Do you ever lose sight of your purpose? AKA My Tuscan Existential Crisis

I’ve just returned from a retreat in Tuscany, where I had a tiny existential crisis.

The place was incredible – a farmhouse nestled in the Tuscan hills, all stone fireplaces and open living spaces, making the most of the jaw-droppingly beautiful views.

I used to work with the wife of the couple who restored it, Cally Albrecht . Her and her husband Nick had had enough of life in Leeds, and packed up and moved over there with their two kids, spending seven years lovingly resurrecting the derelict farmhouse, and turning it into a lavender farm and retreat space.

Something many of us dream of, right? Although they actually went for it and did it.

And it turns out yoga twice a day really suits me; fiery flow in the morning, then yin or nidra to chill out in the evening.

Plus we had Emma Ellice Flint , our private chef and perimenopausal nutritionist – who made me realise I’ve been trying to fuel myself with crap (then complaining of being tired) – but in an empowering, not preachy way.

We also fit in a trip to the nearby hot springs – holy ?moly – these were totally free volcanic springs, nestled in the middle of a forest. There were dipping pools and little waterfalls everywhere, plus that mineral rich clay you can slap all over your body and your skin feels great.

Let’s just say Yorkshire waterfalls aren’t quite doing it for me right now!

Please be assured I am not telling you all this stuff to show off or make you jealous – this is the point I want to make:

Whilst I was there, I had a small existential crisis

If you asked me even a week ago what my purpose was, what was my mission and plan – I could tell you in a really slick elevator pitch

But as I was doing slow laps across the pool early one morning, before everyone else got up, it hit me like a ton of bricks:

?“What the eff am I doing?"

“I don’t know what I’m aiming for anymore – I don’t know if this is going to make me happy.”

Now if I were at home I’d have been able to squish this down and carry on about my day, but because I was on retreat, I was able to sit with this question and let it percolate.

And then I got ill – it was so weird, like being on mushrooms – my head got fuzzy, it felt like I was looking at everything through the wrong end of a telescope.

But because of the work I do, I learned to sit with this discomfort – to self-resource, but also allow myself to be supported.

This is what I’ve learned:

1)????? I’m playing too small

I’ve been stuck in reality, in ever-decreasing circles about what’s ‘possible’. Urgh.

The scope of this project has absolutely inspired me, and reignited the passion for my big dream.

2)????? I’ve been making excuses

Excuses that the are kids settled, that it’s not the right time to make big changes.

It’s time to examine those questions.

3)????? My life is geared for efficiency, not quality

This is about recognising that everything in my life set up to allow me to work more, be more efficient at work – OR for spending time with kids.

I want to allow time to linger, to savour, to meander, to dream.

4)????? The microdecisions matter

?I KNOW this one but it’s a timely reminder. This one shows up in all sorts of way. Stuff like if I’m cooking, I won’t bother to put herbs in – but it does matter.

Every thing I do is a vote to for the kind of person I want to be – this adds up to my identity over time

5)????? Importance of a rich inner life

Inside Audacity we call this DES – daily essential standards. The golden daily habits that allow you to show up as your brightest and best.

But… I recognise I’m currently doing them as a quid pro quo thing: “If I spend 20 mins doing yoga I’ll smash that pitch”. “If I meditate I won’t panic about the bills coming in”

I want to switch this to being about so in tune, so in love with, so aligned with who I am at your core, life is just bliss.

6)????? It’s time to make some changes

I’ve made some BIG decisions this week, released some things, welcomed some things in.

This is all I can say right now, but I’ll keep you posted.

And so this is my message to you, if this conversation has resonated

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, struggling to get going, to get enthusiasm for projects you say you wanted.

If you’re being triggered left right and centre.

If you’re questioning your purpose and what you’re doing, losing motivation and mojo, and feeling disconnected.

Maybe having your own existential crisis?

It’s absolutely ok.

These questions and feelings can be inconvenient

They can be confusing, and happen at the worst time and be really uncomfortable.

But they are clues you’re ready for an uplevelling.

That there is a shift coming.

That it’s time to let some stuff go, in order to make space for what’s next

Nature abhors a vacuum – if you release what’s no longer working for you, it’s an opportunity to make space for what’s next.

I’ve come back into work this week, and made and executed some big decisions – can’t quite share them yet, but they feel so damn right.

And so it’s now about leaning into trust, and trusting my feelings, that I’m on the right path.

And that for me is the whole point of being a female entrepreneur – the freedom to pursue and explore that curiosity.

Drop me a note - [email protected] - and let me know what’s resonated with today’s newsletter – I’d love to know.

Have a great weekend,