Do you dread seeing your Boss again?

The choice of how and when to return to the office is giving some people sleepless nights right now.  Home working has been a welcome respite from anxiety.  It's not the commute, the virus or their colleagues that's the problem. They hate the thought of coming face to face with their Manager again. They may not even be able to articulate exactly what provokes this anxiety. Is it just daily put-downs and criticism that they feel they 'should' be able to tolerate? Normally they would be well able to. So why are their self-esteem and confidence so damaged by this relationship?

Abuse doesn't just happen at home: there are bullies at work too. I want to explain about a particularly insidious scenario.

How it usually plays out:

You joined an organisation to work for an amazingly charismatic, high achieving and powerful Manager. They made you feel special, making great efforts to get you on board and sharing their ambitious vision for the future with you. You were flattered, even a little surprised, and hoped that some of their radiance would rub off on you. 

 Everything is fine to start, but once you get your feet properly under the table, you have a hunch that something is going wrong.  You can't put your finger on exactly what. It is difficult to explain this feeling to anyone else without sounding paranoid, but it will start to eat you up.

• Their mood becomes unpredictable and you don't know how they will respond to you. You don't want to upset them with  bad news.  
• You feel they are never satisfied with your work; that it’s never quite good enough. You can't improve it because they won't give you  feedback on what they want you to do differently. 
• There are some occasions when you know your ideas are on the right track but only because your Manager takes the credit for them. If you point this out, they turn on you, accusing you of being over-sensitive or not being a team player.
• They fuss over the newest member of the team and at the same time start to devalue the work you do, perhaps in public.
• They blame others for their own mistakes. They have extreme feelings about other people too – they are either flawless or written off as useless/evil/enemies. People are either with them, or against them. Leavers who resign from their team are slagged off. You feel guilty if you stay in touch with them.
• They remember situations and conversations in a different way to how they occurred, rewriting history. You start to question yourself, repeatedly thinking ‘is this me, or…?’
• They start to cold-shoulder you, cutting you out of projects and taking you off the list for meetings and emails. 
• If challenged, they deny it and roundly criticise your behaviour, even suggesting that you are bullying them. This is classic gas-lighting behaviour.
• Everyone else appears to idolise him or her, constantly praising them.  You fear you are going a little crazy.
• You take time off sick, which is unusual for you. I hear most about muscular pains, migraines and digestive problems but stress manifests in many ways.
• You find it hard to move on, because you crave their validation. You hope that one day you'll get it if you keep on trying to please them.
• Over time, your shame increases as your self-esteem declines.  You wonder what happened to the go-getting, ambitious, positive person you used to be.

It's Not You!

If this sounds familiar, then know that they are the problem, not you.  You are most likely working for a Narcissistic Boss. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is more prevalent in males than females, but there are female narcissists too. 

NPD is thought to occur in less than one per cent of the general population. As highly functioning narcissists are often successful and ambitious, it is not uncommon for them to be in senior leadership or entrepreneurial roles. Most won’t have a formal diagnosis but lack of self-awareness and empathy are hallmarks. Donald Trump is frequently described as a narcissist, but usually they are more covert. 

Of course many of us have some healthy narcissistic tendencies that enable us to push ourselves forward and survive corporate life. However, working for a true narcissist (or living with one) can put you in an extremely unpleasant, emotionally abusive relationship. If you have experienced this, you will know exactly what I mean.

 What you can do about it:

1. Try not to take things personally.  One of the consequences of this kind of relationship is that we often feel we are to blame. It triggers our shame or imposter syndrome which might be lurking not too far from the surface anyway. It won’t be the first time things have played out this way with him/her. There will undoubtedly be other people who have had similar experiences with them. If you look closely enough you will realise that the narcissist doesn’t really have close relationships; merely people that hang round them, flattering them to achieve their own ends. The really strong ones move on sooner or later.

2. Keep up the pretence. Never let them know you have seen through the mask.  They rarely change, so you have to change your response to them. Narcissists have a strong vision of who they think they should be and are controlled by their shame of not living up to this ideal. Bursting their bubble is the worst thing you can do. Their response to any challenge will be aggressive and vengeful.   Instead, let them live up to their false view of themselves. Keep the image going by stroking their ego as much as you can bear. This is for your own self-preservation.  Best of all, encourage them to move onwards and upwards. You might be surprised at the allies you have in this. How many times do we see this happen? People get promoted out of the way, to become someone else’s problem. 

3. Take responsibility for your own behaviour. Co-dependents are people who allow themselves to be controlled or manipulated by others. They are natural magnets for narcissists. Narcissists can’t survive without people to feed their ego and co-dependents give up their own needs to fuel the needs of the narcissist. A perfect match. If you have a tendency to put others’ needs before your own, always trying to fix things for them and wanting to please, then you are displaying co-dependent behaviour. This makes you the natural other half in the narcissist relationship.  You may have had similar relationship patterns earlier in your life.

4. Get out of it. Even if you successfully use these tactics, working for a narcissist will make you feel isolated, stressed and anxious. None of these are good for you, your career or your other relationships. Carefully consider whether you want to continue working for this person, particularly if their behaviour appears to be escalating. If they remain a popular figure in the organisation – or one not to be crossed - your concerns might not be taken as seriously as they should be. Sending you off on sick leave with ‘stress’ solves nothing but I see this happen often in these circumstances. You are not sick! You are being emotionally abused. Sick leave cures the symptoms, not the disease. 

What you must never do:

Do not challenge them. The usual advice on dealing with bullies won't work with a narcissist. It will escalate their abuse. Remember they have no empathy, so they don't care how their behaviour makes you feel. All they care about is how good you make them look. Your misery actually makes them feel better.

The only way to save your sanity and career is to get away from them. Start to take care of yourself, not everyone else. You will be so much happier.

A Ticking Time Bomb

If you employ one of these senior managers then understand that their behaviour is likely to get nastier. You won't be able to ignore it for much longer. It's rare to get honest feedback on them because people are frightened of repercussions. There will be clues to spot, not least your retention figures. Find a reason to move them out before they do even more damage to your culture and reputation. If you can't afford to lose their positive aspects (like business development strengths), shift them back to an individual contributor role. They can be hailed as a Captain Fantastic for bringing in results without hurting other people.

 Does this help?

This situation is more common than people realise, because they are too ashamed to talk about it. I posted a version of this article on my website in 2017 and it gets more downloads than any other. Sign up here up to my monthly mailing list if you would like to receive them direct to your inbox

If you've been treading on eggshells like this, then I'd love to help you. I've coached many people on surviving narcissistic abuse. Even after you escape, the toxicity can continue to impact your career and confidence until you unpack what happened and rebuild your boundaries.

Meeting Leadership Challenges

How are you stepping up as a leader virtually? How are your feedback, workflow management, meeting and prioritisation skills? I coach people to fulfil their potential in their leadership role. Find out more about how my executive coaching  can help you.

How productive are your teams? Most people on my Crazy Busy sessions these days say that they have some good days and some less good. Their biggest blockers to productivity are still meetings and emails as well as their own mood. Do something about it! My popular virtual masterclasses for managers and their teams will give you sustainable, working habits to stay productive and energised.

Zena Everett

Nothing covert about Brian Cox’s bullying character Logan Roy in HBO's Succession. Image: Google.