Do you have a controlling partner?

Do you have a controlling partner? One who is very needy and demanding of your time? I know I do. Chances are that you do too without realising it.

We’re talking smartphones here with their constant stream of buzzes and chirps and those little red notification bubbles that we feel the need to clear. There’s no doubt that we are being programmed by social media companies in Silicon Valley who develop apps deliberately to try to grab and retain our attention.

In May 2017, Bill Mayer concluded his HBO Real Time show with the following:

“The tycoons of social media have to stop pretending that they’re friendly nerd gods building a better world and admit that they’re just tobacco farmers in T-shirts selling an addictive product to children. Because, let’s face it, checking your “likes” is the new smoking. [The difference is] Philip Morris just wanted your lungs. The App Store wants your soul.”

It’s all about dopamine and here’s where Simon Sinek nails it in four minutes.

So, what can we do?  For a long read, I would recommend Cal Newport’s book ‘Digital Minimalism’ which digs deep into how we got the point where everywhere you look people have their phone-face on and recommends some strategies for taking back control. For me, I’ve taken on-board a lot of the ideas in ‘Digital Minimalism’ and come up with a few simple strategies of my own to stem the information flow and regain some balance.

1. It’s called a phone for a reason.

I’ve reverted to using my old (and smaller) iPhone SE when I’m out of the house and I’ve removed all the attention-grabbing apps that could pop up the annoying red notifications bubble (apart from the Phone and Messages apps), so my home screen looks like this now.

So now I can make and receive calls and text messages, listen to audiobooks (Audible) and podcasts that I’ve downloaded, and do a bit of meditation (Medito) when I want to, and that’s about it. Shazam is also there because I’m a music junkie and sometimes you just have to know what that tune is. A few other apps are hidden on the second screen for use in emergencies. I have ‘Do Not Disturb While Driving’ turned on and everything else can wait until I’m at home.

 Using the Smarty network (part of the 3 network) means I have unlimited calls and text for ￡5 per month.

2. Do I know you?

I don’t answer calls unless the person calling is in my contact list. This really helps in cutting down the nuisance calls because call centre operatives will rarely hang on long enough to leave a message.

3. Facebook

I’m still on Facebook, but only log in a couple of times a week to check in to support a private Facebook group that I’m a member of.

4. Email

Some people seem to treat email like instant messaging and there’s a theory that the time you take to respond to an email sets the expectation that you will always respond in the same timeframe as the conversation continues. For me, that’s a good enough reason for not having a mail app on the phone and I’m now trying to get into the habit of only checking emails once a day.

5. The Landline

I haven’t had a handset connected to my landline for about 4 years now. In fact, I had to go out and buy a cheap handset a couple of years ago just to prove to my bank that the number that they had on record was still mine. Instead, I have an answering service will send a text message to my mobile phone when someone leaves a message. I can then call in (from my mobile) to pick up the message. Voila, no more nuisance calls.

So that’s what I’m planning and I’m going to try it for a month and see how many friends I have left.

This article was written by one of our associate coaches, John Shelton. Check out his other blog posts here: