Do you always say what you mean?

Breaking the Habit of Self-Editing

Have you ever stopped yourself mid-sentence, rewound, and rephrased because you worried about how your words might land? Or softened your tone, added an apology, a smile/giggle, or avoided saying something entirely for fear of being judged as harsh, blunt, or too much?

Gosh, I have. So many times. Even when I knew I didn’t want to be like this.

This is self-editing, and for many women, it’s a life-long ingrained habit rooted in societal expectations.

Self-editing goes beyond refining a rough draft; it’s the internal censor that whispers, “Tone it down,” “Don’t offend,” or “You’ll sound bossy.” For women, this habit often stems (of course!) from Good Girl Conditioning: the societal pressure to be agreeable, pleasing, and inoffensive at all times. And while it might help avoid short-term discomfort, it comes at a significant cost to our authenticity, energy, and well-being.

I wish I didn’t have to say this bit, but it’s heartbreakingly necessary. On occasion, we have to self-edit to be as inoffensive as we possibly can for our physical safety. Because we know instinctively what happens when you offend the ‘wrong’ person. So, if you find yourself in a situation like this - please self-edit like your life depends on it.

The Roots of Self-Editing

From a young age, girls are taught to prioritise being “nice” over being direct, and to keep the peace even if it means suppressing their truth. This conditioning follows us into adulthood. At work, we’re told to “speak up more” but not “too much.” At home, we’re praised for our diplomacy but criticised for being “too emotional.” Over time, self-editing becomes second nature - a survival mechanism to navigate these double standards.

But at what cost?

Women who speak directly are often labelled “aggressive” or “difficult,” while men who do the same are seen as confident leaders. This fear of judgment forces many of us to spend precious energy rephrasing, softening, or holding back altogether.

The Exhaustion of Self-Editing

Self-editing is emotionally and mentally draining. Imagine carrying an invisible checklist of dos and don’ts every time you open your mouth:

• “Don’t sound too confident.”
• “Add a smile so you don’t come across as too serious.”
• “Phrase it as a question so you don’t seem pushy.”

The constant self-surveillance can leave you feeling depleted after conversations or meetings. For me, this is most apparent when networking. The room is filled with people I don’t know, each interaction a mental obstacle course of assessing what to say, how to say it, and whether my words will land well.

Add ADHD into the mix, and it becomes even more complicated. My impulse to blurt out the first thing that pops into my head can make self-editing feel like a full-time job. Sometimes I succeed in holding back, but other times I fail spectacularly. The result? Exhaustion. Or, a vulnerability hangover. After these experiences, I often feel the need to retreat to a darkened room, where I can recharge and recover from the mental effort of constantly monitoring myself.

Thankfully, these moments have become rarer. As a self-employed woman, I now have the massive privilege of choosing who I spend time with and the spaces I enter. Today, I gravitate toward rooms where I can be myself, where blurting out an idea isn’t a faux pas but a spark for genuine connection. It’s liberating, and I’ve realised that these environments don’t just energise me - they help me thrive.

The Cost of Self-Editing

If left unchecked, self-editing diminishes your confidence and authenticity. It keeps you stuck in the role of an observer, hesitant to fully participate. You miss opportunities to share insights, challenge ideas, and lead with your voice - all because you’re worried about how your words might be received.

How to Stop Self-Editing and Speak Your Truth

Breaking the habit of self-editing takes practice and a willingness to embrace discomfort. Here are some steps to get started:

1. Notice When You’re Doing It. Begin by paying attention to the moments you pause, overthink, or hold back. Ask yourself: “Am I prioritising someone else’s comfort over my truth?”

2. Reclaim Your Authentic Voice. Practice saying what you mean, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Start small - maybe with a trusted friend or in a low-stakes situation.

3. Challenge the Fear of Judgement. Remember, disagreement doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Reframe others’ reactions as a reflection of their own biases, not your value.

4. Embrace Imperfection. You don’t need to say things perfectly every time. Focus on being authentic, not polished.

5. Create and Protect Safe Spaces. Surround yourself with people and environments where you feel free to express yourself openly. Notice how these spaces energise you, unlike those that demand constant self-editing.

The Liberation of Speaking Your Truth

Reclaiming your voice isn’t just about communication - it’s about freedom. It’s about choosing authenticity over approval and embracing the power of being yourself, even if it makes others uncomfortable.

Every time you resist the urge to self-edit, you chip away at the conditioning that keeps women small. You create space not only for your own voice but also for others to speak their truths. The ripple effects are marvellous.

So, reflect on where and with whom you feel compelled to self-edit. Take one step today - no matter how small - to speak more freely. Because your voice deserves to be heard, just as it is.

And What Else is Happening?

1. Good Girl Deprogramming Podcast

In our 18th episode (the podcast is officially a ‘grown-up’!), I sit down with the incredible Hira Ali - author, leadership coach, and advocate for workplace equity. Together, we explore the pressures of good girl conditioning, the challenges of navigating leadership as women, and the global cultural expectations that continue to hold us back.

Hira opens up about her journey of breaking free from societal stereotypes, standing up for equity, and embracing authentic leadership. Our conversation is filled with actionable insights, practical advice, and a powerful call to action to question the inequities in our own environments and rethink how we view confidence and competence in women.

What We Cover:

• Societal conditioning impacts women globally, limiting their authenticity and potential.
• Advocacy comes in many forms, from public posts to private conversations.
• Intersectional identities amplify challenges, but they also provide unique perspectives for leadership.
• Accountability and transparency are essential for achieving workplace equity.
• The next generation needs to be raised with better gender norms and expectations.

You can find it on all the usual podcasting platforms or on YouTube -

2. WTF (Women Talking Facts)

First episode of 2025 done. We had 3 weeks to catch up on and we left so much out.

If you are a massive fan of Elon Musk, I suggest you give this one a miss!

You can see where we’re hanging out next week and catch up with all previous episodes here.

3. Actually, She Can.

In February I’ll be speaking at the incredible Actually, She Can event! I’ve already started practising my talk, and I can’t wait to share it with everyone who joins. This event is all about empowerment, connection, and action, bringing together women from all walks of life to learn, grow, and support one another. Whether you’re looking for inspiration, tools to break through barriers, or just a room full of like-minded people cheering you on, this is the event for you.

What makes Actually, She Can even more special is the cause it supports. This isn’t just about personal growth - it’s about collective impact. By joining, you’re not only investing in yourself but also contributing to a movement that uplifts young women and helps create a brighter, more inclusive future. I couldn’t be prouder to be part of this incredible initiative, and I’d love for you to join me. Let’s make this a day to remember!

Check out the details and secure your spot here: Actually, She Can. I hope to see you there!

Give me a shout if you have any questions at all.

That’s newsletter 2 of 2025 done. Hope you’re all staying safe and warm (or cool if you’re in the southern hemisphere!)

Lots of love,

Mx

Good Girl Deprogramming with Michelle Minnikin is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.