Do you belong?

I felt awkward, like I was too old, wearing the wrong clothes, had the wrong pop culture references and was just too wrong to belong. In fact it reminded me of being back in early high school where fitting in was all about the ‘right’ shoes, or knowing the ‘right’ people, words and cultural references. It was definitely not about deep thinking and knowing your way around a library - things I was good at. Of course I wasn’t actually back at high school (thank goodness), but at a women’s networking event.

How we Experience the Present is Shaped by the Past

Most of us have some negative thoughts, memories and experiences that are invoked by different types of social events. This is a normal part of how our mind works - it is doing just what it should, being a remarkable prediction device. Our mind uses our past experiences to predict what will happen in the future. So what we are vulnerable, sensitive or react to will be shaped by our past experiences. All of our minds work this way - it is what they do, what matters is what we do with that internal activity. We may never totally eliminate these sensitivities, but we can observe and accept what our mind and body are doing without letting it dictate our behaviour. At that networking event, I was able to observe my internal dialogue with acceptance and curiosity, this enabled me to stay in the moment of the event. No one actually said or did anything to suggest that I was out of place, wrong or didn’t belong - that was all baggage I had brought with me to the event.

Belonging in the Workplace

Research consistently shows that belonging is a key element of workplace well-being. It’s associated with:

• Reduced intention to quit.
• Increased subjective well-being
• Stronger organisational identification
• Higher levels of engagement

These outcomes are great for both staff and their organisations, but fostering belonging is complex.

The Challenges of Building Belonging

It is not easy to build belonging, because we all come into our organisations with a different range of past experiences which are eliciting quite different reactions, perceptions and interpretations. Attachment theory states that the more stable and nurturing our early experiences, the more easily we find and maintain stable and nurturing relationships in the future. We can extend this to our professional lives, the more healthy and supportive experiences we have the easier it becomes to go into a new workplace with our sensitivities dialled down expecting good experiences. Some people will struggle to feel like they belong in a workplace, no matter what the people in that workplace do and that may be due to the self-talk that they have about their value, fit and acceptance. Younger employees especially struggle with social interactions and are likely to encounter many internal barriers to feeling like they belong.

Kindness Fosters Belonging

In my recent newsletters, I’ve explored a model of kindness based on three pillars: feel, connect and consider. Belonging is created by the interaction of the feel and connect aspects of kindness, as shown in the diagram below.

By building our ability to feel and connect we are able to promote and support belonging in our teams. If we are able to understand our own and others emotions, we can begin to accept and understand others in a greater way, including how complex ideas about belonging are. As we build our own emotional flexibility we may even be able to tolerate discomfort ourselves in the service of others comfort or psychological safety. Belonging is bolstered by the development of a sense of connection, the awareness that we are humans together creating something, that we have a shared sense of struggle and purpose. That we all have needs and perspectives and that sometimes it is through sharing and meeting needs that we can start to create belonging. By understanding the interaction between what happens and what our minds do and actively working to grow kindness we can cultivate a culture of belonging in our organisation.

Christina

I am creating a movement of kindness that transforms workplaces so that people can show up as themselves and delight in their work. I provide:

?? Development Coaching for visionary idealists, who long to stand boldly for change in their organisations and communities.

??In person workshops for teams that want to create a culture of kindness.

?? Workshops for individuals who want to cultivate self-compassion and resilience.

?? Well-being support/therapy for those who struggle with workplace stress and burnout.

?? A free coffee to those who want to meet up and have a yarn about transforming the world through kindness.

You can contact me at [email protected]