated by a very difficult one. Whilst Mum and I sat for a couple of hours doing our best with it, Dad sat with us and contentedly tried to put some side pieces together. It was so good to have him join us.

TV:

He likes the television on with subtitles although we are not certain how much, if any, he can read and if he can follow any of the programmes. He is content though. It makes us think that if we did not still keep him busy, he could spend his days just staring at ‘the box’.

Being in the car:

He enjoys being in the car, although often needs help to click his seatbelt in place. He will stay alert and watch the passing scenery. Dad can be funny. He will pick up on a place name as we pass a sign, e.g. driving through Callander on a visit to Scotland, he asked ‘who’s got a date?’.

At the mention of Gloucester, he asked if it had rained. Mum asked him why and he said he didn’t know. I began to recite ‘Dr, Foster went to Gloucester ..’ and Dad continued with the next few words of the rhyme. It is both sad and happy when he does this. You are pleased he has said something and then sad because only part of the memory is there.

Having his photo taken:

Dad was never a ‘poser’ yet as his dementia has progressed he has loved having his photo taken. It is amazing how he can perk up for a matter of moments to pose and we see a glimmer of his old sparkle. This is why he can look so healthy and happy in some images. Then almost immediately it vanishes again. Within a few minutes he can be shown the photo and he has no memory of where it was taken. We still do take them and Mum will spend time going through them with him. Sometimes he will recall name or place.

?Music:

He loves music and can become very emotional at a familiar song. He loves to drum using his fingers, and often using the cutlery at a restaurant or café. The highlight of his week is going to Singing for the Brain, run by the Alzheimer’s Society. He comes alive in those sessions.

Children and animals:

Dad has always loved children and been wonderful with them. He now can either get very irritated by a crying baby or noisy child. Alternatively, he can smile, wave, etc. to a small child that verges on the inappropriate. We have to be aware as Dad ‘looks’ normal and parents could complain.

He finds comfort in their cat and will like to pet animals when we are out and about.

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So what can we do? In some ways it would be the easier option for Mum and us as a family to let Dad just sit in front of a television and not go out. A while ago my Mum made the poignant statement that Dad had come into this world not wanted or loved. She is determined that he leaves it feeling wanted and loved. So, we tuck him up in bed with a kiss. We make sure he is warm, well fed and his needs are met. We include him in as much as we can, making allowances for his loss of memory and low energy levels.

We take him to places and let him experience things. In brief moments he enjoys the simplest of stimulation – a dog with a cute face; a seagull on a footpath; a piece of cake. He is a lesson to us all. We are all so guilty of NOT being present. Our minds are stewing over worries, plans, emails, etc. Dad shows us the value of ‘just being’. He has no memory of the last week with us. Mum shared the photos of the places and things we had done. He can see himself and us – and no recall. There might be a slight memory if gently prompted.

For Mum that could be disheartening. It is natural to question the point of doing anything with him. Why make all the effort because he won’t remember any of it? At the time he is generally happy so it IS worth it. Mum is still bright as a button and loves to have plans and go places. She misses ‘the Lawrence’ that he used to be along with the independence and amazing travels they used to do. At home she needs to do everything. Dad used to be so helpful around the house. Now she has to be aware of bin days; washing; replacing batteries. On top of that Dad adds to it by occasionally trying to be helpful. He will put things away in odd places; put dirty pots in the cupboard; unpack the dishwasher when it is still hasn’t been cleaned. Last year he was still able to iron – he loved to do it and also the kitchen sink was his pride and joy. He loved to make sure it was always clean. His last two ‘jobs’ are no longer part of his daily routine.

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It was lovely to be away with them and share the care of Dad and be company for Mum. I enjoyed doing all the cooking. Even thinking out meals is a responsibility for her and it was good to be able to take that away from her.

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So what lessons can we share?

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For businesses and appointments:

·?????? Allow flexibility and patience in timings. In both places we stayed it made such a difference to be able to check out at 11 instead of 10 a.m.

·?????? In making appointments for people with memory loss or associated conditions, please let them have appointments for when they will be at their best.

·?????? If you offer a wheelchair for the use of customers, it will bring you business.

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In restaurants and cafes:

·?????? Please be aware that a full portion can be too much and make allowances for that.

·?????? Be aware of the need to seat a family in a quiet area

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For friends and neighbours of those with dementia and their loved ones:

·?????? Be kind and understanding.

·?????? Offer to help where and when you can, e.g. even putting the bins out.

·?????? Remember that carers can get lonely – keep in touch with them.

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For us all:

·?????? Remember that not all disabilities can be seen

·?????? Make the most of everyday. None of us know how long we have.

·?????? Be like my Dad – live and appreciate the current moment.

?Please do feel free to share this post with your contacts.

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