Do you have an anxiety disorder?

I was 8 years old, it was Halloween night and I had just come back from a fun night of trick or treating.

My Oma ( grandma in Dutch) and uncle were waiting for my mom and me to come home with the stash so they could steal my coffee crisps. We were all obsessed with this flavor! Crunchy, creamy with a hint of coffee. Yum.

As I dumped out my and began to sort the candy, the front door opened and in walked my estranged father, he was extremely drunk.

We hadn’t seen or heard from him in months, but there he was, angry, unbalanced and slurring his words. He started yelling at my uncle for stealing his cowboy boots, it was very random and confusing.

A massive fight broke out between my uncle and father, I stood there so frightened I couldn't move. My mom yelled at me " Go upstairs to your room and shut the door. "

As I ran up the stairs, I heard something being ripped from the wall, I stopped and watched from in between the banisters as my father ripped off a window shutter and hit my Oma with it, knocking her to the ground.

The last thing I remember was screaming at the top of my lungs…. I was terrified.

That was the beginning of a life long anxiety disorder.

In 2018, during my five weeks at Homewood, a mental health hospital, I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder. (GAD)

I found the term generalized very vague. Then they explained more to me about it.

On a scale of 1-10, most people live around the 3-5 mark with anxiety, sometimes, it may get to a 6 or 7. Generally, people experience anxiety on occasion. Anxiety can be serious or turn into a disorder if it lasts for a long time, causes significant distress, or interferes with your life in other ways.

My anxiety was well above 10, making my stay at the hospital inevitable.

The physical symptoms I was experiencing were the following.

• stomach pain, nausea or digestive trouble
• headache
• insomnia or other sleep issues (waking up frequently, for example)
• weakness or fatigue
• rapid breathing or shortness of breath
• pounding heart or increased heart rate
• sweating
• trembling or shaking
• muscle tension or pain

My phycological symptoms were the following.

• constant worrying
• a desire to be perfect
• fear of making a mistake
• obsessing about dying
• crying a lot
• having nightmares
• blanking out or freezing up when something stressful happens
• worrying that something horrible will happen to people you care about
• feeling like you’re going crazy
• avoiding friends

If any of these symptoms sound familiar to you, either for yourself or someone you know, get help. Talk to someone. Start with a therapist.

One of the biggest regrets I have is not talking to someone sooner. There have been too many periods in my life of unhappiness. I suppressed my feelings because I felt ashamed, weak and fearful.

Don't live in silence, silence is a trap.

Be brave, be bold, be you.

I'm on a mission, one article at a time, one speech at a time, one day at a time.

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