DO YOU HAVE A FAMILY ? *Optional* Yes ? No?

So, your Adult Child has kicked you to the curb- what can be worse than that? Is it the violence of silence? Perhaps the sitting in the dark in a closet making up all the answers and the questions? Maybe it’s the withholding or never meeting your grandchildren? Then, maybe it’s the shame?

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The rising incidence of family estrangement now sits at 29% (https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/44817-poll-family-ties-proximity-and-estrangement).

The reasons aren’t as many as you think and not the likely go to one where many people ask — “what did you do? What did you say? You must have done something”. Sadly, this is not often the case and many parents are left holding the proverbial bag not having a clue what happened, (https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/01/why-parents-and-kids-get-estranged/617612/)

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What then does a parent do when there is no contact? Christmas Cards are returned to sender, grandchildrens presents thrown out, restraining orders threatened - all in the absence of no contact or communication. Families are busy replacing conversation with respecting “boundaries”.

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Sitting around ruminating about the past, going through family albums and photographs looking for a desperate clue gets you nowhere. Participating in endless group estrangement forums where others are ruminating, attending support groups where there is more reflective ruminating only seals a mother/father’s grief. The violence of silence as some call it (https://www.allyenergy.com/blog/white-silence-is-violence) is painful, debilitating and often paralyzing for many wishing death to come sooner as a way to deal with the grief.

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Grief comes in many forms and no grief is greater or worse than another. Ambiguous loss also comes in many forms and grieving the loss of a living adult child is high on the list. There is no closure or answers. Lots of silence, lots of silence.

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Choosing to spend a life in rumination guarantees grief is never ending. The answer then is to embrace the grief, meet it head on, celebrate it living in all your pores. Then consider time keeps going when you don’t. Let’s say that again. Time keeps going when you don’t. ?Consider the light that has entered the cracks in your broken heart. Sit with that, trade ruminating in for resilience. Invite it in, let it sit next to you along with the grief. Set a place for it.

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Teach yourself (yes yourself) the skill of “dusting off”. What does that mean? Its beyond Radical Acceptance. It’s the next step after accepting where you are today, and it looks to where you want to be tomorrow.