Do women play a role in sexual assault?

I did something.

I did nothing.

I said something.

I said nothing

I should’ve stayed.

I should’ve left.

Sounds familiar? It does to me, I’ve been in all of the above situations at least once.

At some point in our life, we find ourselves in a contentious situation. Men and women. My question is, what did you do? Did you take ownership of your behavior and the consequences? Or not?

It’s probably no news to you that there is power in taking responsibility. Personal power and the power to change.

So, how come, normal acts of personal responsibility are rarely mentioned when it comes to sex, or more consequential, sexual assault?

We lock our doors, don’t wander through dark alleys by ourselves, and keep our kids in sight — all because of common sense and personal responsibility.

Yes, the person who enters your property, robs you, or kidnaps your kid, is still responsible for the crime. Moral culpability will always lie with the person who commits the immoral act. However, does that absolve us of our duty to gauge the situation and behave responsibly? I don’t think so.

Let me be clear, I DO NOT advocate victim-blaming.

Genuine victims of sexual assault are not responsible and 100% deserve our love and support. Sexual assault claims many victims, male and female and we absolutely need systemic change. We need to end the abuse of power disparity due to gender, race and ethnicity — often the root cause of sexual assault.

I am however, questioning why no one is discussing basic adult responsibility?

There is a general lack of owning up to our piece of the pie. To being accountable. And that all but assures the persistence of sexual assault.

Let’s start with the obvious example; the excuses of a perpetrator.

Remember Brock Turner’s statement? “I wish I had the ability to go back in time and never pick up a drink that night” or “I want to speak out about the dangers of college party culture.” Was binge drinking really the reason you ended up raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster?

Or the first sentence of Harvey Weinstein’s statement: “I came of age in the 60’s and 70’s, when all the rules of behavior and workplaces were different. That was the culture then.” How’s that for taking ZERO responsibility?

But men (often presented as the perpetrator) aren’t the only ones who fail to take responsibility.

Throughout the #MeToo movement, any woman who has uttered the words “female responsibility” has been crucified in the media. Take Angela Lansbury,Eddie Bernice Johnson or Donna Karan. Granted, their comments lacked nuance and often completely disregarded the victims of sexual assault. However, a NY Times piece by Daphne Merkin, does illustrate that a more nuanced approach seems to be desired. It states that publicly women are diligently following along with the movement, however, are privately concerned about the “unnuanced sense of outrage” and having turned “a bona fide moment of moral accountability into a series of ad hoc and sometimes unproven accusations.”

I must confess, watching the reckoning unfold, it made me wonder, do women share responsibility? And if so, do we take that responsibility?

It seems that today’s feminism and news outlets are devoted to presenting women as the victim. Our image has regressed to the helpless housewife, fragile and naive, accidentally wandering into the arms of predatory men (so long female progress…). Subsequently, this lack of power can only equate to zero responsibility on our part.

But as a feminist (I believe in the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes), I wholeheartedly reject that damsel-in-distress narrative. 

What happened to women’s agency?

I for one, have made some questionable decisions in my past, that have led to situations that can easily be described as sexual assault. However, I came to the conclusion that yes, mistakes (definitely plural) were made. But does that make me a victim of sexual assault? No. I may be a victim of poor decision making on my part, but that is a whole different story. My behaviour played a role and I am the only one responsible for my behaviour. 

Internal reflection is empowering and provides insight.

Women aren’t always the victim. Men aren’t always the perpetrator. That black and white narrative is harmful and flawed. It ironically amplifies gender stereotypes and is furthering the divide between us. Because actually, sex is much more nuanced and complex. Real consent will never gain clarity until our feelings towards sex become clear. For most women, the question “Do you want sexual pleasure?” carries both internal and external conflict. Refusing to acknowledge, and resolving this reality by simplistically painting any questionable sexual encounter as assault, is simply adding to that baggage.

To add even more complexity, men are significantly more likely to be a victim too, rather than a predator. Shockingly, 38% of American men are also a victim of sexual violence and various studies suggest that in almost 50% of the cases, the perpetrator is female. Unfortunately this storyline doesn’t fit the current narrative, thus is often conveniently omitted.

But I completely understand that it’s easier to shift blame onto others, our society, the system, the patriarchy, rather than looking inward. And in the instance of institutionalized sexual violence, I agree, men need to step up, take concrete actions and take active part in the conversation (this is why I founded Be Frank). But does that completely absolve 51% of the world’s population from any form of responsibility? It may not be the popular opinion, but I believe women are missing out on an incredible opportunity by failing to reflect on their own behavior; the opportunity to gain valuable insight into something as fundamental as our own sexual behaviour.

I’d like to argue that yes the system, our society, the current government, rape culture, binge drinking, the patriarchy, media sexualization, male peer pressure etc. are all contributions. They contribute to a society that normalizes and allows sexual violence and sexism. But that’s it. They are contributions. WE cause sexual assault. 

You and I. 

Men and women.

We did something.

We did nothing.

We said something.

We said nothing

We should’ve stayed.

We should’ve left.

A broken system does not absolve us of our personal responsibility. We are not victims. We are powerful. So let’s start acting like it.