"Do you identify as a caregiver?"

"Do you identify as a caregiver?"

“Do you identify as a caregiver?” – Bhavana asked me. The question took me by surprise. I hadn’t considered it. Ever.

Over the course of the next hour-and-a-half the conversation threads with the small, intimate group that had come together meandered. Personal. Professional. Emotional. Psychological. Philosophical. Gender roles. Entrenched patriarchy. We covered it all. And, it all carried it with it one common thread.

Caregiving.

Forcing me to confront and think about whether I was a caregiver.

My earliest memory of being a caregiver is as a ten-year old. Helping my grandfather. He had an amputated foot. Every morning it came to me – to massage his amputated stump, dust it with powder, wrap it with gauze, fit it into his artificial ‘jaipur’ limb. And help him hobble from the bed to the wheelchair, which then I would wheel to the long verandah in our ancestral home where he would sit most day. The roles changed as he got older. Reading aloud the newspaper. Massaging his gums. Washing his dentures. Until, I left town. To study.

Those memories from the eighties had all but faded.

Years passed. People passed. My mother became the primary caregiver to my grandmother. It was a role she gave herself after I lost my father early. As my grandmother aged, my mother convinced herself that she needed to be at her beck and call. I saw her wracked with guilt at even the thought of taking a holiday. Rushing back from her walks every single day because she didn’t want to be away for too long. Feeling obligated – as a 60 year old - to give an account of her time to my 85 year old grandmother.

So, it continued for 25 years. Living out a script she had created in her own mind. Until my grandmother passed in 2016.

And with that, my mother also lost her purpose. We understood it. But we also underestimated how powerful her purpose had been. Dependency. Social awkwardness. Self-doubt. All of this has grown over the years. Some more than the others.

And so, it comes to us now. Juggling our own lives; our own biases and prejudices; our own impatience; our own guilt. The inadequacies of our own compassion hits us hard sometimes. Many times.

What script do we live out? I don’t know the answer. I am sure I will learn with time.

But of one thing, I am sure. I have the answer to Bhavana’s question.

Yes, I am a caregiver. Aren’t we all?

Thank you, indeed we are all caregivers. And all caregivers need friends, support and services.... Especially a Saathi...

Priyanka Vasudevan

Educator, Researcher, Learner :)

1 年

This is very thought-provoking, thanks for sharing!

Bhavana Issar

Founder CEO, Caregiver Saathi: Ecosystem for well-being of family caregivers | Founder CEO, Sambhaavana: OD & Business Impact | Independent Director | Speaker | Gender Equity advocate | Motorcyclist | Limca record holder

1 年

Thank you for your powerful and insightful writing! It was lovely to have you join our meet up yesterday. Grateful to Sangeeta Mahendran and Shiran Mathew for organising the space and event. You are right, #WeAreAllCaregivers

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