Do you know how to effectively deal with DARVO?

Introduction

Have you ever been caught out with unexpected negative consequences? Most of us have, leaving us disorientated and left scrambling to collect and reconstruct the pieces of our once shattered sense of reality.

Welcome

If you are new to my newsletter, ‘Unlearn to Learn Anew, welcome!

What is DARVO?

Definitions of DARVO abound, but I will use this one for our purposes.

DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Picture this scenario.?

You have reported unprofessional/unethical practice at your workplace, which you should. You are thanked for reporting it, told there will be an investigation, and you will be informed of the outcome. A few weeks later, you are called into the office to be informed of the findings, and to your horror, the offender of unethical practices is seen as the victim, and you? the offender.?

The fake investigation

You have been invited to the meeting to hear the findings of the investigation and cannot believe what you are hearing. It is surreal. Your body reacts, going into a form of physiological, psychological and emotional meltdown.?

Those of you who have experienced DARVO know the effect of having the rug pulled from under your feet.?

Psychologists will tell you, being accused of something you did not do causes “emotional distress: The emotional toll of being falsely accused can result in feelings of anger, shame, sadness, and betrayal. This emotional distress can make it challenging to manage daily life and maintain healthy relationships” (PTSD from False Accusations: How Online Group Therapy Can Aid Recovery | Grouport Journal (grouporttherapy.com)

Furthermore, those instantaneous feelings of rage and anger do not mean you are guilty. It is a natural response to an abnormal situation. I suspect a fight or flight response as you feel as though your life is under threat.??

What generally happens is a snowball effect of being manipulated. Your head and body is in a whirlpool of conflicting thoughts, a maelstrom of emotions making your present reality almost unmanageable.?

Management, or HR, are talking to you, but there is confusion. Muffled voices clash with your inner overwhelm. Concerns over your recent performance are aired with suggestions of further training required.?

You hear, or you think you hear, comments of extra supervision, which was never needed before. You are unclear what is going on because you are in an emotional tailspin.?

You try to respond, but your words sound garbled, unclear, and you do not know what you are saying. In your most vulnerable wounded state, the vultures swoop in for the kill. You have not realised until now, but there has been a ‘fake investigation’ as articulated by lawyer, Kathryn Marshall https://www.dhirubhai.net/posts/kvmarshall_can-we-please-talk-about-fake-workplace-investigations-activity-7188321229169135616--oK4?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop ….?

What you may not have realised is that according to recent research, the types of folks who use DARVO techniques, another form of gaslighting, are more often those with narcissist tendencies. Watch this short video for a clear understanding of narcissistic behaviour -?

8 Traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (youtube.com)

DARVO can be used knowingly and unknowingly, but if people have literally taken time to manipulate the situation, to my mind, they have wilfully constructed a plan for your demise.

What can you do?

You must deal with things in the moment, but how, when you are in a tailspin?

In your tailspin you must gather yourself. How??

Recall in my newsletter about ‘jamming your rudder in the opposite direction.’ Recovering from moral injury? Shaken, stirred and broken... - Google Docs

Something like saying, “hold on a second, I see what is going on here,”? can startle some people. You need to change how the flow of the meeting is going and you need to gather control of you.?

Here are some steps you can make and take.

1. I love the quote allegedly by Tyler Perry/Maya Angelou. “When people show you who they are, believe them.”
2. Bring the topic back to the table. Don’t allow them to side track you. It is not about your performance but unethical and professional behaviour going against company policy?
3. If those interrogating you refuse to acknowledge the topic, you are free to leave the meeting. In my over thirty years of leadership experience I have once left a meeting with two people who had issues with the leadership team. After three attempts asking them for resolution, they simply continued to rant. I got up, and on leaving the meeting, I informed them they had no intention of resolution. Outcome? They continued to rant to this day in other contexts, and I am still alive writing this newsletter!?
4. Once you recognise what is taking place in the meeting, call it out. Highlight the abusive manipulation of facts, call out gaslighting, stand up for the facts of the original reporting of unethical behaviour.?

5. Be assertive. Stand up for yourself. At that moment, no one else is standing up for you. No one.

6. If you can, remain calm

7. If HR or management are the main perpetrator of DAVRO you cannot report the matter to them, except at your exit interview.?

8. If you are in a union, seek their support. If not, in the UK context, seek out the services of Acas | Making working life better for everyone in Britain ‘Acas gives employees and employers free, impartial advice on workplace rights, rules and best practice. We also offer training and help to resolve disputes.’

9. Get yourself equipped. Too many employees rely heavily on their workplaces having your best interest at heart. Many don’t. Tap into this excellent article by coach @Jo Banks - (10) 6 Strategies for Addressing a Bully/Manipulator (DARVO) | LinkedIn

Summing up

I wished the experience of moral injury was scarce, but it is not.

When we go to work, we not only have to contend with people and group dynamics, you have to encounter some management and leadership types too.?

Consider your workplace/management/leadership, not only as an environment, but a personality type which you need to understand.?

Doing your job well is more nuanced than fulfilling the duties on your job description. You must look after yourself as best you can, leaving nothing for granted.

Take note of how others are treated, especially those in management. Is there fair-play, or is there favouritism?

Wishing you well and working towards the best for you.?

Delroy Hall

www.delwes.com

With over three decades experience working as a psychotherapist, trainer, facilitator, and as a local and? international leader, I am open to working with individuals, teams and organisations.