Do these Six Things to Raise Strong, Healthy Daughters: A Letter to Girl Dads on Father’s Day

From where I sit, there are few people in a woman’s life who have a more important role in her being empowered, strong, feminine, and self-loving than her Dad.??

I am blessed to have an amazing Da who did and is doing a lot right.? I am fortunate to know that I have been and am unconditionally loved and supported by my parents.? The longer I’m on earth, the more I realize that this is rare - and I don’t take it for granted.??

While this is certainly not an all-inclusive list, here are six things that my Da does exceptionally well that I recommend for Girl Dads who love their baby girls, and want to raise women who are empowered to be authentically themselves.??

1 - Speak life over her.???

Tell her you’re proud of her.? Tell her that she is great and destined for greatness.? Affirm her positive qualities and celebrate her when she does the right thing.? Help her grow in character by affirming her when she takes responsibility for her actions, when she chooses the harder right over the easier wrong, when she is honest, persistent, disciplined, and diligent.? Help her to love herself by celebrating her when she is creative and playful, when she cares for and is kind and inclusive to others.

You’re not stroking her ego or making her overconfident.? You literally don’t even need to worry about that.? Us women are experts at being hard on ourselves.? Plus, the world is telling your daughter that she is wrong, bad, unworthy and unlovable.? She will never not receive messages that she is either too much or not enough.??

YOU ARE HER DAD.? With you, she should never be too much or not enough.? You are the stronghold with whom she should have a shield of protection from what the world would have her believe about herself.? Protect her by speaking life over her.??

2 - Encourage her to try and fail.? Teach her to have a growth mindset.

Focus on her effort, not on the result.? Don’t just celebrate her when she succeeds, or at the end of the process of achievement - be careful to not inadvertently teach her that her performance or her achievements are how she earns love.? Show her that she is loved and worthy of love independent of the outcomes.? Encourage her during the process, and especially tell her how much you love her when she fails.? Doing so will encourage her to have a growth mindset, and will teach her that it’s OK to try, to persist, to struggle, to fail, and to be resilient.??

3 - Never ever ever use feminine pejoratives.? Ever.? If it all, “like a girl” should only come out of your mouth when you mean that she’s being completely amazing and crushing it.??

When she’s upset, hormonal, indecisive, exhausted, whining, or generally being annoying, she isn’t “acting like a girl.”? She’s acting like a human being with feelings and emotional physical needs.? And when your son is upset, hormonal, indecisive, exhausted, whining, or generally being annoying, he also isn’t “acting like a girl.”? He’s also acting like a human being with feelings and emotional and physical needs.??

On that note…feel your feelings, Dad.? Show her that strong, capable, masculine men have feelings. Process your own feelings in a healthy way.? Doing so will show her how to process her own feelings in a healthy way, and will show her what positive, healthy masculinity looks like.??

But I digress…back to never using female pejoratives.??

Associating something negative with being “like a girl” teaches your daughter that the essence of who and what she is - female - is wrong and bad and that she should be something other than who and what she innately is.? It will teach her to dislike herself and to be inauthentic, neither of which are healthy for her.??

“Female” is not an insult.? It’s an adjective and a noun.?

4 - Celebrate who she is - not who you wish she was.

Start here: get to know your daughter.? She is innately driven to do certain things.? She is innately passionate about certain topics.? Her personality is entirely unique to her - and is completely wonderful.? Get to know what she thinks about, what her needs are, what passions she is compelled to pursue, and what her personality is like.??

Spend time with her and be present for her.? You probably aren’t having conversations about her innate zone of genius when she’s little, but you can still be interested in her.? Her personality is there from the start.? You’ll see it if you pay attention.? …and when she’s an adult and has had to conform to what the world tells her what she’s supposed to be, maybe you can be the one to remind her what she’s innately like.? Or maybe you can be the one who SEES her for her entire upbringing so that she never loses herself and always feels empowered to be who she is and do what she loves.??

Set aside what you thought she was going to be, or what you wish she was.? See her for who she is, and celebrate that.??

She is magic.? Pay attention.??

5 - Love her mother.? Or whoever the woman is in your life - love her.??

Show your daughter what it looks like to be loved, adored, supported, protected, cherished, and respected.? Model for her what she should REQUIRE from the man to whom she gives her heart.? Be to the woman in your life what you want your daughter to experience when she chooses a husband.? Do this and you’re less likely to have to be cleaning your shotgun when a boy picks her up for a date.? She’ll be more inclined to choose a good man for her if knows first hand what it looks like when a man cares for and respects the woman he loves.?

6 - Love her unconditionally - and make sure she knows it.

Even if you do all of the right things as a Dad - and mine really has - your daughter is going to step on her poncho.??

Sometimes she’s going to be an asshole.? She’s going to make mistakes.??

Sometimes she’s going to have all the right intentions and make decisions that still don’t turn out the way she hoped.????

Love her - and tell her that you love her - through all of it.? TELL.? HER.? Tell her that you love her no matter what.? Tell her that, no matter what she chooses, she’ll have a Dad who is proud of her.???

My Da said that to me in a moment when I was scared and stressed.? My life was about to irrevocably change, and I was responsible for the actions that created that outcome.?

Be present enough to see the moments that matter, and love her the most when she needs it the most.? When your daughter comes home from West Point unexpectedly pregnant and tells you that she's going to graduate a year later than expected, that’s a moment that matters.? Get it right, Dad.? Get. Those. Moments. Right.? You’re welcome to use the words that my Da said to me, which I have never forgotten:

“Laura, we love you.? There’s nothing you could ever do that will separate you from that love.”??

Followed shortly by: “What do you need?? How can we help?”??

Love her unconditionally.? That’s what your daughter needs more than anything else.??

There you go, Girl Dads.? For your baby girl: speak life over her, encourage her to have a growth mindset, never use a feminine pejorative, celebrate her for who she is, love her mother, and love her unconditionally.??

Happy Father’s Day to all you amazing Dads out there - including mine.?