Do You Find It Hard To Change? Perhaps It Isn't Your Fault

I travel frequently. In the past, I would often forget where I parked my car. Sometimes it would take me as long as 20 minutes to find it, which was very frustrating at the end of a long trip. I needed to change this behavior and solve this problem. So to prevent this from happening I would try to write the location down on a piece of paper. But sometimes I was in enough of a hurry I couldn’t write it down, or I lost the paper. Then I bought a memory course, listened to the techniques, but because I was always in a hurry when I arrived at the airport, I would forget to use the techniques. Another fail.

In all, my attempts to change were a failure. Finally, I discovered an area of the parking lot where I knew I could always find a place to park. It was a bit further from the front of the lot, but now I always know where my car is parked. I didn’t have to worry about it, write it down, or even think about the issue. By simply parking in the same general area, I had solved the concern.

I learned something important from this experience:

Lasting changes may require new systems or structures.

 Of course not every change can be solved with structure, but as humans we tend to consider making personal changes before making structural changes. In my travel example, my first thought about how to solve my problem had to do with changing myself: improving my memory, taking more time, checking things twice, writing it down. But when I applied a simple structure change--parking in a single area—I no longer felt guilty for short-term memory failure or for not maintaining higher expectations of myself.

To solve a problem, then, you don’t necessarily need to change yourself. For example, there are many people who are continually late for meetings who simply haven’t thought to synch their appointments into their smart phone calendar. It’s much easier to be on time for appointments when the phone continually reminds you where you need to be.

Next, I learned that it is extremely difficult to change when you do it alone.

Lasting changes are easier to make with others involved.

Whenever you hear stories of great achievements or personal triumphs, you usually hear about a significant person who was there to help, such as a coach, a spouse, a friend, a teacher, or boss. When we don’t have others assisting our efforts, it is often harder than if we include the other people around us who are willing to help. Often, people don’t involve others because they fear that they might not succeed. On New Year’s, for example, I might set some aspirational goals for myself. If I don’t tell anyone about my goals then I can abandon the effort, if I don’t make it, without risk. If, however I tell others about my goal, I suddenly feel accountable. But I am also significantly more prone to succeed. If you can benefit from a coach, a mentor or a teacher, then, you must initiate the relationship. Find someone who is excited and inspired about the things you are trying to change and will assist in the effort. Most are willing to help. Additionally, other people bring perspectives that may be different from yours. In all, involving others in your change can make a substantial difference in your ability to accomplish your goals.

These kinds of relationships fulfill two roles. One is the accountability partner. Sometimes it is hard for us to recognize when we are slipping. The accountability partner can help us realize when we’ve returned to our bad habits or have started to rationalize our behavior. The other role is that of moral support. Your goals, when shared with these people, are reinforced by their presence and by the fact that you want to look good in their eyes.

Going the course alone is difficult. The more we internalize our miseries and mistakes, the more likely we are to deceive ourselves about our ultimate potential.

In conclusion, then, when you’re struggling to make changes, your failures may not be entirely your fault. Examine your goals and think about the ways a new or different structure might make a critical difference. Then make the call to someone who can hold you accountable and inspire your efforts. With these small changes, you are all but certain to meet with success.

More about me and Zenger Folkman

Since 2011, I have had the pleasure of contributing a library of articles that share my thoughts and research on Harvard Business Review and Forbes.com. If you need more help from me or from our team, feel free to reach out to us at www.zengerfolkman.com. While you’re there, check out our Resource Center for eBooks, Case Studies, and White Papers. You can also sign up for our monthly Leadership Webinar Series. These webinars are complimentary, active learning experiences that include assessments and development plans that can boost leadership skills for individuals and organizations.