Do we all mask without realising?

Note: Like all my other blogs, all my views in this blog are based on my own lived experiences, but everyone has different lived experiences.

Introduction

A few weeks ago, one interesting conversation I had with a friend at work was whether we mask without realising. We also touched on how you would define masking in the first place. Having thought about this a bit more, I feel that there is no one obvious definition of masking. However, I am of the view that we all mask in some shape or form and that whilst there are situations where we consciously realise that we are masking, there are also other times that we mask without realising. In this blog post, I will talk about how I personally define masking, and then discuss whether we mask without realising.

How I personally define masking.

For me, my definition of masking is when we behave in a way to fit in, whether that is fitting in the environment we are in, fitting in with expectations society has of us, or fitting in another way. Whether we realise it or not, the vast majority of us find it easier and safer to fit in rather than be the outlier. In my opinion however, when we behave or do things for the reason of fitting in, we are effectively masking. The way I define masking is consistent with my view that masking is a challenge that everyone is prone to facing, not just neurodivergent people. My friend from work mentioned that when she has meetings, the level of eye contact she makes is based on the amount of eye contact that everyone else is making (and that is usually without realising!). In my view, you can argue that this is an example of masking, as the level of eye contact my friend is making is partially influenced by the level of eye contact everyone else is making, and fitting in with that.

When we realise we are masking

As mentioned in the first paragraph, there are instances where we consciously realise we are masking. Mainly this happens when masking is used as a coping strategy to navigate situations by fitting in. A good example is when we are going through a hard time and facing significant challenges in our personal life. When we interact with other people, some of us won’t be open about these challenges we are facing. There are several reasons why this could be, whether it is because we don’t want to burden others, we are worried about being judged, or we don’t think it’s appropriate. Either way, we end up putting a brave face when we interact with others. In most cases, we know we are putting a brave face in order to fit in. In other words, we are masking and we realise we are doing it. Another example for some people is when they have alcohol in certain social situations. Some people have alcohol in certain social situations because they know they would get overwhelmed otherwise, and alcohol is a coping strategy to navigate the social situation by fitting in.

Furthermore, a good number of neurodivergent individuals talk about the challenges of masking. In particular, a lot of neurodivergent individuals mention that they consciously know they have to resort to masking in order to navigate certain day to day situations. For example, some neurodivergent individuals find eye contact challenging. However, these individuals would force themselves to make eye contact when in social situations, otherwise they will be seen as weird and possibly rude for not making eye contact. Making eye contact would be seen as masking in this case. However for the neurodivergent individual they realise that they have to mask by making eye contact. This is just one of several examples where neurodivergent individuals know they have to resort to masking to navigate a certain situation.

When we mask without realising

Despite what I said in the previous two paragraphs, I feel that we mask without realising more often or not. This is because ultimately most of us want to fit in, and therefore behave in a way and do things in order to fit in. As mentioned before, behaving in a way and doing things with the reason to fit in can be seen as masking. However, these masking behaviours become so ingrained to the point where we don’t realise we are doing it. Talking about my own personal experiences, I was masking so much in the past to the point where masking behaviours were ingrained, and I was masking without realising. I actually only came to this revelation that I was masking without realising when I started my unmasking journey.?

The fact that masking behaviours are ingrained to the point where a lot of us mask without realising raises the question “Do we know what our authentic self looks like?”. This is a tricky question, and a good number of individuals wouldn’t find it easy to answer this. Being our full authentic selves is something I consider to be one of most important things in life. I do think that in order to be our full authentic selves, an element of unmasking is required. However, this raises the question “How do we unmask behaviours that have been ingrained?”. Personally, going about unmasking behaviours that have been ingrained has been a challenging part of my unmasking journey. I do think that knowing what our authentic self looks like, as well as unmasking behaviours that have been ingrained is a challenge that all of us are prone to facing, not just neurodivergent individuals.